Dawg, We Is Underscrewed

SEK walks into the liquor store and sees a painfully white undergrad, on his phone, trying to return fifteen or so bottles of prohibitively expensive liquor.  On the counter are bottles Bruichladdich, Glenmorangie, Gran Patrón Platinum, Johnnie Walker Blue, Chopin, Neisson Reserve, and Grey Goose.  More bottles are on the floor.  The UNDERGRAD explains his situation to the CASHIER:

Undergrad:  No dawg, you don't get it.  Them bottles wasn't for drinking.  They were behind the bar, yo, to impress the ladies.  But we served them shit.

Cashier:  So you wanted your bar to look stocked and—

Undergrad:  Now you feelin' me, dawg.  (thumps chest and points at CASHIER)  So yo, see, we put all this shit on our plastic and now we need to return it.  We had to impress, yo, so— (points at bottles).

Cashier:  And now you want to return them?

Undergrad:  Yup.  (into phone)  No man, dude says we cool.  (to CASHIER)  We cool right?

Cashier: Long as they're not open—

Undergrad: Not open?  Hold on now.  (into phone)  Says they need be not opened.  (listens)  That's what he say.  (still listening)  Hold on.  Let me gets clarifyification.  (to CASHIER)  So now you saying these need be not opened?  (CASHIER nods)  That's not what we just now agreed on when you said we cool.  Now you say we not?  (into phone)  Now he say we not cool.  (listens)  That's what he say.  (listens)  No, dude, now we not cool.  (listens)  Shit, hold on, I'll explain.  (to CASHIER)  So you know we had, see, you know we had to make it seems like we wasn't just stocked for the party.  (CASHIER nods)  Had to make seem like we always rolling, so my boy (points at phone) underscrewed some of them tops and corks and shit.  But nobody drank none.  (loud tinny sounds from phone)

Cashier:  (reaches for a box of Johnnie Walker Black)  So you just unscrewed this is what you're saying?

Undergrad:  (into phone)  Hold, yo.  I got this covered.  (to CASHIER)  Look, why y'all accusin' us drinking the good shit and refilling them bottles with—

Cashier:  I didn't accuse you of anything, but now that you mention it, I have an open bottle of Black back here.  (brandishes two snifters)  I pour some from mine here and some from yours here, they gonna taste the same? 

Undergrad:  What?  (into phone)  Wants to compare and shit.  (in the parking lot someone lays into their horn)  What?  (car horn continues)  Can't hear shit.  (car horn continues)  Come again?  (to CASHIER)  Can't hear my boy.  (turns and begins to walk toward door)  Hold on, yo.  Be right back.  (exits)

SEK and CASHIER exchange looks.  The car horn ceases.  A car door slams and another car—perhaps the same, but perhaps not—peels out of the parking lot.  SEK and CASHIER look at the bottles left behind. 

Cashier:  Think the little shit would've won my Pepsi challenge?

SEK:  Doubtful.

Comments

[Ahistoricality]

Well, chutzpah's not dead yet. But the educational system has some 'splainin' to do....

[SEK]

Chutzpah dead? In Orange County? No such dice. Though technically speaking, it's less chutzpah than rank stupidity. I mean, the guy who runs the liquor store would never be able to tell the difference between the stuff behind the glass and the cheap stuff. Never.

[Ahistoricality]

That's not what we just now agreed on when you said we cool. Now you say we not?

I'm sorry, that's chutzpah. When he gives away the game by accusing the clerk of accusing him of the switch, that is where stupid comes in.

Never said you couldn't be dumb and chutzpadik at the same time.

[Flavia]

This post made me very happy.

[Scott]

I'm actually more impressed the person behind the counter was able to refference "Pepsi Challenge"...

[sharon]

That was fucking hilarious. Dawg.

[Josh]

Glad to see Philly is not the only place where "painfully white" young men do the "H-Dog" diction thang. I was witness to a customer endlessly haranguing a comic-shop clerk about how comics are much better without plots 'cause then the Hulk get to smash more shit, all in faux-AfAm vernacular.

[Adam Roberts]

Did he really say "clarifyification"? Sweet.

[SEK]

Did he really say "clarifyification"?

I had a difficult time figuring out 1) what he said and 2) how to transcribe it. I think it was more like "clarifyingification," only with "g" elided. But he certainly did say "underscrewed," as Mike -- the cashier -- stressed the "un" when he responded.

I'm actually more impressed the person behind the counter was able to reference "Pepsi Challenge"...

The cashier, Mike, is older than I am. (He's also the part-owner, but I thought too much detail to stuff into the opening exposition.)

[todd.]

So, what happened to the 15 bottles of cheap booze? Party at SEK's tonight?

[Rich Puchalsky]

How do you know that those refilled bottles were full of cheap booze, as opposed to, say, urine? I certainly wouldn't have tried them.

[Charlotte]

PRICELESS!

Now excuse me while I try to dab my coffee out of my keyboard ...

[Mikhail Emelianov]

not sure why but while reading this wonderful story i imagined an older jewish man getting visibly upset about a youngster holding up the line with this stuff...

[Tim Lacy]

I was sure that cashier-undergrad exchange was headed toward a "dialect" problem, with the cashier having an Apoo-like accent. Still, this is quite funny. ...I wonder if that was Kevin Federline? I mean, you are near L.A. - TL

[The Outlander]

The best humor is the humor that contains a kernel of truth.

Thank you for your time.

[The Outlander]

The best humor is the humor that contains a kernel of truth.

Thank you for your time.

[The_Myth]

Unlike Flavia, this actually made me unhappy.

I was, indeed, delighted that "Dawg" fled in disgrace, but the chutzpah (as Ahistoricality aptly deemed it) just made me incredibly sad.

In a different store, "Dawg" would have gotten his way. "Dawg" most likely got put up to this because it's been successful before.

Ans who's to say if "Dawg" and his "bros" won't do something to get revenge.

Oh, and don;t even get me started with the whole using_the_cellphone_while_talking_to_a_real_live_person_in_a_store thing. That irritates me to no end!

Don't mind me though. I'm just perpetually cranky.

[alkau]

It's nice to see that higher education is going so well in Irvine. I'm sure his parents are happy with his language development and his honesty. Nice to see the younger generation is better then the one before it.

[aschupanitz]

This is almost better than the couple that tried to fuck on your desk.

[raychongchen]

haha someone tried to get down with the getdown on your desk scott?

anyways, did this happen at The Still?