Wednesday, 02 November 2005

How to Blog: A Primer For Those Who Only Comment; or, On The Origins of Certain Obscenities (Scroll Down for the Fun Stuff) [Ramblings of a Sudafed Stein] First and foremost, if you hope to have an audience outside your circle of friends, you must have one thought per day about a thing other people care about. Like today I sat down and thought how wonderful it would be to think about adjectives this afternoon. What does prose look like with them? What does it look like without them? Why do we gender the relative distribution of adjectives? Why do too many make sentences sound "feminine" and not enough make sentences sound "masculine"? What is it about precision that reflects upon our respective genitalia? Then I sit. You may wonder why I specify that since I have probably been sitting the entire time. Which I have. So I add in the interest of wily womanish precision that "Then I continue to sit." Because I could have stood up and paced. I could have waved my arms—I could be waving them right now—instead I continue my sedent defiance of motion. So I say to you again as I have said that I am and have been seated for some time as I compose this post. So I sit thinking about adjectival precision and external organs of generation and wondering whether the audience I imagine into existence nightly will think a post about gender and exactness worthy of wasting 13 minutes reading. But the point is that I sit. Sitting is important. Only if you sit can you learn anything about yourself. Could Gertrude Stein have composed the following standing up or astride some beast of locomotion? Identity is funny being yourself is funny as you are never yourself to yourself except as you remember yourself and then of course you do not believe yourself . . . . you do not really believe yourself why should you, you know so well so very well that it is not yourself, it could not be yourself because you cannot remember right and if you do remember right it does not sound right and of course it does not sound right because it is not right. You are of course never yourself. No I do not think she could why do you think she could because she could not have. Reading Gertrude Stein may be hazardous to your prose or if not hazardous then a hazard which you would avoid if you could avoid but you cannot avoid because you cannot. See what I mean? So you sit there to compose your post instead of moving around to move around like the way Darwin designed people to and then you write down what you think about precision and penises and vaginas. In an act of pure puerility you consider what you could say about the plural of the noun "penis." "What is the plural of 'penis'?" you could ask and then you could say that while investigating this most mysterious mystery you tripped over the word "penintime" with all the grace of a shitface and momentarily thought...
The Buck Stops . . . Over There, You Know, Way, Way Over There Written on the baggy in which a manuscript from overseas arrived: ATTENTION: POSTMASTER PLEASE FORWARD THIS ARTICLE TO THE ADDRESSEE. DEAR POSTAL CUSTOMER: The enclosed was found loose in the mails or has been damaged in handling prior to arrival in the Postal Service (whichever is applicable to the enclosure). We realize mail is important to you and you have every right to expect it to be delivered intact and in good condition. The Postal Service makes every effort to properly handle the mail entrusted to it but occasional damage may occur prior to its handling by the Postal Service. When the Post Office handles in excess of eighteen million pieces of mail daily, it is imperative . . . . . . blah blah blah blame the Royal Mail blah blah blah we try hard but this isn't our fault blah blah blah. I could add that ever since our zipcode changed last summer, it has taken Netflix films three days to arrive instead of one; that I consistently receive bills the day before or the very day they're due; or that anytime anyone sends me anyhing and I thank them for it their response is "It took that long to get there?" I could say that, but then I remember that episode of Seinfeld and think better of it. Were I to mock said baggy-speak, I'd say stuff like "Magnificent passing of the buck, my good man!" and "We realize that mail is important to you"? I'd answer the latter with stuff like "Yes! So is my credit rating!" But that's only if I were to answer. Which I refuse to do. On principle. Because mail is important to me . . .

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