AWE-SPEX UNVEILED, MYSPACE DAYS NUMBERED By ALBERT PFAFFMAN Wannabe Staff Writer
LOS ANGELES - Researchers, armed with AWE-SPEX, dive deep into the MySpace problem to find answers and a cure.
A congress of cultural theorists, anthropologists, social scientists and mothers met under cover of darkness earlier this week at an undisclosed time in an undisclosed Los Angeles warehouse to unveil the newest weapon in the fight against the teenage enigma known as MySpace.
Dr. Simon Kohlekopf, speaking representative for the event, introduced the device, a black box set atop a crystal pedestal.
"The AWE-SPEX is the scientific and responsible community's answer to the MySpace epidemic. It is not a weapon, really, so if that was what you were hoping for, you can go home."
When pressed by the audience with cries for more assertive action, Dr. Kohlekopf replied, "This is a war no bullets can win. See this hole? You stick your head in it. You take your home movies, from before MySpace. With the kids in them. The images play back on an interior screen and the VHS cassettes plug into the back."
Its origins a mystery since hackers targeted specific government historical archives, MySpace has since been fingered by a handful of political and human interest groups for its alleged corruption and subversion of American youths.
"It's time we took a stand," said Tyson McAllister, observer and concerned father. His son, Tommy, 16, sat down at the family computer three hours ago and never got up.
"I know it's MySpace," said McAllister. "What's he spending all that time doing, anyway? Smoking pot through the microphone and color coordinating I bet. If it's color-coordinating, somebody's going to get a whuppin'. Damn. I miss the little tyke." Dr. Kohlekopf and his assistants gave the gathering crowd one-on-one demonstrations on the functions and capabilities of the AWE-SPEX. Event participants sat cross-legged in a circle and passed the black box amongst themselves.
"Well, it's lightweight," says Susanne Miller, former mother of two. "Will it fit in my pantry?"
Says Graham Whittaker of Consumer Reports, "It's nice. Black is back, you know. But I'd like to see some DVD compatibility in the future. Minidiscs? I know they're out, but, come on. We're dealing with the loss of my children here."
Anticipating the rush of questions, Dr. Kohlekopf pre-empted a deluge of raised hands with a maternal shushing.
"Powered by eight double-A batteries, or your standard electrical outlet, and only $69.99 each."
Says McAllister, "Damn. I'll take two!"
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A classmate and I didn't really know where to post this thing - up here? or straight to Scott's email? And considering I sent my scene analysis two weeks ago straight to his email, and no mention of our analysises have been made at all (I'd nearly forgotten about it myself), I wonder if I should repost that first assignment here as well.
Or am I completely wrong?
I wasn't exactly sure if I did this right either...
Hilton Causes Stir at Video Game Expo
LOS ANGELES (AP) -- Paris Hilton unveiled her new video game on Thursday, but inexplicably called it by the wrong name as she greeted throngs of fans and photographers.
Wearing a green minidress and red platform pumps, Hilton made a brief appearance at the Electronic Entertainment Expo to promote "Paris Hilton's Jewel Jam."
"Sorry I'm late," the heiress said. "I'm really excited to have my new video game, 'Diamondquest.' Thank you all for coming, and you can download the game," she said.
After Hilton arrived, men in business suits jockeyed for space with reporters and computer geeks as she sat at a table posing for photographers while signing autographs.
Her game, which can be played on a cell phone, will be available this summer. Video game maker Gameloft will produce a series of video games with Hilton.
The expo at the Los Angeles Convention Center showcases the latest innovations in the video game industry.
Although this is a short article, this article, in itself, is a complete parody.
LOS ANGELES (AP)— Masked by a tiara and a brightly colored, red feathered boa, the Hilton Princess, also known as Paris Hilton, walked into the packed conference room twenty-five minutes later that the Electronic Entertainment Expo was scheduled to begin at the Los Angeles Convention Center. Hilton’s chestnut colored Chihuahua squinted at the bustling conversations that came from the sea of gray suits and brightly colored ties that welcomed the princess and her pet as they entered the room with the utmost delicacy. It was almost as if the people had never seen anything quite like Hilton and her living accessory—all eyes were on the blonde celebrity and her matching dog as she walked down the red carpeted aisle to the oak podium. Once she reached the front of the room, silence blanketed the room as reporters and software engineers alike waited anxiously to see what the princess would say about her new game titled “Paris Hilton’s Jewel Jam.”
But just as Hilton’s green minidress and red platform pumps were not complete without her tiara and red-feathered boa, Hilton’s promotion was not complete without her trademark choice of words—or lack of the right words for her own video game. The heiress became so immersed in modeling for the crowd of reporters and photographers and signing autographs that she did not notice, or immediately react, when she inadvertently called her own game by the wrong name. Hilton had attended the Electronic Entertainment Expo promotion briefly to promote the game. Hilton continued her promotion speech with the wrong name—but only until one reporter raised his hand and asked her to repeat the name of the upcoming game. The heiress responded to her tardiness, with no mention of the wrong name. Instead, the heiress used it again.
"Sorry I'm late," the heiress said. "I'm really excited to have my new video game, 'Diamondquest.' Thank you all for coming to promote my new creation. You can download the game.”
The game, which can played on one’s cell phone, will be available this summer for download or personal purchase. It will be the first of many games for the heiress and her partner game maker, Gameloft. The initial game will be followed by a series of games—which means, it will also be followed by a series of promotions by the heiress herself.
“I really am looking forward to the game,” software engineer Lucy Davillia said. “The only thing that confused me about the promotion was that I had a hard time connecting the wrong name of the game to the game I have been working on for the last year. We were a team. We at Gameloft engineered the game. Hilton picked the name.”
Posted by: Veronica Lewis | May 12, 2006 at 06:01 PM
btw, the first part is the original and the second part is my parody.
Posted by: Veronica Lewis | May 12, 2006 at 06:02 PM