Sunday, 12 February 2006

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"Citational Difficulties," Mr. Willy Says/Suggests/Identifies/Avers . . . Mr. Willy speaks plainly: states: "Mr. Willy states 'Ms. Wilma is just jealous . . .'" says: "Mr. Willy says 'Ms. Wilma is a feminist now . . .'" shows: "Mr. Willy shows us pictures of Ms. Wilma in Tahiti . . ." states: "Mr. Willy states 'I don't know why Ms. Wilma soured on me . . .'" writes: "Mr. Willy writes 'I love Ms. Wilma' over and over again . . ." the colon: "Mr. Willy is forthright: 'I would take her back if she'd have me . . .'" conceives: "Mr. Willy conceives of time when he can forget her . . ." describes: "Mr. Willy describes Ms. Wilma as 'a fundamentalist' now . . ." calls: "Mr. Willy calls Ms. Wilma 'misguided' and 'likely a terrible mother . . .'" notes: "Mr. Willy notes his own retrograde ideas about woman . . ." demonstrates: "Mr. Willy demonstrates why feminism needed to happen . . ." indicates: "Mr. Willy indicates that he wished it hadn't . . ." Ms. Wilma intervenes: argue: "Ms. Wilma argues that Mr. Willy is more retrograde then he admits . . ." lists: "Ms. Wilma lists Mr. Willy's many faults . . ." contends: "Ms. Wilma contends Mr. Willy is Neanderthal . . ." asserts: "Ms. Wilma asserts Mr. Willy cheated on his qualifying exams . . ." interrogates: "Ms. Wilma interrogates the concept of 'intelligence' . . ." confronts: "Ms. Wilma confronts Mr. Willy's ignorance with wit and . . ." questions: "Ms. Wilma questions Mr. Willy's ability to dress himself . . ." dismisses: "Ms. Wilma dismisses as assinine Mr. Willy's claims . . ." declares: "Ms. Wilma declares them to be outrageous oversimplifications . . ." finds: "Ms. Wilma finds Mr. Willy's description of her assinine . . ." avers: "Ms. Wilma avers that she no longer know what she initially saw in him . . ." claims: "Ms. Wilma claims Mr. Willy has never cracked open a book . . ." questions: "Ms. Wilma questions the scope of Mr. Willy's intelligence . . ." maintains: "Ms. Wilma maintains it is quite limited . . ." points: "Ms. Wilma points to numerous examples of its deficiencies. . ." draws a: "Ms. Wilma draws a distinction between Mr. Willy and 'anything remotely modern . . ." complicates: "Ms. Wilma complicates ideas of heteronormativity . . ." Mr. Willy defines things: identifies: "Mr. Willy identifies the problem with Ms. Wilma . . ." refers: "Mr. Willy refers to Ms. Wilma's new lifestyle as 'trendy' . . . " calls: "Mr. Willy calls it 'fashionable lesbianism or . . ." defines: "What Mr. Willy defines as 'a conveniently academic alternative lifestyle' . . ." Ms. Wilma may be onto something: suggests: "Ms. Wilma suggests Mr. Willy homophobic comments . . ." intimates: "Ms. Wilma intimates Mr. Willy is an closeted homophobe . . ." imagines: "Ms. Wilma imagines Mr. Willy will never learn . . ." Mr. Willy has his limitations: admits:...
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A Few Brief Addenda Because the previous post may present an unsavory impression of Y.T. I offer these addenda: I'm not an anti-feminist in the contemporary or medieval sense. Sure I try to force The Little Womedievalist to do the dishes all the time . . . but that's only because my fingernails have been "spongy" since the cancer and when they dry the tend to crack. Down the middle. Which is as painful as you imagine . . . only more so. I'm no liar. If a certain hostess of a certain annual Halloween Party were to stoop to admit to frequenting these parts she would confirm that I was mauled by a feline of unusual size . . . and that I bled all over everything I wore and touched and entered the general vicinity of. Not that I want to sound overeager to prove my honesty . . . but I am in the unique position of being able to refer you to a Pulitzer Prize-winning journalist for more information about my infamous morning. I've been investigated by the best. And if you send him an email he'll tell you I'm 100 percent kosher. I don't mean "Jewish" there even though I could. If you want proof of my election I can upload an .mp3 of my Haftorah portion. You heard me. Don't pretend you didn't. I will upload audio files of my bar mitzvah to prove myself trustworthy. (I feel obliged to note that despite being thirteen I gave a rousing reading of significance of Sukkot and the erection of the Tabernacle . . . and I didn't even laugh when I said the word "erection." Now if you want to brand me a liar . . .)

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