A typical post by Acephalous Identity Incorporated is produced by our crack staff after a wildly improbable and profoundly humiliating event has befallen your humble host.
The following will not be a typical post.
As friends of Scott Kaufman already know, even conservative forecasters believe there's a better than 50 percent chance that a perfect storm of hilarious fatality will strike Kaufman down tomorrow. Consider: because he missed four consecutive classes on account of an ornery volcano, Kaufman must trek down to Irvine tomorrow no matter what. However, due to the merger of the cold he acquired in England with an opportunistic sinus infection yesterday, what little air makes it through Kaufman's head is barely being processed by his lungs. The result of this collaborative suffocation is that he is perpetually one stilted inhalation away from blacking out.
If he were to be startled, for example, by his car threatening to stall as it climbs the unholy gradient of the very road where he saw someone die last October, he would pass out and his car would careen off the side of the mountain like stock footage from the Seventies or veer into oncoming traffic and suffer the laws of physics. As he told friends yesterday, Kaufman's car threatened to do precisely that numerous times during the commute home yesterday, meaning that the odds of him dying on the road were already better before his throat and lungs conspired to smother him.
Keeping in mind that the root cause of his inability to cancel class is the eruption of an Icelandic volcano that brought Europe to its knees, the likelihood that Kaufman will meet an absurd end tomorrow is quite high. Factor in that once he was nearly arrested while retrieving cat litter from the trunk of his own car and that his trunk currently contains a giant box of the same which he is too winded to ferry into the apartment and it almost seems like the man is asking for it.
But what is "it"? How will "it" go down? This is where you come in.
Welcome to the First and Last Annual "How Will Kaufman Bite It?" Contest. From now until the inevitable moment of his death tomorrow, we here at Acephalous Identity Incorporated will be taking bets as to how (and with what ferocity) Kaufman bites it. The commenter who best captures the delicious irony of how the universe finally ends SEK will win cash money and needy cats.
So what are you waiting for? Comment boxes are standing by.