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Wednesday, 28 April 2010

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the littlewomedievalist

Kaufman will make the unfortunate mistake of sharing his exotic head cold and other pink-eye-like issues with his wife, who, in turn, will realize that the time has come to pull out that wonderful specimen of bubonic plague that she has been keeping in a petri dish in the closet.

Colin Danby

Bored CERN control-room staff are so distracted by this contest that they neglect troubling instrument readings.

Tom Elrod

In an effort to fix the state's severe budget problems, the lawmakers of California criminalize all unpaid library fines. Not only do you (unknowingly, of course) still have thousands of dollars in fees accidentally paid to the wrong university department, but Jonah Goldberg has stolen a copy of your library card and used it to check out thousands of books for his sequel to Liberal Fascism, thereby simultaneously a) proving you wrong about his poor research skills and b) bankrupting you in the process. The police are tipped off about your (now illegal) fines and you are pulled over during your drive to work. You try to explain that you're not a criminal but your inability to breath makes them suspicious. They search your car, discover the cat litter, and assume the worst. You are arrested, and legions of conservative bloggers and trolls assume that they are vindicated. You get out on bail, but are fired from your job. You go to clean out your office only to discover two undergraduates having sex. You try to get them to leave but they correctly inform you that this is no longer your office and you have no authority over them. Frustrated but without recourse, you exit the building but get stuck in the elevator for over 72 hours. Everyone assumes you've jumped bail. You are eventually rescued by Batman, who understands your plight as an outlaw and suggests teaming up with him as a masked vigilante. You accept, but on your way out the building your cold prevents you from running very fast without blacking out. Batman leaves you behind, deeply ashamed of you.

You are then struck by a random vehicle and killed.

Bourgeois Nerd

While walking near the music building, a piano falls on SEK's head.

dr

Returning, alive, from teaching, SEK settles into his favorite chair, opens his laptop, and logs on to the internet. As always, his first stop is his own blog where he hopes to read humorous stories predicting his own demise. His hopes are more than satisfied, as some of the stories are devilishly clever. SEK begins a comment in response to one of the cleverest stories and, as he revels in its morbid details, begins to laugh. Unfortunately, this is more than his compromised respiratory system can take and within three guffaws SEK is dead. His final comment reads, "I hope that I am a coward so that I cannnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn"

James T

Your old enemy from the war will have you shot at a lecture.

Colin Danby

But because he's responsible for ending our universe, the principle of Conservation of Irony requires SEK's survival! In a parallel universe he is reborn as Bryan Caplan's clone-child.

Adam Roberts

A perfectly struck cricket ball will intersect Kaufman's cranium with a painless, resonant ploc as he streaks naked across the pitch.

JohnR

Eh, I'm not going to bother trying to come up with something improbable, yet hilarious; pick a Warner Bros. cartoon of your choice for that. What I am interested in is whether you have made arrangements for someone to come in tomorrow and post the gory (hopefully) details of your inevitable demise on here for our entertainment. Preferably with photographs and one of those Rube Goldberg charts showing the various things that happened, with appropriate graphics, and the path you took careening from disaster to tragedy until the final big "splat".

Ahistoricality

The universe would get no pleasure from your death: like Job, you must endure to be interesting. Therefore, you are practically immortal, but not invulnerable; you can be beaten and broken, but not killed. You will die only when you are boring.

Rich Puchalsky

No one -- no one! -- dares challenge me! Because mine is the strongest kung fu! Er, mine is the strongest mastery of SEK mishap chronicling.

[You can skip down to the [new verses] tag to read only the new material at the end if you like. The last old verse now has the pessimistic ending. Of course!]

[Begin chorus]

They tell of a man from Californiay
Who thought that his diss would be done some day
The Devil looked up, said "I'll make him pay"
So drink one for the troubles of SEK

[end chorus]

Now SEK's list of trials is long
And we'll see who's still standing after this song
He was beat up in high school, he didn't belong
But it was in grad school that things went wrong

[Chorus]

And when his thesis had just begun
He turned against Theory, said that wasn't fun
The New Historicism is the one
He's stuck reading and re-reading Jack London

[Chorus]

The doctor told him about his thyroid
He didn't want his wife to be annoyed
"If I hide it from everyone I'll stay employed"
So four months of concealment he enjoyed

[Chorus]

Now SEK came to his office door
And found two students going at it on the floor
"This will make a good story" he thought before
The Sexual Harassment Office sent letters galore

[Chorus]

And when he was down, and his thoughts were thick
His gloom was interrupted by Honda Civic
The car slammed into him and was gone in a lick
At least six months of rehab went by quick

[Chorus]

But the most annoying were Internet trolls
Threats of bodily harm will take their toll
They sent letters to his boss, and to every soul
They could find in the whole county's Email roll

[Chorus]

He got pictures of the husband of his friend
Having sex with a horde; he thought that was the end
Should he tell her? He went and hit "send"
Now he can't go home, or with thugs he'll contend

[Chorus]

After all those troubles, he still wasn't drowned
Well, it was absurd, but this might be the crown
Overpayment of library fines will bring him down
He's no longer a student, just a proper noun

[Chorus]

He told us all this when he started a blog
And how fate or the Devil made him jump like a frog
The hiring committee looked on agog
If we hire him -- then our luck will fog

[Chorus]

[new verses]

The Devil looked up and laughed and laughed
The diss was done, SEK was on staff
His appointment wasn't tenure track
He'd be lecturing freshman till Hell and back

[Chorus]

The Devil liked what he did see
"I'll make SEK live eternally"
He'll crush people's souls, and turn them to me
Academics will cry as I laugh with glee

[Chorus]

When the Devil's plans caught up the poor sod
That brought the eye of an angry God
Volcanoes and plagues came down in turn
To stop the Devil, SEK must burn

[Chorus]

He looked at his smoldering car in despair
SEK looked up, shook his fist in the air
"I've survived again, and as you can see"
"There's nothing more you can do to me"

[Chorus]

As he raised his arm with a defiant shout
A massive lightning bolt snuffed him out
The electric charge was so whole-hog
A freak power surge erased his blog

[Chorus]

And that was the end of SEK
To his memory we drink today
Lest we get his luck, and get squashed like a bug
The rest of the bottle we now will chug

Rich Puchalsky

Oops, did I really use an AAAA rhyme scheme for those early verses? I'd remembered it as couplets. Oh well.

tina

Dude. This is totally bad juju, you know that, right? So: death by cliché. Banana peel. Totally. (Hope you feel better soon.)

Fritz

Maybe you'll choke on some Unicorn meat.

alkau

While some of these plans gave me a laugh, there is one minor fact that many of you don't know which could some day cause him to die. Since age 5, Scott has been deaf. When he was in college it was so bad he had to get hearing aids that were the first digital. Now Scott had been ahead of the game for so long he thought he really did not need them. So "new" unused aids can be found in his room, by his bed, just incase while asleep he would need them. Now, I could be wrong, but hit by a car! If he heard it he might have been able to prevent the hit. Oh, and when he had a discussion with his wife, while she was upset with him, he could not hear her due to the fact that she was in the bedroom with his hearing aids in there with her. So, Scott will lose he place here on earth for the simple reason of saving the hearing aids safe until he really, really needs them.

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