AWE-SPEX UNVEILED, MYSPACE DAYS NUMBERED By ALBERT PFAFFMAN Wannabe Staff Writer
LOS ANGELES - Researchers, armed with AWE-SPEX, dive deep into the MySpace problem to find answers and a cure.
A congress of cultural theorists, anthropologists, social scientists and mothers met under cover of darkness earlier this week at an undisclosed time in an undisclosed Los Angeles warehouse to unveil the newest weapon in the fight against the teenage enigma known as MySpace.
Dr. Simon Kohlekopf, speaking representative for the event, introduced the device, a black box set atop a crystal pedestal.
"The AWE-SPEX is the scientific and responsible community's answer to the MySpace epidemic. It is not a weapon, really, so if that was what you were hoping for, you can go home."
When pressed by the audience with cries for more assertive action, Dr. Kohlekopf replied, "This is a war no bullets can win. See this hole? You stick your head in it. You take your home movies, from before MySpace. With the kids in them. The images play back on an interior screen and the VHS cassettes plug into the back."
Its origins a mystery since hackers targeted specific government historical archives, MySpace has since been fingered by a handful of political and human interest groups for its alleged corruption and subversion of American youths.
"It's time we took a stand," said Tyson McAllister, observer and concerned father. His son, Tommy, 16, sat down at the family computer three hours ago and never got up.
"I know it's MySpace," said McAllister. "What's he spending all that time doing, anyway? Smoking pot through the microphone and color coordinating I bet. If it's color-coordinating, somebody's going to get a whuppin'. Damn. I miss the little tyke." Dr. Kohlekopf and his assistants gave the gathering crowd one-on-one demonstrations on the functions and capabilities of the AWE-SPEX. Event participants sat cross-legged in a circle and passed the black box amongst themselves.
"Well, it's lightweight," says Susanne Miller, former mother of two. "Will it fit in my pantry?"
Says Graham Whittaker of Consumer Reports, "It's nice. Black is back, you know. But I'd like to see some DVD compatibility in the future. Minidiscs? I know they're out, but, come on. We're dealing with the loss of my children here."
Anticipating the rush of questions, Dr. Kohlekopf pre-empted a deluge of raised hands with a maternal shushing.
"Powered by eight double-A batteries, or your standard electrical outlet, and only $69.99 each."
Says McAllister, "Damn. I'll take two!"
A classmate and I didn't really know where to post this thing - up here? or straight to Scott's email? And considering I sent my scene analysis two weeks ago straight to his email, and no mention of our analysises have been made at all (I'd nearly forgotten about it myself), I wonder if I should repost that first assignment here as well.
Or am I completely wrong?