My Day . . . Were It a John Hughes Film

BLACK SCREEN

MAIN TITLES

Silence.  A GRADUATE STUDENT APARTMENT in the morning.  CATS dart around the apartment yowling.  CAT #1 jumps on the bed and lands on stomach of SLEEPING MALE.  CAT #2 follows.  Both CATS yowl then run away.  SLEEPING MALE throws legs off side of bed and into pajama bottoms.  Stumbles into kitchen.  CATS #1 - #4 enter kitchen.  Violence ensues.  As SCOTT ERIC KAUFMAN opens tin of catfood Psychedelic Furs "Pretty in Pink" plays.  KAUFMAN looks confused.

KAUFMAN

        Am I in a John Hughes movie?  Because it sounds
        like I'm in a John Hughes movie.

CATS #1 - #4 emit hungry yowls and pop each other on the head.

KAUFMAN

        Everyone must chill or no one eats.  Are we chill? 
        Are we?  Alright.

Sequence of exceedingly dull activities.  KAUFMAN takes stupid thyroid replacement hormone and mumbles something about not being able to eat for an hour. 

KAUFMAN doesn't eat for an hour. 

Greets LITTLE WOMEDIEVALIST who he then drives to campus as The Smith's "There Is A Light and It Never Goes Out" plays on radio.

KAUFMAN

        Is this really appropriate?  Seems like bad taste to me.

Screenwriter accuses KAUFMAN of ruining his movie with these asides.  KAUFMAN flips screenwriter the bird. 

Screenwriter informs KAUFMAN that if KAUFMAN and LITTLE WOMEDIEVALIST want to survive this scene KAUFMAN ought to behave.  KAUFMAN informs screenwriter of inavailability of DOUBLE DECKER BUS in Irvine.  Screenwriter informs KAUFMAN of abundant availability of IDIOT IN SUV ON CELL PHONE.  KAUFMAN demures to the tune of Chicago's "Walk Away."

KAUFMAN returns home.  Reads.  Screenwriter falls asleep.

KAUFMAN

        Fuck off already, will you?

Winger's "Seventeen" ERUPTS from undiscoverable location in room.  KAUFMAN covers ears to no avail.  "Seventeen" fades and is replaced by version of Heart's "Alone" screenwriter commissioned Ann and Nancy Wilson to re-record with extra-long guitar solo. 

KAUFMAN writhes on floor as its blistering awesomeness pervades the room.  CAT #1 blames CATS #2 - #4 for birth of Wilson sisters and attacks according.  As music fades KAUFMAN cries uncle.

KAUFMAN

        Uncle!

KAUFMAN capitulates too easily.  Screenwriter contemplates further tortures for him.  Enter GARY GLITTER.  His "A Little Boogie Woogie in the Back of My Mind" begins to play.  KAUFMAN looks horrified.  GLITTER teaches him a lesson he will not soon forget.  DOORBELL rings.

DOORBELL

        RING!  RING!  RING!

KAUFMAN reaches for bookshelf and attempts to throw Ulysses at screenwriter.  Screenwriter momentarily absents himself from scene.  Returns.  GARY GLITTER begins EPIC performance of "Another Rock and Roll Christmas."  KAUFMAN rushes to door.  Opens it.  Accepts package from UPS MAN. 

UPS MAN

        More books?

KAUFMAN

        You know me.

UPS MAN

        Sign here.

KAUFMAN

        Roger Wilco.

UPS MAN

        We on for tomorrow?

KAUFMAN

        You know me.

Everyone laughs except screenwriter who curses KAUFMAN for his exciting life.  Screenwriter would like to do something other than show KAUFMAN sitting on ass reading the rest of the day.  Wait!  Screenwriter can show KAUFMAN sitting around PLAYING ONLINE.  Coldplay's . . . some mindnumbingly "brilliant" Coldplay song about stuff not working out the way someone wanted it to or something plays.  Screenwriter falls asleep. 

KAUFMAN falls asleep. 

CATS #1 - #4 fall asleep. 

LITTLE WOMEDIEVALIST returns and falls asleep. 

YOU DEAR READER fall asleep. 

But not before you envision the potential this entry had before KAUFMAN wasted it by being boring.  Maybe KAUFMAN should have put a bomb in that box.  Or maybe UPS MAN should have been undercover FBI AGENT who suspected KAUFMAN of being drug trafficker. 

CAT #3 wakes up.  Yawns.  Looks at CAT #4.  Looks at KAUFMAN.  Turns in circle.  Kneads comforter.  Curls up and falls asleep. 

KAUFMAN gives up.

THE END

Comments

[Belle Lettre]

HILARIOUS!

Next you should do the an artsy auteur John Cassavetes version, or better yet, a bleakly incomprehensible Lars Von Trier version. Ooh, Terence Malick!

You know, Gary Glitter, he of Hey! fame, and pedophile infamy, has since relocated to Vietnam...where he has kept up his hobbies. He just settled with (bought out) two Vietnamese families to the tune of $2500 each. I don't know which is sadder, the devaluation of the Vietnamese dong or the low price of paying off pedophilia. I hated Gary Glitter before, but now it just feels like a "I join my people in protest" thing.

Anyway, no point to the above anecdote. but now John Hughes Scott Eric Kaufman can feel grossed out and dirty as the soundtrack to his day plays in the background.

[Dr. Virago]

Are you sure *Charlie* Kaufman wasn't involved in that somehow?

[Luke]

completely unauthentic.... after the afternoon nap, cats must again jump on male stomach... or have made the nap uncomfortable by sleeping on the legs or head.

R&R.

[Luther Blissett]

I hate myself for saying: it's "There is a Light That Never Goes Out." I know people who own pieces of Morrisey's clothing, like pieces of the True Cross. Just saying.

[Scott Eric Kaufman]

What can I say? I'm a product of the CD age. I listened to CDs in my car (when I had a car which worked and a CD player installed in it . . . so I mean 1999 or so) and pay more attention to the lyrics than the song titles (many of which I don't even know). However, I will say that the lyric to that song specifies "there is a light and it never goes out" emenates from his holiness's lips, which means I'm wrong . . . but in an understandable and not crazy in a Morrissey's-sweaty-t-shirt-is-my-Shroud-of-Turin kind of way.

[Luther Blissett]

Just playin'.

[Scott Eric Kaufman]

I know better than to cross Morrissey fans . . . esp. in Southern California, where they tend to be uber-masculine Mexicans. (I'm not kidding, either. I've seen, and to be frank, been very impressed by, The Sweet and Tender Hooligans.)