SAN DIEGO — Mets color commentator Keith Hernandez rolled back a century of feminist progress during the second inning of Saturday's victory over the San Diego Padres.
The words had hardly left his mouth before professional women across the country suddenly found themselves in the kitchen preparing steamed vegetables for Mike and Little Suzy. "Dinner's ready!" said Rose Serels, former vice president of global securities services for Chase Manhattan Bank.
Myrna Friedman, a former partner in the soon-to-be-renamed Arlington law firm Sargeant & Friedman, agreed. "If you don't finish your string beans," said the former litigator for the US Navy Office of General Counsel, "you won't get any desset."
Former Chief Information Officer for Bristol-Myers Squibb, Susan O'Day, declined our request for an interview on account that it was almost bathtime.
The woman in the dugout, former Padres' massage therapist Kelly Calabrese, was digusted and would have said something if it was her place to.
"If God had intended me to be heard," said the spitting image of Jennifer Aniston, "He wouldn't have made me so pretty. Now what do you think of my new eyeliner? Do you think Jim will like it?"
But there are some women happy with the change. Pulitzer Prize-winner and former Times columnist Maureen Dowd noted how it would be easier to find a suitable husband now that she was a suitable wife. "Who could love someone who didn't spend at least three hours a week cutting the crust off peanut-butter and jelly sandwiches?"
"All those years, I spent reading books and writing columns failed to land me a Prince Charming. A few hours a day on my knees will change that." She added, "Scrubbing toilets. On my knees scrubbing toilets."
Others are not sure. "Who does that guy think he is?" asked an irate former law professor who asked not to be identified for fear her husband would retaliate for her speaking when not spoken to. "He was as graceful around the bag as any first baseman ever to play to sport. I give him that. But to turn back the clock on women's issues with a single sentence? What right does he have to do that?"
He has every right, according to legal expert Tim Dwight. "Women these days feel a real but entirely undeserved sense of entitlement." He then asked "Did you hear the one about the woman and the computer? No? So what's the difference between a woman and a computer? You only have to punch information into a computer once."
When reached for comment, Padres manager Bruce Bochy shrugged his shoulders and said "I didn't think gender was even an issue anymore."
And now, thanks to Keith Hernandez, it isn't.