My Morning: A Play in One Uncomfortable Act

ME: Do do do do WHOA!
 
HALF-NAKED COUPLE IN MY OFFICE: GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE!
 
ME: What?
 
HALF-NAKED FEMALE: DON'T YOU KNOCK? (putting shirt back on)
 
ME: Before I come into my office?
 
HALF-NAKED MALE: GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE! (buttoning pants)
 
ME: (starting to enjoy this) I have a student coming in two minutes.  Finish up.
 
HALF-NAKED, BLUE-BALLED MALE: GO ALREADY!
 
ME: (closes door, waits one minute, knocks) Are you decent?
 
HALF-NAKED MALE: GO THE FUCK AWAY!  THIS IS PRIVATE!  WE'RE BUSY!
 
ME: (holding the door half-open) I'm coming in.
 
HALF-NAKED MALE: STOP HARASSING US YOU PERVERT OR I'LL REPORT YOU!
 
ME: (still holding door) You'll report me for your having sex in my office?
 
HALF-NAKED MALE: GO THE FUCK AWAY!
 
ME: (still holding door) That's it.  Put your clothes back on.  You can't have sex in my office.
 
HALF-NAKED MALE: DON'T YOU FUCKING DARE COME IN HERE!

(my student walks up)
 
MY STUDENT: What's going on?
 
ME: (still holding door) Some people are trying to have sex in my office.  I keep interrupting them.
 
MY STUDENT: Are they really having sex in there?
 
HALF-NAKED MALE: THIS IS SEXUAL HARASSMENT!
 
ME: (props open door with rubber stop) They're trying.

This continues for a couple more minutes. He shouts profanity, she starts crying, &c. About two minutes later the couple emerges and I get some nasty looks. Who am I to stop them from having sex in my office?

UPDATE: For the record, I have been funny before.

UPDATE II: Read this.  It explains everything.

UPDATE III: Don't read UPDATE II.  Read this instead.

Comments

[Stephen]

Aren't those office doors in Krieger Hall normally locked? How did they get in there?

[Scott Eric Kaufman]

They are, which is one of the reasons I had Kathleen put in a request to change the locks on my office door. I believe what happened is that since my once spacious office is now being filled with departmental detritus, someone left the door unlocked when he or she left. Still (shivers) I hope they haven't been doing this all quarter.

[ben wolfson]

I can't wait to have an office.

[New Kid on the Hallway]

Wow.

That's really all I have to say.

Just - wow.

[Rebecca]

Yeah, New Kid, I'm right there with you. Wow. I've had some odd office experiences, but that just takes the cake.

[Paul Gowder]

Memo from the department chair tomorrow: "you will be sharing your office with..."

[Bill Tozier]

Me, I just want to know: undergraduate, graduate, faculty, staff, or passers-by?

[nerf poodles]

Apparently the director in your mind didn't 'cue porno music' at the right time to allow you to join in and get supa-freaky. That is what usually happens, right?

[nerf poodles]

Apparently the director in your mind didn't 'cue porno music' at the right time to allow you to join in and get supa-freaky. That is what usually happens, right?

[John Doe]

"Dear ABA Letters,

I never would have believed this sort of thing really happened, but.."

[Timothy Burke]

Please tell me you are not serious. This actually happened?

People were having sex in your office and they told you to get out? What?

Like Bill, I'm dying to know: are these students? physical plant staff? colleagues? The scenario is a bit different depending on which it is. If it's students, that's especially alarming from a number of standpoints: how did they get in? I'd check my computer if I were you.

[Rich Puchalsky]

Am I the only one who didn't think that this story sounded that odd? Uh oh.

I mean, 18 year olds + no place to go (depending on their dorm policies or roommates or whatever) = inappropriate appropriation of any momentarily private space. It's not like people are paragons of adult judgement and self-control at that age.

[just john]

"Office" and "orifice" are easily confused words.

Did you ask them to come back later to sign copies of the surveillance videos?

[Timothy Burke]

Rich, it's someone's private office. Presumably with potentially confidential records in it that students in particular shouldn't be allowed to see.

Fucking in the bushes or in the library stacks or in a classroom closet I get. Entering someone's private office I don't get. Would you just say, "Hey, horny young people with bad judgement" if you came home and two college students that you didn't know were screwing on your couch, having broken in your back door cause they were feeling horny and your house happened to be nearby when the lust struck them? I mean, jeezus. Plus telling someone to get out of their own office so you can *finish your coitus*? Wow.

[Steve]

"I'm not even upset; I'm amazed!"

In all seriousness... wow.

Rich, as a college student, I'm offended by your remarks :-p that's what closets are for! Or at least a classroom for pete's sake. Somebody else's office? Never.

[Rich Puchalsky]

I guess I should clarify that Scott's right to have the locks changed, and that I certainly see why he'd be annoyed, and that the students involved sound even more self-centered than usual for people that age. But the basic situation? People have mentioned other places in which they wouldn't find this that surprising: the students, unlike Scott, probably didn't consider the office "filled with departmental detritus" to be an especially personal space, and I'd guess they found the door open. I mean, it makes a good story, but my shockedness that this might happen is at a similar level to Capt. Renault's.

[paul]

Steve (Thursday, 01 December 2005 at 08:09 AM) wrote that's what closets are for!

Is this part of the homosexual agenda I keep hearing about? Now that gays get to come out of the closet, straights are expected to take their place? Jeez. Maybe the fundies are right.

[Dave]

What gets me is the damn nerve! I mean really! Threatening to report you?!?!??
What the hell world are these kids living in?

[fearless leader]

Been there, done that

[Rebecca]

What a great story. I love the rubber door stopper part. I take it that if you're having the locks changed, they were undergrads?