How to Open an Academic Essay, Part I: Hostile Habilis

Dear Stan Slanders,

I spent this morning reading over my buddy's excellent first chapter.  It was very good.  I think he is smart.  But his chapter begins with an argument.  He assumes his readers will be interested in that argument because, well, because he is.  I know my buddy wants people to read his chapter, but I don't know how to tell him that most people find arguments boring.  What should I do?

Best,

A Colleague Enraged that People Hang Academics Living Outside the United States

Stan Slanders Replies:

Thanks for sharing, A.C.E.P.H.A.L.O.U.S.  I've enclosed a check for $7.50 American (or $8,987.64 Canadian).  Maybe we can save a couple Canadian scholars from the roaming Quebecois hordes.  Your question, however, demands a thoughtful response, but this'll have to suffice:

Of the many ways to open an academic essay, clearly the most traditional (among undergraduates) is to recapitulate in words the opening scenes of Stanley Kubrick's 2001: A Space Odyssey.  Inform your reader that they're witnessing The Dawn of Man.  Talk about this (figurative) primitive human society--e.g. America before the advent of academic feminism or Western Culture before the fall of imperialism--and show some (figurative) ape-men fiddling around with some (figurative) bones.  Discuss how violent these (figurative) ape-men became after the arrival of something strange, unusual or otherwise discomfiting.  Cue Also Sprach Zarathustra.  Show how the new thing provokes a frenzied rage from the (figurative) ape-men.  Loose the bone!  Seamlessly jump-cut to a (figurative) spaceship following the same graceful trajectory and you have written the mother of all introductions.  (Essays introduced in this manner are often difficult to conclude.  Final paragraphs alternately baffle, entrance and stupify readers.)

Yours in Academic Vice, Virtue and Vitriol,

Stan Slanders

Comments

[Invader Zim]

I totally agree with Stan Slanders's advice. In fact, Slanders is in agreement with another well-known writer, who states, "a hideous green pseudopod crawls toward the cordon of troops and suddenly sshhlop! wipes out an entire observation post with a deluge of some disgusting orange mucus in which the unfortunate men are *digested*. Pirate/Osmo's mission is to establish liaison with the Adenoid."

[Postmodernwanker]

As always, an insightful comment from Zim. In fact, I think what you've posted has been within all our minds; I appreciate someone having the guts to finally come out and say it.

[We've All Read Our Lacan]

I disagree with Mr. Wanker about the merits of Zim's post. While Zim himself is a fair-minded, independent, well-meaning thinker, his message contains an unconscious (dare I say it) racism that would repulse a Goebbels. Why describe Pirate/Osmo in strictly neutral language while using much more vivid, colorful imagery to characterize the Adenoid, to wit: "hideous green psuedopod," "disgusting orange mucus"?

[Some Canadian Guy]

At last, I am putting the finishing touches on the 110th revision of my Ellison/Myrdal chapter. NOW it is going to be perfect. I am not going to let my adviser change a word...not a word!!

[Krynoid]

http://www.utulsa.edu/JJoyceQtrly/policy.html

[A. Cephalous]

Invader Zim, I'm only going to say this once: Put down the Pynchon and step away from the blow. You don't need it, nor is it appropos to what I've written here. (Except for the blow. It's obviously irritating the Adenoid and probably has something to do with those final sequences of 2001: A Space Odyssey. Or not. The first posters advertised it as "The Ultimate Trip".)