ME: Do do do do WHOA!
HALF-NAKED COUPLE IN MY OFFICE: GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE!
HALF-NAKED FEMALE: DON'T YOU KNOCK? (putting shirt back on)
ME: Before I come into my office?
HALF-NAKED MALE: GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE! (buttoning pants)
ME: (starting to enjoy this) I have a student coming in two minutes. Finish up.
HALF-NAKED, BLUE-BALLED MALE: GO ALREADY!
ME: (closes door, waits one minute, knocks) Are you decent?
HALF-NAKED MALE: GO THE FUCK AWAY! THIS IS PRIVATE! WE'RE BUSY!
ME: (holding the door half-open) I'm coming in.
HALF-NAKED MALE: STOP HARASSING US YOU PERVERT OR I'LL REPORT YOU!
ME: (still holding door) You'll report me for your having sex in my office?
HALF-NAKED MALE: GO THE FUCK AWAY!
ME: (still holding door) That's it. Put your clothes back on. You can't have sex in my office.
HALF-NAKED MALE: DON'T YOU FUCKING DARE COME IN HERE!
(my student walks up)
MY STUDENT: What's going on?
ME: (still holding door) Some people are trying to have sex in my office. I keep interrupting them.
MY STUDENT: Are they really having sex in there?
HALF-NAKED MALE: THIS IS SEXUAL HARASSMENT!
ME: (props open door with rubber stop) They're trying.
This continues for a couple more minutes. He shouts profanity, she
starts crying, &c. About two minutes later the couple emerges and I
get some nasty looks. Who am I to stop them from having sex in my
UPDATE II: Read this. It explains everything.
UPDATE III: Don't read UPDATE II. Read this instead.