Theoryfires Threaten Giant Sequoias, Comity

The five theoryfires that broke out this week serve as a blunt reminder that cooler heads and recent comity have not eliminated the theory hazard from the forest.  Authorities are reluctant to speculate, but most believe the recent spate theoryfires were deliberately lit. 

2005 had been the worst year on record for theoryfires, but this week’s blazes have experts fearing that 2006 may be even worse.  The problem is especially severe in locations ravaged by drought.    

“The problem is we have extremely dry fuels,” said Capt. Dennis Whaling, head of the local Theoryfire Prevention Service (TPS).  “Some wind and a few sparks and these tumbleweeds become bouncing molotov cocktails.  We sent a TPS Report to everyone in Aletheia county urging people to dispose of stray tumbleweed properly, but it looks like no one got the memo.”

Whaling and his staff scoff at the notions that 2005 theoryfires unconcealed enough brush to prevent another series of costly conflagrations. 

“All light, no heat,” Whaling said.

Despite the lack of heat, the 2005 theoryfires unconcealed nearly 165,293 acres.  Drought conditions in the months since have created a heavy fuel load.

“You know have fast dead grass grows when it doesn’t rain,” said U.S. Philosophy Service spokeswoman Lisa Comerford.  “But so long as there are no gusty windbags, our crews can build lines to prevent the theoryfires from jumping and causing too much damage,” she added.

Shortly after midnight, Whaling’s team received a frantic call from Heath Campiglio, an amateur thinker who lives in a small community outside of Zzyzx, CA.  “I was Being-in-the-Woods, minding my own business, when I saw something across Interstate 15,” Campiglio said. 

Aletheia County Theoryfirefighters responded immediately, but by the time they reached Zzyzx, the theoryfire had tripled in size. Around 7 a.m., Whaling redirected personnel to the theoryfire’s western boundary. Crews marched up a hillside and hiked a few miles inward, where they would use ready-to-hand tools to cut theoryfire lines.

“We set up an antithesis here to keep this thing from spreading,” said Chandler Huxman, a volunteer theoryjumper from Bunkie, Louisiana.  “If the theoryfire on the other side of the line crests this hill, it’s liable to synthesize the whole [expletive] county.”

Local theoryfire experts like Martin Tillich believe that if Huxman and his theoryjumpers are unable to contain the Zzyzx blaze, it may consume the county’s only tourist attraction.  “I don’t think the economy can handle the loss of our historic softwood forests,” said Tillich. “These Giant Sequoias were here before Plato, before Socrates.  It would be a tragedy to lose them.”

Tuesday’s gusty windbags have put them directly in harm’s way, Whaling said.

By next Tuesday, a somber Tillich replied, “all that’s left of these sublime giants could be a burnt-out clearing.”

Comments

[Rich Puchalsky]

Attacking _Theory's Empire_? That's so last year, and it's not yet even old enough for nostalgia. They should have done -- hmm -- something about the friend/enemy distinction as it applies to the "low Leiters" vs "high Leiters", with a sideline on how evolutionary, neurological, and indeed all vaguely scientistic examination of culture can not work because "the Artist is he who decides on the exception".

The "tripled in size" link doesn't even lead to anything about theory, though.

[Anthony Paul Smith]

Hmm... I can't tell if you're trying to be start a fight with people you despise or trying to make a joke with people you want to at least have a semblance of friendliness with. For a bit I thought it was the joke, but Rich is always so humourless, or at the very least kind of an asshole, and then he just throws me off.

Whatever though, may you all live long and prosper or a plague on both your houses, depending on the underlying cause for the interesting post.

[Anthony Paul Smith]

Oh, good Christ. They're doing it too. It's like watching the bike gang and the 09ers get in a fight on every episode of Veronica Mars. You really just wanna watch Veronica Mars in her badassery, but no, the two clans got to get some limelight too.

I'm going with the plague on both your houses. I'm joining that fireball party with Berube.

Apologies for the 'street language'. I do really know that 'wanna' isn't a word.

[Scott Eric Kaufman]

Rich, yes, boredom has officially set in. Not that I begrudge the new blood its fun, mind you, but from where I sit, all that's left of that horse is a stain on the carpet.

Anthony, I think between the bear traps and the fires, it should be abundantly clear that I'm absolutely, positively, 100 percent serious here ... or that I'm tired of this dance and desire some new, hot beat.*

*And not that I know, but isn't it the 909ers?

[Scott Eric Kaufman]

Also, this is now the official toast of House Kaufman:

May you all live long and prosper or a plague on both your houses.

[Rich Puchalsky]

Now, Scott, don't be too been-there-done-that; your mutual probe was only a few months ago...

[Adam Kotsko]

Arguably The Valve descended into self-parody first when Holbo defended his argument in "Zizek and Trilling" from Jodi Dean's nefarious footnote.

(Not sure if tags work here, but the word "argument" is intended to be italic above.)

[jholbo]

Adam, you sure spend a lot of time putting 'argument' in italics.

[Adam Kotsko]

John, I see a whole lot of rhetoric and grandstanding in your comment, but I don't see any argument.

[The Anthropomorphic Snore]

I live! I LIVE!

[Rich Puchalsky]

Geez, Scott: entering into a thread which before that consisted of two people in deep discussion with the ToS? It would have stood as a perfect monument if you hadn't gone and interfered. Are you being one of those volunteer firemen who looks at a trash fire about to burn out, gets bored with having nothing to do but read horrible turn-of-the-century novels, and instead tosses on some gasoline?

[Scott Eric Kaufman]

I know, I know. Thing is, I had my parents in town this weekend, so I had to devote what little spare time I had to dissertating. By the time I wanted to unwind, defacing monuments was the best I could manage.

[Rich Puchalsky]

I checked back to see how the home fires were burning. And really, this time there *was* nostalgia -- I could almost hear the ghostly voices whisper "a collection of essays is not a group of people". Good times.

I did notice one of the hands-down funniest sentences, when taken out of context, that I've seen on a blog in some time:

"Warszawa was temporarily dismissed from Lenin’s Tomb, for an unspecified time, as per this post and the specific order from Lenin reprinted below."

You can feel the yearning in that sentence. There should be advertisements, like the U.S. Army has, for A Vanguard Of One.

Oh, and in case someone bothers to copy over this comment as well, I basically agree with CR about the whole niqab thing.

[CR]

Thanks Rich. Geez. We're getting awfully chummy, ain't we?

And I agree with you, even though I didn't follow the thread closely at all, about the whole religion thing. Religion, up down, left right, is teh suck.

[Matt]

Sorry, what is this post about?

[Scott Eric Kaufman]

Ransom's idea to wake up Long Sunday by writing about Theory's Empire again. (Click on the first link. Swear I'm not making this up.)