Why Obama Lost New Hampshire

Not much has been written about The Ibogaine Effect as a serious factor in the New Hampshire primary, but toward the end of the race—about three hours before the vote—word leaked out that some of Obama's top advisors had called in a Brazilian doctor who was said to be treating the candidate with "some kind of strange drug" that nobody in the press corps had ever heard of.

It had been common knowledge for many weeks that Clinton was using an exotic brand of speed known as Wallot ... and it had long been whispered that Obama was into something very heavy, but it was hard to take the talk seriously until I heard about the appearance of a mysterious Brazilian doctor. That was the key.  Barack discussed the cocaine question for the dope-smoking students in Manchester, moments before refusing to snort himself.  Later that night, however, it was reported that Senator Obama was a known user of a powerful drug called Ibogaine.

I immediately recognized The Ibogaine Effect—from Obama's near-breakdown on the flatbed truck in Iowa, the delusions and altered thinking that characterized his campaign in New Hampshire, and finally the condition of "total rage" that gripped him in Ohio.

There was no doubt about it: The Savior from Illinois had turned to massive doses of Ibogaine as a last resort. The only remaining question was "when did he start?"  But nobody could answer this one, and I was not able to press the candidate himself for an answer because I was permanently barred from the Obama campaign after that incident on the "Tall Corn Special" in Iowa ... and that scene makes far more sense now than it did at the time.  Obama has always taken pride in his ability to deal with hecklers; he has frequently challenged them, calling them up to the stage in front of big crowds and then forcing the poor bastards to debate with him in a blaze of TV lights.

But there was none of that in New Hampshire.  When the Boohoo began grabbing at his legs and screaming for more gin, Big Hussein went all to pieces ... which gave rise to speculation among reporters familiar with his campaign style, that Obama was not himself.  It was noted, among other things, that he had developed a tendency to roll his eyes wildly during TV interviews, that his thought patterns had become strangely fragmented, and that not even his closest advisors could predict when he might suddenly spiral off into babbling rages, or neocomatose funks.

In retrospect, however, it is easy to see why Obama fell apart in New Hampshire.  There he was—far gone in a bad Ibogaine frenzy—suddenly shoved out in the blinding daylight to face an exuberant crowd and some kind of snarling lunatic going for his legs while he tried to explain why he was "the only Democrat who can beat Romney."

It is entirely conceivable—given the known effects of Ibogaine—that Obama's brain was almost paralyzed by hallucinations at the time; that he looked out at that crowd and saw gila monsters instead of people, and that his mind snapped completely when he felt something large and apparently vicious clawing at his legs.  We can only speculate on this, because those in a position to know have flatly refused to comment on rumors concerning the Senator's disastrous experiments with Ibogaine.  I tried to find the Brazilian doctor on election night, but by the time the polls closed he was long gone.  One of the hired bimbos in Manchester's Holiday Inn headquarters said a man with fresh welts on his head had been dragged out the side door and put on a bus to Chicago, but we were never able to confirm this.

Comments

[Stephen]

Cool! Hunter S. Thompson!

[The Constructivist]

Interesting theory, Scott, but Occam's Razor sez...Mostly Harmless Jinx.

[Adam Roberts]

I second Steve. "When the Boohoo began grabbing at his legs and screaming for more gin, Big Hussein went all to pieces" is nicely Thompsonian indeed.

[JPool]

You must turn off this Amazon autolink business. So annoying and distracting. I know that they pay for your drugs, but still.

[SEK]

That's so strange. I don't think I have them on, and I don't see them either. This is what I see. I'll put in a complaint, though, since y'all are obviously seeing them.

[todd.]

I see what Scott sees. Surely it's a browser issue?

[Kristine Danielson]

Thanks for this. Just last night I was telling friends of my love for Thompson's Fear and Loathing on the Campaign Trail of '72. I can't believe I came across this the next day! I want to teach it, someday. Except for the fact that none of the students would have any idea who Gene McCarthy is/was (or Nixon for that matter). Maybe I'll just tell them to change the names to Clinton/Obama!

[JPool]

Todd,
Sorry, I should have noted that it was fixed now. By the time I read Scott's post I was back to seeing what he sees (at least in this particular context). Before it was taking random names and phrases and linking them to other random Amazon items (well, not entirely random, but certainly not what would come up first on a search).

[SEK]

JPool, Rich, and todd., apparently every time Amazon does an upgrade, TypePad users are "opted-in." TypePad said they were "working on this." In the future, as soon as you see them, let me know and I'll opt-out. (I think I can't see them because I have NoScript installed and haven't, um, approved my own site yet.)

Kristine, happy to be of service. Anytime something improbable happens in American politics, I attribute it to Ibogaine. This is probably a bad thing.

[Chris]

You really show your lack of understanding of the drug Ibogaine.

[SEK]

I consider it a personal failing. (Albeit one I share with the person whose voice I appropriated, but still.)