My Morning: A Play in One Uncomfortable Act

ME: Do do do do WHOA!
 
HALF-NAKED COUPLE IN MY OFFICE: GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE!
 
ME: What?
 
HALF-NAKED FEMALE: DON'T YOU KNOCK? (putting shirt back on)
 
ME: Before I come into my office?
 
HALF-NAKED MALE: GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE! (buttoning pants)
 
ME: (starting to enjoy this) I have a student coming in two minutes.  Finish up.
 
HALF-NAKED, BLUE-BALLED MALE: GO ALREADY!
 
ME: (closes door, waits one minute, knocks) Are you decent?
 
HALF-NAKED MALE: GO THE FUCK AWAY!  THIS IS PRIVATE!  WE'RE BUSY!
 
ME: (holding the door half-open) I'm coming in.
 
HALF-NAKED MALE: STOP HARASSING US YOU PERVERT OR I'LL REPORT YOU!
 
ME: (still holding door) You'll report me for your having sex in my office?
 
HALF-NAKED MALE: GO THE FUCK AWAY!
 
ME: (still holding door) That's it.  Put your clothes back on.  You can't have sex in my office.
 
HALF-NAKED MALE: DON'T YOU FUCKING DARE COME IN HERE!

(my student walks up)
 
MY STUDENT: What's going on?
 
ME: (still holding door) Some people are trying to have sex in my office.  I keep interrupting them.
 
MY STUDENT: Are they really having sex in there?
 
HALF-NAKED MALE: THIS IS SEXUAL HARASSMENT!
 
ME: (props open door with rubber stop) They're trying.

This continues for a couple more minutes. He shouts profanity, she starts crying, &c. About two minutes later the couple emerges and I get some nasty looks. Who am I to stop them from having sex in my office?

UPDATE: For the record, I have been funny before.

UPDATE II: Read this.  It explains everything.

UPDATE III: Don't read UPDATE II.  Read this instead.

Comments

[MT]

Sure it was your office, but you were ungenerous in your role as a teacher and scholar. Remember ultimately all of us have the same goal of advancing knowledge.

[fearless leader]

Forgive me, I didn't mean to sound pompous above, there was a loud knock on my door just as I prepared to comment, and it's not like people aren't out to get me these days.

Anyway, what I mean to say is that I can testify to profound effect these encounters can have on a psyche.

I have been the copulatee, not the copulator, in a few such instances and have always chucked it up to uncaring roommates back in the dormitory, insensitive to the intruder's biological urges.

And horomones. Lot's of hormones.

[Scott Eric Kaufman]

Rebecca S., since you're up there too, I'll answer you first: I'm 99% certain they were undergraduates. They may be very young graduate students from another department, but I doubt it. Nor do I think, as someone at the LJ staff meeting yesterday suggested, that they were exhibitionists, since the young lady left the room in tears. (I'm in 500C, that one on the corner facing HIB, and since the woman seemed reluctant to leave with me holding the door open, eventually my student and I went around to the side of the building so they could leave. I did really feel sorry for her in the end.)

Dave, I think they're living in the same world many people live in when they're that young, you know, the one in which they're invincible, correct on all counts, &c.

Tim and Rich, you're both right. My office may appear uninhabited because of all the desks--I should bring my camera Friday so you can see what I mean--but at the same time, the "clearing" I've created is obviously inhabited. There's no way a person can see my desk and not realize that it's someone's workspace. As for your concerns, Tim, as I said, I'm almost positive they were students, and since all I do on the computer in that office is use it to print stuff out, I'm not too worried about it. I did remove the student papers which, as someone who emailed me noted, is a particularly strange reaction. I'll just quote it:

1) Rampant sex fiends are apparently gaining entry into locked offices, where they proceed to do, well, what rampant sex fiends would do; and so

2) these same rampant sex fiends, disrespecting property as they do and exhibiting questionable moral character, would certainly (after all the sex was done) have an interest in gaining access to essays written by students who were busy writing essays instead of engaging in lewder activities, and would add insult to injury by making off with assorted papers they found in the office they so recently desecrated (perhaps because, what with all the rampant activity and all, they probably haven't had all that much time to craft essays of their own, and would think nothing of pilfering work from other students and doing god knows what unspeakable things with it, since they're not even students from your class), and yet

3) they would have no interest in pilfering your books, which are far more expensive and, I imagine, interesting.

