Acephalous's Index

Minimum number of dieties Scott Eric Kaufman cursed for failing to assist him in the completion of sentences today: 43

Number of sentences Kaufman completed: 8

Estimated number of calories burned in the Kaufman household dissertating: 1800

Percentage of which comes from cheese: 75

Number of days since May 2001 Kaufman has not worked on his dissertation: 16

Number of days he has not thought about it: 0

Chance that someone arrives at Acephalous via a Google search with the word "sex" in it: 1 in 2

Chance that someone arrives at Acephalous via a Google search for "Scott is the best person ever": 1 in 23,792

Estimated percentage of students Kaufman believes do all the reading: 80

Actual percentage of students who do all the reading: 3

Portion of this "Index" which is self indulgent and solipsistic: 3/4

Average number of CFPs Kaufman receives every week: 70

Percentage of CFPs Kaufman could respond to without everyone pointing at him and calling him a liar: 1

Chance that a former student thinks Kaufman is "rude and overly critical": 1 in 9

Percentage of students who do who refuse to edit their work ever: 100

Number of footnotes about Caesar's Column rewritten from scratch today: 7

Chance that it will be rewritten from scratch it again tomorrow: 1 in 3

Average amount of vodka in ounces required for Kaufman to forget about his chapter and enjoy a television show: 17

Percent change in evenings under the influence since 2000: +98

Number of times the author of the last article Kaufman read trumpeted the importance of his own work: 13

Number of sighs Kaufman exhaled while reading it: 189

Percentage of female occupants of Kaufman household who are evil: 50

Chance said evil female occupant weighs 20 lbs. and is covered in cat fur: 1 in 1

Estimated number of words Kaufman has deleted from his current chapter: 9,478,901,092,618

Projected number deleted by the time he files: ∞

Comments

[Theriomorph]

It may be self indulgent and solipsitic, but it's also very funny. Thanks for the laugh and happy deleting. (Chance dissertation is not, in fact, total crap: high.)

[Rich Puchalsky]

Obviously you're modeling yourself after Thess in Gaiman's _Sandman_, the eternal grad student still reading art history books after millenia as if just one more will finally allow her to complete that first chapter.

[Miriam]

It's a cat, Scott. Evil comes with the territory. (Also: 20 lbs.?! Even Disraeli is only 14.4 lbs.)

[Stephen]

Not all cats are evil. Mund is definitely not evil.

[Ancrene Wiseass]

Ohhh, boy, can I *ever* sympathize about the amount of alcohol needed to forget about writing.

[Jodi]

great post. weird part of academic life; our time is our own and is not our own; on a daily scale, we have more flexibility than most; yet, we are never on vacation, never not thinking about work. Or, at least that's been my experience and I handed in my dissertation 14 years ago.

[Beth Black]

Here's one student (okay, former student) who would gladly edit her work! Only, I have to do it before the corporate slaveowners offer me money and (God help me) health insurance to write brainfreezing newsletters for them! As they sing in Avenue Q, what can you do with a B.A. in English? (Speaking of editing, though, why isn't "trumpted" in my dictionary?)

[Scott Eric Kaufman]

Mr. Pot, Mr. Kettle. Mr. Kettle, Mr. Pot. Mr. Pot and Mr. Kettle, Mrs. Black.

(Thanks Beth.)

[Scott Eric Kaufman]

Also, I should add that Stephen's correct, Miriam. All cats aren't evil. In fact, we have two who aren't evil, one who is, and another whose ability to open locked doors and tightly-lidded trash cans may seem evil but is really part of his identification with his Raccoon heritage. (Sure, it's illusory, but he's managed to inherit it anyway.)

AW, I should clear something up, in part because one of my students asked me whether I drink 17 oz. of vodka per night: As you say, that's how much vodka I'd have to drink to forget about my dissertation. Unfortunately, I lack the funds, constitution and desire to be an alcoholic that forgetting about my dissertation nightly would require.

[Ancrene Wiseass]

Well, really, Scott, while the cut of this blog's jib tells me you're a fella who can hold yer likker, I didn't imagine you were drinking quite that much on a regular basis.

I'm not, either. But that's why we can't forget about our work long enough to watch a TV show.

[Scott Eric Kaufman]

AW, I know. I was more clearing that up for my students than anything else. Plus, I do have quite a cut of jib, er, you know what I mean.

[Stephen]

"In fact, we have two who aren't evil, one who is, and another whose ability to open locked doors and tightly-lidded trash cans may seem evil but is really part of his identification with his Raccoon heritage. (Sure, it's illusory, but he's managed to inherit it anyway.)"

Maybe you need to sit down with Virgil and explain Walter Benn Michaels' critique of identity politics. That should sort him out.