Saturday, 11 February 2006

My Day . . . Were It a John Hughes Film BLACK SCREEN MAIN TITLES Silence. A GRADUATE STUDENT APARTMENT in the morning. CATS dart around the apartment yowling. CAT #1 jumps on the bed and lands on stomach of SLEEPING MALE. CAT #2 follows. Both CATS yowl then run away. SLEEPING MALE throws legs off side of bed and into pajama bottoms. Stumbles into kitchen. CATS #1 - #4 enter kitchen. Violence ensues. As SCOTT ERIC KAUFMAN opens tin of catfood Psychedelic Furs "Pretty in Pink" plays. KAUFMAN looks confused. KAUFMAN Am I in a John Hughes movie? Because it sounds like I'm in a John Hughes movie. CATS #1 - #4 emit hungry yowls and pop each other on the head. KAUFMAN Everyone must chill or no one eats. Are we chill? Are we? Alright. Sequence of exceedingly dull activities. KAUFMAN takes stupid thyroid replacement hormone and mumbles something about not being able to eat for an hour. KAUFMAN doesn't eat for an hour. Greets LITTLE WOMEDIEVALIST who he then drives to campus as The Smith's "There Is A Light and It Never Goes Out" plays on radio. KAUFMAN Is this really appropriate? Seems like bad taste to me. Screenwriter accuses KAUFMAN of ruining his movie with these asides. KAUFMAN flips screenwriter the bird. Screenwriter informs KAUFMAN that if KAUFMAN and LITTLE WOMEDIEVALIST want to survive this scene KAUFMAN ought to behave. KAUFMAN informs screenwriter of inavailability of DOUBLE DECKER BUS in Irvine. Screenwriter informs KAUFMAN of abundant availability of IDIOT IN SUV ON CELL PHONE. KAUFMAN demures to the tune of Chicago's "Walk Away." KAUFMAN returns home. Reads. Screenwriter falls asleep. KAUFMAN Fuck off already, will you? Winger's "Seventeen" ERUPTS from undiscoverable location in room. KAUFMAN covers ears to no avail. "Seventeen" fades and is replaced by version of Heart's "Alone" screenwriter commissioned Ann and Nancy Wilson to re-record with extra-long guitar solo. KAUFMAN writhes on floor as its blistering awesomeness pervades the room. CAT #1 blames CATS #2 - #4 for birth of Wilson sisters and attacks according. As music fades KAUFMAN cries uncle. KAUFMAN Uncle! KAUFMAN capitulates too easily. Screenwriter contemplates further tortures for him. Enter GARY GLITTER. His "A Little Boogie Woogie in the Back of My Mind" begins to play. KAUFMAN looks horrified. GLITTER teaches him a lesson he will not soon forget. DOORBELL rings. DOORBELL RING! RING! RING! KAUFMAN reaches for bookshelf and attempts to throw Ulysses at screenwriter. Screenwriter momentarily absents himself from scene. Returns. GARY GLITTER begins EPIC performance of "Another Rock and Roll Christmas." KAUFMAN rushes to door. Opens it. Accepts package from UPS MAN. UPS MAN More books? KAUFMAN You know me. UPS MAN Sign here. KAUFMAN Roger Wilco. UPS MAN We on for tomorrow? KAUFMAN You know me. Everyone laughs except screenwriter who curses KAUFMAN for his exciting life. Screenwriter would like to do something other than show KAUFMAN sitting on ass reading the rest of the day. Wait! Screenwriter can show KAUFMAN sitting around PLAYING ONLINE. Coldplay's . . . some mindnumbingly "brilliant" Coldplay song about stuff...
"Citational Difficulties," Mr. Willy Says/Suggests/Identifies/Avers . . . Mr. Willy speaks plainly: states: "Mr. Willy states 'Ms. Wilma is just jealous . . .'" says: "Mr. Willy says 'Ms. Wilma is a feminist now . . .'" shows: "Mr. Willy shows us pictures of Ms. Wilma in Tahiti . . ." states: "Mr. Willy states 'I don't know why Ms. Wilma soured on me . . .'" writes: "Mr. Willy writes 'I love Ms. Wilma' over and over again . . ." the colon: "Mr. Willy is forthright: 'I would take her back if she'd have me . . .'" conceives: "Mr. Willy conceives of time when he can forget her . . ." describes: "Mr. Willy describes Ms. Wilma as 'a fundamentalist' now . . ." calls: "Mr. Willy calls Ms. Wilma 'misguided' and 'likely a terrible mother . . .'" notes: "Mr. Willy notes his own retrograde ideas about woman . . ." demonstrates: "Mr. Willy demonstrates why feminism needed to happen . . ." indicates: "Mr. Willy indicates that he wished it hadn't . . ." Ms. Wilma intervenes: argue: "Ms. Wilma argues that Mr. Willy is more retrograde then he admits . . ." lists: "Ms. Wilma lists Mr. Willy's many faults . . ." contends: "Ms. Wilma contends Mr. Willy is Neanderthal . . ." asserts: "Ms. Wilma asserts Mr. Willy cheated on his qualifying exams . . ." interrogates: "Ms. Wilma interrogates the concept of 'intelligence' . . ." confronts: "Ms. Wilma confronts Mr. Willy's ignorance with wit and . . ." questions: "Ms. Wilma questions Mr. Willy's ability to dress himself . . ." dismisses: "Ms. Wilma dismisses as assinine Mr. Willy's claims . . ." declares: "Ms. Wilma declares them to be outrageous oversimplifications . . ." finds: "Ms. Wilma finds Mr. Willy's description of her assinine . . ." avers: "Ms. Wilma avers that she no longer know what she initially saw in him . . ." claims: "Ms. Wilma claims Mr. Willy has never cracked open a book . . ." questions: "Ms. Wilma questions the scope of Mr. Willy's intelligence . . ." maintains: "Ms. Wilma maintains it is quite limited . . ." points: "Ms. Wilma points to numerous examples of its deficiencies. . ." draws a: "Ms. Wilma draws a distinction between Mr. Willy and 'anything remotely modern . . ." complicates: "Ms. Wilma complicates ideas of heteronormativity . . ." Mr. Willy defines things: identifies: "Mr. Willy identifies the problem with Ms. Wilma . . ." refers: "Mr. Willy refers to Ms. Wilma's new lifestyle as 'trendy' . . . " calls: "Mr. Willy calls it 'fashionable lesbianism or . . ." defines: "What Mr. Willy defines as 'a conveniently academic alternative lifestyle' . . ." Ms. Wilma may be onto something: suggests: "Ms. Wilma suggests Mr. Willy homophobic comments . . ." intimates: "Ms. Wilma intimates Mr. Willy is an closeted homophobe . . ." imagines: "Ms. Wilma imagines Mr. Willy will never learn . . ." Mr. Willy has his limitations: admits:...

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