Thursday, 12 May 2005

When An "Um" Makes All the Difference: A Sarcasmatical Investigation On a day in which I have referenced Jeff Foxworthy and written, at length, about Paris Hilton, I am the last person who should complain about looking stupid. However, somewhere else in the Wide World of Blog I replied to a particularly juvenile comment about the location of my lips relative to someone else's posterior with sarcastic faux-beffuddlement: Um, I know you are but what am I? All the weight of the sarcasm falls upon that "um," without which I appear to be responding to a juvenile statement with an equally juvenile statement but without a hint of the superiority. So where has my "um" gotten off to? Why do I look like a mere participant in a puerile pissing contest instead of a smug and superior participant in a puerile pissing contest? How can I live with an inflated sense of self-worth if no one can see it in all its puffed and ruffled glory? The answer, of course, is I will have to redouble my efforts to make a public ass of myself. This will involve responding to more of John Bruce's outlandish claims, including John Holbo and three elite Mexican gun-runners are responsible for the the inner city crack-cocaine epidemic of the 1980s. Adam Kotsko never remembers to turn off the iron. I'm a woman. I have a tough time ahead, so if you or anyone you know ever thinks about praying, ask them to pray a little prayer for me. And tell them not to be sarcastic, as I hear He can't brook it any more than John Bruce.
You Are BANNED! or The Spectors of Identity Politics An explanation of the first half of the title can be found below the fold. As for the second, well, I've been too busy dissertating to think too deeply about what to blog about today, but while I've worn myself out dissertating today, I don't want to stop thinking entirely--I see you, Tom Glavine, but I'm busy thinking--so I'm going to share some of the--quiet, Tom Glavine, sit down--some of the more interesting--TOM GLAVINE!--some of the more interesting things I've, oh, Jesus H. Christ--TOM GLAVINE SIT DOWN AND SHUT UP SO I CAN FINISH THIS SENTENCE! What? THAT'S IT! I'M TAKING OFF THE BELT!--interesting, where was I, what, oh, some stuff. I want to share some stuff. About how identity politics work vis-a-vis ghost stories. Just like orange or fuschia people can't write all that convincing purple or Napoleonic characters, or something, neither can the living write convincingly about the dead, as the advertisement for Jack London's Before Adam in the Sept. 28, 1906 edition of the New York Times attests: Did you ever read a convincing ghost story? You never did, because those who wrote them tried to imagine what a ghost would say. The only way to write a ghost story which will sound real, which will convince, is to be a ghost and write it from the ghost's point of view. Jack London, the writer responsible for this tripe implies, can write about "man before he had any of the veneer of civilization, before society was invented," because he "has lived a strange life among men and women whose passions are primeval. He has seen men in the raw, stripped down to the mainsprings of life, when only instinctive passions were working--hunger, thirst, revenge, joy--the intensities of life--when vocabulary was simply ejaculation!" Alright... I've learned a valuable lesson: When you pretend you're someone else, gigantic flashing signs screaming "I'm pretending to be someone else" won't cut it. For example: If you say you're "Not the Real President Bush," you're bound to confuse some people. "Is that the real President Bush?" these easily confused people will wonder. "It says he's 'NTR President Bush,' but then again, that W. said there were WMDs in Iraq. Until I have further evidence that he's not who he says he isn't, I better assume he is." When they discover that you're not who you say you aren't--"I linked to my homepage, not his," you thought, "surely even children will understand that there's no deception intended"--they'll be hoppin' mad. "You tricked me!" they'll say. "I thought you were who you said you weren't! You're banned!" Comment #1: You think you ought to read a book 'fore you write about it? No need! Look how accurate-like a review can be by just assumin' you know what some book's 'bout. Like that one by Dick Wright, Native Son, why I tell you it ain't proper for a good ol' boy to lord it up all over the impov'rished by tellin' 'em how great it is...

Become a Fan

Recent Comments