The ironic part of this story is that on Tuesday I had a student tell me about her Sociology 69 class the day before. It's almost as if that conversation left its mark on the room.

[Rich Puchalsky]

"they would have no interest in pilfering your books, which are far more expensive and, I imagine, interesting"

The single most true sentence that Zelazny ever wrote was the one about how no one except your friends ever steal your books.

As for the student papers, well, there's a Joe Sacco comic book story about someone having his office inappropriately used for sex that I don't think I should even summarize further. But the papers might have been -- er -- marked up, let's say.

[Rey]

Seems to me like it kinda defeats the whole "fear of getting caught" thing to act all indignant and pretend like it was your right to be there. But then, I've always wondered how those "fear of getting caught" people would react if they were, in fact, caught.

[wayne]

The perfect moment for...a can of pepper spray!!

First shot in the eyes, second one quite a bit lower. I promise you they would never even consider trying this in someone's office again.

Maybe you might want to consider putting one of those live webcams in your office with a motion sensor and an open access to the school intranet so that anyone who decided to use your office after hours would be on public display.

Even more fun you could set up a remote to a tear gas cannister so about the time said couple was really getting their freak on the public could enjoy their reaction to getting tear-gassed and running out into the hall naked.

A little creative application of blurred-out spots might even get you $10,000 on America's Funniest Videos or something similar.

[smartalek]

as entertaining as Wayne's 10:19 scenario would be, you do realize that the "perpetrators" woulld then become "victims," would sue -- and would win big; would thus cost both the Prof and the University big-time; and would then become celebrities, raking in even more buckage for years to come. (As it were.)

[Quaker in a Basement]

My favorite moment:

"HALF-NAKED MALE: THIS IS SEXUAL HARASSMENT!"

No, this is harrassing people who are trying to have sex. Very different.

[Jane Dark]

Oh my goodness. Wow. I should be careful. Not that my office is unlocked, but that it's out of the way, and well-heated, and would probably be very comfortable.

Not that I really think this would happen...

Thanks for sharing.

[Caroline]

Oh my. This was the opening for a bad cable comedy. My lord, are they packing the stupid in college these days? Is there something in the water?

[fiat lux]

No, no, this is the best bit:

HALF-NAKED MALE: STOP HARASSING US YOU PERVERT OR I'LL REPORT YOU!

ME: (still holding door) You'll report me for your having sex in my office?

Given the undergrad's state at the time, I suppose a lack of rational thought was to be expected, but it's still funny.

[carla]

My favorite moment:

"HALF-NAKED MALE: THIS IS SEXUAL HARASSMENT!"

No, this is harrassing people who are trying to have sex. Very different.

Not to pick nits, but frankly the cranial energy it took to decide to have sex in someone's office isn't exactly a high voltage situation. Couple that (pun intended) with a blood flow moving away from the brain into the nether regions..and Kaufman is probably lucky to get THAT much.

This made my day, btw. LOL

[Mnemosyne]

I mean, it makes a good story, but my shockedness that this might happen is at a similar level to Capt. Renault's.

I don't think he meant "shocked" as in, "I'm astounded that undergraduates would think to have sex in my office!"

I think he means "shocked" as in, "Ohmigod, there are naked people having sex in my office!"

I seriously doubt that anyone, no matter how blase, could walk in on two strangers having sex in an unexpected place and NOT be shocked. It's like Miss Manners once said, "There's no point in planning what one would say in that situation, because you will always blurt out, 'Hey, what are you doing?' when it's perfectly obvious exactly what they're doing."

[ralph]

Sorry, the sex in the office I get. When you're ready to go, who cares who's office it is? You're thinking about sex, not robbery -- you're thinking you probably won't get disturbed. But the outrage upon being discovered takes the cake! I love that. Aside from due concern about locks and papers, come clean: You've been laughing about this all day, right? I mean, let's face it. It is absolutely a perfect human moment from all points of view. :-)

[The Little Womedievalist]

This is why I never enter my office without a spiked flail in hand.

[Scott Eric Kaufman]

I certainly have, Ralph.

Spiked flail? Can I borrow it Friday? Just leave it next to the umbrellas.

[Homer Simpson]

Best blogpost ever....

[Pedro]

shocking! Cheesy varsity melodrama like the usual kawfmann scribblings ; and the comments feature the usual knowing cynicism-lite from the usual Biffs and Bunnies

[hugh jorgan]

Enough about the messy office already.......was she hot?

[RPM]

Did they return your swingline stapler?