Monday, 25 June 2012

The Very Best of Acephalous 2009 January Lick on this clink. For the good of the body politic, we must all read John Updike. You have taken too much Ritalin. When does a thing become a Thing? The five most beloved characters on The Wire (according to conservatives). The Batman demonstrates his appreciation for interspecies kink. February On the mound tonight, T.S. Eliot. In his last outing he went six innings before converting to the Church of England and boring the Yankees to a forfeit. Mark Millar remains an awful writer. An historical timeline of Battlestar Galactica that, while wrong, would have been preferable to the one the show went with. "Infodump" doesn't contain the word "dump" for no reason. Why am I writing about Updike so much? March The Republican road to recovery (the cartoon version). THE WORLD NEEDS TO KNOW ABOUT MY MANICURE. GRADING! The text adventure. Don't you have someone more manly to pick a fight with? April Never judge a book by its canon. Sneezing is racist. Historical context in the multiverse. A long (and not particularly funny) joke about Lukács. Of course William Blake wrote comic books. Caravaggio can move your eyes around your head from the grave. May The best way to talk about academic work is baseball. Your paragraph should look like a hamburger. June Literary matters are only "transparent" when they're not properly literary. "This apple's the worst orange I've ever tasted." July Unread books make for better film adaptations. "We are committed to maintaining the appearance that we possess the minium degree of competence required by our office." Ann Althouse in Women Who Stare at Men Who Aren't Staring At Asses. Only fight the wars you've already won. August I completed my Ph.D. in AWESOME at the University of California, AWESOME, where I specialized in AWESOME and AWESOMER. The content of a eulogy is a function of the life being eulogized. The legitimacy of the current administration rests on Bill Ayer's knowledge of The Odyssey. On finding princesshotpantz in my office. These two books both contain oceans and words related to them so Bill Ayers must have written them. Leverage is porn for liberals. September You, sir, are no Hunter S. Thompson. Can't Bill Ayers write a book of his own for once? "I'm not racist, I just wish black people were more white." Between the last time I mention him and now, Bill Ayers ghost-authored another book. Language is revealing that Dan Riehl is a racist. "When tweeting bloggers fight, it's called a tweeting blogger battle ..." October Witnessing death through the fog on the 241. The lies we never tell ourselves we've told ourselves. Octavia Butler and the development of writerly restraint. November Work Bird brought his friends to Work Bird's Bring Your Friends to Work Bird's Work Day. You only notice I'm white because you're a racist. The Dwight D. Eisenhower Bowing Hour! The Headless Chef's award-winning Chorizo Cilantro Chili. December Avatar is as racist as Dan Riehl. Which makes it very, very racist....
The Very Best of Acephalous 2010 January On the significance of J.D. Salinger and Howard Zinn to the intellectual development of unschooled adolescents. Tell me what you think once you've finished the film, thank you very much. LURKER AMNESTY WEEK! IT WAS A SUCCESS! I'm continually surpised I don't kill myself on the way to class. The ten greatest directors in Hollywood (ranked according to their politics). The Dark Knight is, clearly, a mediation on the Buddha soul of dogs. FEBRUARY Lost in Translation isn't nearly as racist as Avatar will alway be. Does this camera angle make my head look like Tracy Morgan? Paris Hilton : Bruce Wayne :: Roosevelt : Batman How to bootstrap student diction. What is it, with students and, with commas? MARCH On the "moral" universe of Mark Millar. Politcally motivated rape "jokes" are always appropriate. John Nolte stands alone in his defense of surgically-enhanced breasts (and possibly the woman attached to them). I'm allowed to feel sad. Like when Alex Chilton passed. On the persistent metafictions of Alan Moore. APRIL I arrive in England and am immediately told to go home. I'm allowed to stay, but the authorities require I be accompanied by a lonely ghost. Not that the ghost can do anything about volcanos. So now I live in an alternate England in which air travel is impossible. The god in charge of Icelandic volcanos relents and I'm allowed to return home. Where I discover they've done terrible things to Kitty Pryde. MAY What do you mean "I just passed two kidney stones"? What do these words in the newspaper mean? That my apartment's about to burn down? Why didn't you just say so? There's a proper time and place for everything, but right now and in here is neither. Daniel Clowes is better than you. And him too. Not to mention her. JUNE THE GREAT CARAVAGGIO HUNT! Consulting high school poetry notebooks is never a good idea. Ever wondered what passing a kidney stone feels like? A One-Act Play written by SEK and performed by Al Swearengen. JULY Inception was thuddingly dull, so I wrote about it twice. I'm a happily married man who very nearly wasn't. I'm the monster your kittens fear. Until we lose ourselves (or are hit by another car) this narrative is us. AUGUST Finally I can be a proud white man again! Flat characters can't gush about the complex inner lives they lack. At least my position is grounded in historical fact instead of ideological fancy. SEPTEMBER The fact that it sounds like they're planning to rape her is just a coincidence. The many faces of the Republican party (according to the Republican party). OCTOBER How to write like Mark Millar, should you want to, which you shouldn't. NOVEMBER Ceiling Cat's not the only one who can see you masturbating. The Headless Chef teaches you how to bake delicious cheese cake without cheese. James O'Keefe hears the word "nigger," but can't find a conservative to pin it on. DECEMBER Jonathan Franzen blah blah,...

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