I Hear the Noise about Thy Keel*

Apologies for the silence, but it's been a long, very long, year capped off by a tragedy, and I've had difficulty getting the motor going again.  The words burn to write them, but about a month ago my friend Alan died.  This is him, at a party, wearing a stupid shirt back in 1992:

When a friend posted this photograph on Facebook, I joked that I remembered that party—and I do—but that I must've been fourteen when it was taken, and turns out I was a year off:

Because there's Alan shooting me a dirty look for some wise-ass comment I must've just made and I didn't have a beard until I was fifteen.  The thing of it is, I knew Alan primarily online: we met on a BBS, corresponded through early iterations of the Internet, and reconnected on Facebook a few years back.  Much has been written about online culture and the nature of "friendships" that're maintained solely online, but none of them quite get what it was like in those first days. 

I've been trying for more than a month now to find some way to capture just that, and have failed miserably, miserably, and miserably again.  Nor will I find success here.  But that look on Alan's face and that shot from across the room as I cover my mouth to hide whatever words just escaped it, that's a bit of it.

I'm not the best at being human—by all conventional standards, I'm an abject failure—but I always could find a place with words, and that place has been, for most of my life, online.  I ended up teaching literature for much the same reason, obviously, but I wanted, and have wanted, to acknowledge this debt to our shared pioneer frivolity for some time now.

And now, maybe, just maybe, I'll find my words again, because as anyone who knew him knows, the last thing Alan would've wanted was for his death to shut me up.

*Alan would've smacked me for titling this post thus—or for even using the word "thus," or perhaps for not using "thusly"—but this time, I get the last words.  (Even if they're not my own.)

Comments

[Malaclypse]

Sincere condolences on your loss.

[Rick]

Hm, two of the people in that bottom picture are dead. That is Gary to your right, isn't it? Better watch out for some final destination action...

[Rich Puchalsky]

Yeah, that's sad. My condolences too.

[actor212]

Good luck getting past this, SEK. I'm sorry for your loss.

As a young adult, I only had one or two friends die, one of those was pretty tangential to the arc of my life, while the other was a closer friend but still not close enough that I didn't find out about his death until years after.

Now, they're starting to go, along with parents whom I knew and other older relatives of friends.

I can only imagine the thoughts going through your head, but I offer this: no one really dies so long as even one person remembers them and loves them.

Clearly you and Alan had a bond. For that, then, be happy and happy you have the memories you do.

[Christopher Ford]

Alan's death touched a lot of us, Scott. The fact that he was such a fixture in the "scene" all those years ago makes his death even harder for me.

It is hard to describe the bond that exists between folks who forged friendships in the early BBS days, back when being online meant 300 baud modems, busy signals and redialing the same board over and over. All I know is it sucks to lose someone that you've matched wits with over and over, been allies and enemies with, fought along side of, and against.

[Stephen]

I'm sorry to hear about this, Scott.

[Serr8d]

That's you? The one who is but half-a-Cro-Magnon-gene-shy-of-a-for-reals-unibrow who is nose-picking?

See if you can post a better picture. It's hard to create a good pshop from that few pixels... )

[SEK]

You honestly believe this is an appropriate post to make that kind of comment on? Well then, I suppose this speaks more to your politics than mine.

[Donald Douglas]

'You honestly believe this is an appropriate post to make that kind of comment on?'

Oh, quit your bitching, Scott. Everyone knows you're an asshole and you're just opening up the target range here for your enemies. And frankly, I don't believe you ... this post is insincere puff and inglorious piddle, although you got this right: 'I'm not the best at being human—by all conventional standards, I'm an abject failure...'

[repsac3]

"...you're just opening up the target range here for your enemies."

Yeah, I'm sure that's all you and your s3rh8td slug friend of yours saw in this post about the death of a friend... An opportunity to launch an attack.

Fuck you, Douglas. You reveal yourself as a subhuman ass at every turn, and deserve everything that has and will befall you.

[P.T.Smith]

Let's all ignore the creatures without decency please?

Scott, I'm sorry for your loss and hope you that motor going again soon, not just so I've some interesting stuff to read, but for your own good self.

[Mike Russo]

Sorry to hear this as well, Scott. Losing one of the people who was right there with you when you were a teenager and figuring out who you are is one of the toughest things there is, so very heartfelt condolences and hopes that you get through it without too much more pain.

[Anonymous]

Mr. Douglas, I have no idea who you are, or what your beef is with Scott, but as someone who knew Scott and Alan back in the day, I just want to say that your comment is utterly inhuman. Despicable. Beneath human comprehension. You sir, whoever the fuck you may be, are a supreme asshole whose death won't be remembered half as sincerely, resolutely, or honestly as Alan's.

