Monday, 14 August 2006

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No Wonder I Scratched My Nose Raw I want to thank Adam for bringing Le Colonel Chabert's latest anti-Long Sunday screed to my attention. Had he not, I would've missed the following exchange between Our Infallible Colonel and her Brothers in Moral Perfection, Patrick Mullins and The Troll of Sorrow: LCC: Matt likes to start fights, it's his schtick, he had a habit early on of linking, pseudonymously often, at The Valve to other bloggers' posts there to draw abuse and draw the other bloggers, who have no patience for The Valve, which is really like reading I don't know what, high school student papers, into arguments there to defend themselves. PM: Oh, my God, this is all somewhat off-topic, but yes—very pimply ones with more verbosity per square inch than I've ever seen. Who could read a novel if they read 'The Valve?' They reduce all literature to labyrinthine horror and freeze-dried trends (when they can find them; they very often can't). TOS: [constantinated] The Valve, if you follow, is like very pimply high school student papers. I see only one solution available to such morally savvy folks: Drive down to your local pharmacy and buy the Valve some topical tetracycline. Return home and log on to the Valve. Before applying the medicine, thoroughly wash the affected area with warm water and soap, rinse well, and dry completely. Hack the medicine in half with a cleaver. Squeeze its contents into the palm of your hand and apply it to your monitor gratuitously. Be sure to apply it to the entire Internet, not just the affected area, as that will prevent new pimples from breaking out elsewhere. After applying this medicine, it is recommended you cover the treated area with a gauze dressing. Repeat this in the early morning and before bed, and in two to three weeks, your Valve will be as unblemished as you lot are supercilious.
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What's Cooking? Now that this dreadful cold—somehow acquired in a crisp Southern California August—has loosened its thick fingers from my throat, I'm in the mood to blog again. Work, too. I spent today revising the chapter I'd planned on finishing before my unfortunate appointment with the ass-end of a felon's Honda Civic. (Despite not having been convicted, I can still call him a felon, as he committed the felony he would have been convicted of had the police been able to find him.) Not the heady intellectual waters I thought I'd have charted by now, but not nothing—quite a lot, actually, considering what's been thrown at me these past two years. All of which is mere preface to the meat of this post. Meat which, serial punster I am, is very much about meat. You see, back when I was in high school, I converted to ethical vegetarianism. Being the serious sort (and an athlete), I quickly decided my ethical vegetarianism needed to be taken to the next level. So I gave veganism 110% for the better part of two years. Were it not for a beautiful woman and a Louisiana concoction called a "deep-fried 'grilled'-cheese sandwich"—the irony is duly noted, but in the South, if it ain't boiled blisteringly spicy or deep-fried, it ain't fit for consumption—I might very well be the same annoyingly proselytizing gink I was then. Tainted by the power of cheese and general allure of dairy, eventually my ethical objections sloughed away and I considered eating meat again. Well, that and an article in The New England Journal of Medicine arguing that people who ate red meat and chicken but no fish developed Alzheimer's-like symptoms. I didn't eat red meat or chicken, but I also didn't eat fish, which meant that I'd start suffering from Alzheimer's-like symptoms any day now. I started eating fish. Even convinced a few other people to. (So maybe I'm not not the annoyingly proselytizing gink I was then.) Considering what 99.99% of the population ate, I was a god amongst nutritionists. Guzzling green tea, inhaling everything soy, eating fresh fish, working out four times a week—you know, the kind of guy everyone loves to loathe. Like Granny, I was positive I'd bought myself a couple extra decades on this mortal coil before anyone demanded I shuffle off ... then the test came back positive and it turned out I didn't. All those years of "healthy" living turned out not to be so healthy. How did I respond? I ditched vegetarianism. In stages. I began with a little chicken. Sharing a table with General Tso again was a life-altering experience. Still, it was months before I graduated to pork, and I have yet to matriculate in the School of Red Meat. (I tried a few weeks back but failed "disastrously." That is a euphemism for what you think it is.) All of which brings me to tonight's quiz: What did Scott prepare for dinner tonight? A. Smothered Pork Chops B. Pan Fried Pork...

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