Thursday, 24 November 2005

Anatomy of a Troll; or, Why Trolls Are Awesome Trolls are very smart people. Way more smart than you or I. How do I know that? They challenge stupid people like you and I to reveal our GRE scores so they can tell us how much higher theirs was. (Even though they admit elsewhere that they only have "decent GREs.") Or they challenge us to play chess because they are better than Garry Kasparov even though they sound more like Bobby Fischer. They demand you do your math but then admit that they don't know that much about math. But they can do it anyway because they are so smart. They write in elegant shorthand like T.S. Eliot and Ezra Pound and millions of functionally illiterate AOL subscribers. Only Trolls have brains so big they combine their awesome shorthand with "deep thoughts" about "important stuff." It doesn't matter if Trolls say "yr" or "bidness." They are not middle age wannabe Beats with drinking problems. They know what Modus Ponens is and you do not because they are smart and you are not. They post profound pictures instead of using words because their words would explode your stupid mind. (You should thank them for their kindness. It comes from years of reading Russell and other analytic philosophers you are too stupid to understand. Only geniuses would recycle the same manipulated images in every forum they entered because that is the best way to let people know how smart you are.) But what makes them super-geniuses is that when they say something really smart they preserve their brilliance in Google's prodigious cache. I copied a sentence from a comment The Homofascist Feminist Regime deleted and paste it into Google and see what I found! The same brilliant sentiment repeated in another context entirely. That's one thought I won't have to think but should remember because it is so smart. Look what else I found! The whole paragraph from which the earlier sentence was excerpted! Trolls love us so much they saturate the internet with their brilliance so Google is sure to catalog it. But that's not all! Trolls love to threaten other people with the same threat because it is super-effectively-threatening and they know that because they take hard classes in statistics. But they don't have to work very hard in them to succeed, and not just because they can't: "Sloth is one of my character faults, and the last few years I have been sucked deep into the soothing vortex of the Internet." Trolls only "suck deep" and "vent narcissitically" because they need more stuff to power their mega-minds and the more stuff they take in the more stuff they have to vent out. (Especially now that they are getting older.) So the reason Trolls are more awesome than you is that they are middle-aged drunks who repeat themselves and are not good at math and did not do good on their GREs and suck deep because they are sloths. Or maybe they are not awesome and the comments deleted...

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