Friday, 09 November 2007

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The Ur-Troll The man you're about meet is named Oliver Crangle. Mr. Crangle is a dealer in petulance and poison. He's arbitrarily chosen four o'clock as his personal Götterdämmerung, and we are about to watch the metamorphosis of a twisted fanatic, poisoned by the gangrene of prejudice, to the status of someone who wrongly considers himself an avenging angel, upright and omniscient, dedicated and fearsome, despite being a twisted fanatic, poisoned by the gangrene of prejudice. Whatever your clocks say, it's four o'clock—and wherever you are, it happens to be The Twilight Zone. Crangle picks up the Internet and begins dialing an email. School superintendent? This call is about a teacher in your employ. His name is ... William J. Farwell. The man is morally objectionable. What? Never mind who this is. I happen to be giving you facts, and these facts are what are at issue. You best check on him. Immediately. Nut! Crangle places a nut in Pete's bowl, then paces the room, first visibly agitated, then clearly enthused. He consults Wikipedia. That's it! That's it! Four o'clock! That's when we'll make it occur. At that moment, that precise moment, we shall destroy evil. This is both my charge and my obligation, to destroy evil. And we shall do it at four o'clock! I'm not quite sure of the method yet. It will be the expiration of immorality. Enter Crangle's landlord, Mrs. Williams, who has recently received numerous complaints about Crangle's vigorous support for Ron Paul from the proprieters of Obsidian Wings, Political Animal, and Instapundit. Is that what you do all day? Threaten people online about Ron Paul? I don't threaten people, I compile them, investigate them, analyze them, categorize them, and then I judge them. If they're impure and evil they must be punished. If they are misled, or naïve, or unsophisticated, I point them the right way. I will not countenance evil, I absolutely will not countenance evil. There's nothing complicated about that. They're evil. All those little bugs out there, bacteria, that's what they are, those little— That's it! That's precisely it! I knew I would get the clue. Little people! That's what I'll do. I'll turn all the evil people into little ones. I'll make every evil man two feet tall. At four o'clock every evil man and woman will be precisely two feet tall. They'll all be two feet tall! Nut! Fades to black. Return to capture Crangle editing the Wikipedia page on the Gettysburg Address. There is a knock at the door. Crangle crosses the room and FBI Agent Wood enters. You dialed the Bureau an email about something big happening? I did, I did. All the evil people in the world have banded together, Communists, subversives, thieves. Now you see, I've spent many years, doing this kind of work, I've made a complete study of evil. I listen to the radio, I watch television, I cut out newspaper clippings, I write emails to employers, I send them text messages late at night....

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