Anatomy of a Troll; or, Why Trolls Are Awesome

Trolls are very smart people.  Way more smart than you or I.  How do I know that?  They challenge stupid people like you and I to reveal our GRE scores so they can tell us how much higher theirs was.  (Even though they admit elsewhere that they only have "decent GREs.")  Or they challenge us to play chess because they are better than Garry Kasparov even though they sound more like Bobby Fischer. 

They demand you do your math but then admit that they don't know that much about math.  But they can do it anyway because they are so smart. They write in elegant shorthand like T.S. Eliot and Ezra Pound and millions of functionally illiterate AOL subscribers.  Only Trolls have brains so big they combine their awesome shorthand with "deep thoughts" about "important stuff."  It doesn't matter if Trolls say "yr" or "bidness."  They are not middle age wannabe Beats with drinking problems.

They know what Modus Ponens is and you do not because they are smart and you are not.  They post profound pictures instead of using words because their words would explode your stupid mind.  (You should thank them for their kindness.  It comes from years of reading Russell and other analytic philosophers you are too stupid to understand.  Only geniuses would recycle the same manipulated images in every forum they entered because that is the best way to let people know how smart you are.)

But what makes them super-geniuses is that when they say something really smart they preserve their brilliance in Google's prodigious cache.  I copied a sentence from a comment  The Homofascist Feminist Regime deleted and paste it into Google and see what I found!  The same brilliant sentiment repeated in another context entirely.  That's one thought I won't have to think but should remember because it is so smart.

Look what else I found!  The whole paragraph from which the earlier sentence was excerpted!  Trolls love us so much they saturate the internet with their brilliance so Google is sure to catalog it. 

But that's not all!  Trolls love to threaten other people with the same threat because it is super-effectively-threatening and they know that because they take hard classes in statistics.  But they don't have to work very hard in them to succeed, and not just because they can't: "Sloth is one of my character faults, and the last few years I have been sucked deep into the soothing vortex of the Internet."  Trolls only "suck deep" and "vent narcissitically" because they need more stuff to power their mega-minds and the more stuff they take in the more stuff they have to vent out.  (Especially now that they are getting older.) 

So the reason Trolls are more awesome than you is that they are middle-aged drunks who repeat themselves and are not good at math and did not do good on their GREs and suck deep because they are sloths.  Or maybe they are not awesome and the comments deleted by The Homofascist Feminist Regime were only copied.  Maybe Trolls like to share their genius like communists and that explains why one Troll says one thing and another repeats it verbatim.  That must be true.  Trolls must be communists.  Or they are middle-aged drunks who repeat themselves and are not good at math and did not do good on their GREs and suck deep because they are sloths.  It is one or the other.*

*Any one Troll who think this post is about him or her is wrong.  This post is about Trolls in general and not any particular Troll.  If it was I would have said his or her name and done something my friend an Assistant District Attorney in LA County would call "actionable" by which he would mean a Troll could sue me and lose the case because you cannot slander a Troll by repeating their own Troll-words.  But the He- or She-Troll could inconvenience me before paying my legal and court fees. 

Comments

[818]

Hasn't anyone ever taught you what a thesis is, fool? You have no point. So you hate the "Troll". He hates you too. Deeeeep. Yr cheap little spam pulp is as worthless as the rest of yr writing

Fuck off scheissekopf

[Kevin Andre Elliott]

Brilliant. And that your first comment is from a troll makes it that much better.

Keep up the good work.

[Scott Eric Kaufman]

Troll 818,

The thesis is right there. Twice. Now I'll repeat it a third time for good measure:

So the reason Trolls are more awesome than you is that they are middle-aged drunks who repeat themselves and are not good at math and did not do good on their GREs and suck deep because they are sloths.

That is what I've proven Trolls to be. Or did you not click on the links? They lead to Troll-words substantiating the now thrice stated thesis.

Thanks Kevin. Sometimes Trolls need to be revealed for the bitter, drunk, wannabe Beats who are so very, very smart.

[818]

You haven't proven anything since you don't know what proof is.

As far as "wannabe," Miss Kawfmann, it's quite obvious you got the wannabe Susan Sontag bug pretty badstein.

[Scott Eric Kaufman]

With such sound proof as you display there, I am soundly thrashed. I will leave proof of your genius there, for all the world to see. And at some point in the future, I may switch that "818" to your real name. If I do, I'll be sure to not tell you.

[Matt]

Hey there; better late than never!

[The Chemist]

Wow! That troll was awesome; truly, he's a master of the craft. Also, it's cool to see that there are other bloggers at UCI; I'm a grad student over in Chemistry. I just found this blog for the first time today, but I'll definitely be coming back.

[moioci]

"You haven't proven anything since you don't know what proof is."

We take it you DO know what proof is, Ms. Ethyl A. Zeotrope.

Sometimes it's just too easy.

[amy]

HAHAH! love it, you've had me cracking up since i got here via dohiymir's.

[jooverseas]

Casimira would appear to either be (1) a generous but misguided porn fan who would like to share his/ her wares but hasn't done a very good job of picking a suitable target audience or (2) trying to have the site closed down by ensuirng it's bombarded by genuine porn-seekers or censors. In either case, I hope all those 'models' are over 18. Child pornography is a serious federal offence and would surely merit authorities tracking the IP address...