Monday, 28 November 2005

My Morning: A Play in One Uncomfortable Act ME: Do do do do WHOA! HALF-NAKED COUPLE IN MY OFFICE: GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE! ME: What? HALF-NAKED FEMALE: DON'T YOU KNOCK? (putting shirt back on) ME: Before I come into my office? HALF-NAKED MALE: GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE! (buttoning pants) ME: (starting to enjoy this) I have a student coming in two minutes. Finish up. HALF-NAKED, BLUE-BALLED MALE: GO ALREADY! ME: (closes door, waits one minute, knocks) Are you decent? HALF-NAKED MALE: GO THE FUCK AWAY! THIS IS PRIVATE! WE'RE BUSY! ME: (holding the door half-open) I'm coming in. HALF-NAKED MALE: STOP HARASSING US YOU PERVERT OR I'LL REPORT YOU! ME: (still holding door) You'll report me for your having sex in my office? HALF-NAKED MALE: GO THE FUCK AWAY! ME: (still holding door) That's it. Put your clothes back on. You can't have sex in my office. HALF-NAKED MALE: DON'T YOU FUCKING DARE COME IN HERE! (my student walks up) MY STUDENT: What's going on? ME: (still holding door) Some people are trying to have sex in my office. I keep interrupting them. MY STUDENT: Are they really having sex in there? HALF-NAKED MALE: THIS IS SEXUAL HARASSMENT! ME: (props open door with rubber stop) They're trying. This continues for a couple more minutes. He shouts profanity, she starts crying, &c. About two minutes later the couple emerges and I get some nasty looks. Who am I to stop them from having sex in my office? UPDATE: For the record, I have been funny before. UPDATE II: Read this. It explains everything. UPDATE III: Don't read UPDATE II. Read this instead.

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