Dear My Betters on this Academic Listserv,
I seek the most basic information about an event so important you are stunned I advanced to candidacy—much less almost completed a dissertation—without acquiring intimate knowledge of it. As I have limited my interaction with the internet to the sending and receiving of emails, I am unable to consult any of the staggering number of sites devoted to the cause of the event, its significant players, or the deep repercussions it had on the culture in which I am ostensibly an expert.
My refusal to avail myself of any online source—be it an encyclopedia entry or a site built by academics, containing thousands of links to first person accounts of the event, the original newspaper editorials written about it, and the current scholarly work being done on it—extends to the researching of the event in books, as they contain indexes strongly resembling the coordinated collation I would encounter online.
Considering these circumstances—over which I only possess dictatorial control—I wonder whether you might neglect your work, spouse or child for an hour or two and explain, in considerable detail, the event indolence bars me from researching myself.
I understand my ignorance strongly suggests global incompetence, but banish that thought for the moment: I need to inconvenience you soon, as I am preparing to go on the market in December and must finish my dissertation quickly.
Colossally Weak Candidate
Department of Questionable Scholars
Institution of Dubious Credentials
Inappropriately Risqué Email Address
Link to Personal Blog
P.S. Ask my adviser about the compromising photographs of him Reason dictates I possess.