You sir, need to shut the fuck up and take a good, long look at yourself in your mirror before you write words again.

[Anonymous]

One last word, Mr. Douglas. Thanks for the link to your site, as it's been very instructive. I'm a hardcore libertarian who's been arguing with Scott for the better part of 20 yrs. now, and though he's wrong about almost everything, he's right about you. You're an embarrassment to whatever cause you profess. A zit on the ass of whatever ideal you champion. You sir, are attacking an honest profession of grief with petty bullshit, and should be shunned for it. You won't be, I'm sure, as you're proof that the categorical imperative doesn't exist.

And with that, I'm done with you, as you're so far beneath me that I'm pulling out my telescope and trying to spy you, but can't see a damn thing outside of the ants.

[Rich Puchalsky]

I second P.T. Smith. Scott unfortunately did open his blogging up to conservatives in an attempt to communicate with them, but the results of them being themselves are obvious enough without any need to dwell on it.

I'll see if I can turn up some of the pictures that I took of amazing natural areas within half a day's drive of L.A. My advice, as before -- and I'm sorry that I'm the kind of person who always gives advice when none is asked for -- is for you and your wife to see some of those places if you haven't already, get out of the citysprawl and especially out of the blogosphere for a bit, don't be concerned with what you have to write.

[Rich Puchalsky]

It's at here. Unfortunately, it looks too much like a tourist ad, but maybe you'll see something that you'd like to actually see.

[Anonymous]

Donnie,

I can call you Donnie, right? After spending the better part of the afternoon acquainting myself with your blog and things that others have written about you, I feel that "Donald" is much too formal for old friends such as us. Yes, after a long stroll down memory lane via Google and the Wayback Machine, it feels like we practically grew up together.

So, Donnie. After reading the message above where you accused SEK of being an asshole guilty of posting "insincere puff and inglorious piddle" I *immediately* knew where you were coming from.

Of *course* you would think Scott's post is "insincere puff"-- since on the same day SEK was posting this obviously trumped-up message about his dead friend or whatever, you were busy posting the incredibly important story about Britney Spears' latest fashion tips, which can only be honestly described as exactly the opposite of "insincere puff." Thank god for you, Donnie. Thank god you are keeping the public informed about Britney's fashion tips. This is important.

And, Donnie. Of *course* I immediately understand why you don't like this SEK character. Lets start with the easy stuff--I mean, look at his blog with all its liberal nonsense. Big words, long, substantial posts which tend to produce much discussion and debate. It's almost like SEK's blog has a COMMUNITY feel to it. Yours on the other hand is done the way all true American-Fuck-Yeah blogs are supposed to be done; with blatant disregard of applicable Fair Use Law. You steal huge swaths of content from newspapers, throw up a few original sentences and some YouTube links to generate as much SEO and traffic as possible, and generate zero discussion or debate in the process. Fuck debate or comments, who needs that on your own site when you can go troll other people's sites and carpet-bomb them to hell and back with a good ole healthy dose of FUCK YEAH AMERICAN POWER WOOO HOOOOO, while at the same time linking back to your own site to generate as much controversy, and not coincidentally, traffic and revenue as possible. Throw in some half-naked women, and you're practically emulating the Fox News business model. FUCK YEAH!

Donnie, my man.I feel you. I really do, brother. If I were you, I'd hate this SEK guy as well. From where I'm sitting it seems like this guy is just a real asshole. I mean hell, despite using a photo of a much younger version of yourself, he still manages to soundly beat your ratings at RateMyProfessors. But fuck that guy, right? Who needs ratings at some stupid ratings site! He may have your scores beat, but what does that matter? All of your life's dreams have been fulfilled by being an associate professor at a community college. Gotta love how you have time to work full time at a community college and still post an average of 10+ blog posts per day during some months. You are JUST THAT GOOD.

You've got everything you need-- a festering miasma of soft-core porn, voyeuristic gore, neoconservative fearmongering and plenty of time to troll the internet.

Fuck SEK! You're living the dream, bud.

[Ahistoricality]

Anonymous, your first two comments capture the essence of DD as well as anything I've ever seen: That is grade-A, first-class invective.

Scott, deepest sympathies. But if the quality of our humanity is judged by our friends and enemies, you're not really doing that badly, are you?

[Stratos Moustakas]

Scott, you're younger than your writing suggests.

You'll get through.

[arvind]

Sorry for your loss, Scott!