Monday, 11 November 2013

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Fear of a Hat Planet Remember SEK's NEIGHBOR? The one who thought SEK belonged to a gang because of his backward hat? Well, this morning SEK decided it was about time to start watching The Sopranos, and so when he was driving home from the grocery store and saw his NEIGHBOR, SEK thought it'd be a great idea to slow his car to a crawl and give NEIGHBOR a good eye-fucking. The fake neighborhood "police" started driving around until, finally, MR. POLICEMAN -- with NEIGHBOR in tow -- knocked on SEK's door. MR. POLICEMAN: Have you been threatening this man? SEK: What? No. MR. POLICEMAN: Is that your car? SEK: Yes. MR. POLICEMAN: He says a man in a hat was threatening him this morning. SEK: (points to hair) I'm not wearing a hat. NEIGHBOR: It's you! You have a hat! SEK: I'm sure I do somewhere. What's this about, officer? MR. POLICEMAN: Have you been speeding recently? SEK: I've been in Houston, my sister just had a baby. Wanna see a picture? NEIGHBOR: He has a hat! MR. POLICEMAN: So you haven't been speeding? SEK: I haven't even been here. NEIGHBOR: Ask him about his hat? SEK: Do you need a hat, sir? NEIGHBOR: I want to see your hat! SEK: Officer, should I get him a hat? MR. POLICEMAN: I don't think that'll be necessary. Sorry to have bothered you, sir. NEIGHBOR looks at SEK. SEK waits until the officer turns around, then eye-fucks NEIGHBOR again. NEIGHBOR: ASK HIM ABOUT HIS HAT! MR. POLICEMAN: (to NEIGHBOR) We're done here. NOT REALLY AN UPDATE: For the record, what I thought was going to happen turned out to be funnier. What's the point of living life as if it were performance art if it refuses to perform? Sigh: The fake neighborhood "police" just drove by, and I can't help but wonder what they're looking for: "Suspect is an off-white late-model academic, so use extreme caution, he may have an ethnicity. Repeat: he may have an ethnicity." (And after they bust in and shoot me, they'll be all like, "It's terrible, sir, it's terrible. The books! THEY"RE EVERYWHERE. On the floor, there're little ones on the table, looks like he broke their spines. OH THE HUMANITIES!")
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Man of Steel is, hands down, the greatest movie I have ever seen I watched Man of Steel again yesterday, and all I can say is that on second-viewing, I'm impressed by Zak Synder's subtlety. He captured Superman's insectile origins quite superbly -- native Kryptonians fly aback demon dragonflies and travel the stars in space-beetles! -- and never once tried to compare this creation of two Jews writing at the advent of the Second World War to anything inappropriate: I was also impressed by his integrity. During the hour-and-a-half-long climactic fight scene, Snyder could have gone for gore and showed the human toll of Superman's decision to move the fight from one heavily populated area to the next, but he never let you forget that the Real Victims™ are people too, my friends: I mean, Zod was blinded by our Terran sun when he threw Superman into that 7-11's gas pumps. It was just an innocent bystander! Fortunately, Superman's here to avenge those pumps' deaths: Zod will have none of it. "I'm stronger than you, a warrior bred," he tells the symbol of Truth, Justice and the Americans Who Matter, right before tossing him into one of our most sacred temples: Now Superman's the one having none of it. "YOU CAN BREAK MY PANCAKES, BUT YOU CAN NEVER TAKE MY -- But before Superman can stop Zod from trolling the planet, a minion throws a U-Haul van that you can rent for $19.95 a day by calling 1-800-GO-U_HAUL at an army helicopter, so he can't worry about the broken pancakes, because he has a more important person to save: JESUS CHRIST -- no pun intended -- are you an idiot? You already saved him. 7-11 is fine. What you mean he's still in danger? I don't care how that shot's framed, Kal-El. She's about to literally shoot that man with eye-lasers. Where are your priorities? "Son, I need you to punch her face for America." THANK YOU DETECTIVE STABLER. Maybe we can grossly manipulate him into -- Did you just 9/11 Metropolis? WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU? Can't you save anything? You've got to be fucking kidding me. That's it, I'm done.

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