Thursday, 09 February 2006

Extract of a Letter, Written from Paris, containing an Account of fome Effects of the Transfufion of Bloud; and of two Monftrous Births, &c. From Philosophical Transactions (1666): In the Houfe of M. Bourdelots was fhew'd a Monfter in form of an Ape, having all over its fhoulders, almoft to his middle, a mafs of flefh, that came from the hinder part of its head, and hung down in form of a little Cloak. The report is, that the Woman that brought it forth, had feen on a Stage an Ape fo cloathed: The moft remarkable thing was, that the faid mafs of flefh was divided in four parts, correfpondent to the Coat, the Ape did carry. The Woman, upon inquiry, was found to have gone five months Child, before fhe had met with the acceident of that unhappy fight. Many questions were on this occafion agitated: viz. about the Power of Imagination; and whether this Creature was endow'd with a humane Soul; and if not, what became of the Soul of the Embryo, that was five months old. Back in the good ol' days literature mattered. Pregnant women with overactive imaginations would produce monstrous births resembling something they saw on stage at some point during the pregnancy. Not to mention those fellows had the whole abortion thing solved pat: Baby souls are either malleable or interstitial. If malleable, a woman could take in a play, transform her baby into something monstrous and demand her abomination be aborted. (Depending on the cast she may create something wholly unfit for human parturition. Her life would therefore depend on aborting the beast in her womb before it grew too large or abominable to be removed.) If baby souls are interstitial, then the thing being aborted is as human as a chicken or a cod and therefore not entitled to any special treatment. Unless the interstitial baby soul is some sort of loaner, in which case it would've been returned upon successful egression from the birth canal and is merely being returned early. They had it all figured out. Where did we go so terribly, terribly wrong?
My Day . . . Were It a John Hughes Film BLACK SCREEN MAIN TITLES Silence. A GRADUATE STUDENT APARTMENT in the morning. CATS dart around the apartment yowling. CAT #1 jumps on the bed and lands on stomach of SLEEPING MALE. CAT #2 follows. Both CATS yowl then run away. SLEEPING MALE throws legs off side of bed and into pajama bottoms. Stumbles into kitchen. CATS #1 - #4 enter kitchen. Violence ensues. As SCOTT ERIC KAUFMAN opens tin of catfood Psychedelic Furs "Pretty in Pink" plays. KAUFMAN looks confused. KAUFMAN Am I in a John Hughes movie? Because it sounds like I'm in a John Hughes movie. CATS #1 - #4 emit hungry yowls and pop each other on the head. KAUFMAN Everyone must chill or no one eats. Are we chill? Are we? Alright. Sequence of exceedingly dull activities. KAUFMAN takes stupid thyroid replacement hormone and mumbles something about not being able to eat for an hour. KAUFMAN doesn't eat for an hour. Greets LITTLE WOMEDIEVALIST who he then drives to campus as The Smith's "There Is A Light and It Never Goes Out" plays on radio. KAUFMAN Is this really appropriate? Seems like bad taste to me. Screenwriter accuses KAUFMAN of ruining his movie with these asides. KAUFMAN flips screenwriter the bird. Screenwriter informs KAUFMAN that if KAUFMAN and LITTLE WOMEDIEVALIST want to survive this scene KAUFMAN ought to behave. KAUFMAN informs screenwriter of inavailability of DOUBLE DECKER BUS in Irvine. Screenwriter informs KAUFMAN of abundant availability of IDIOT IN SUV ON CELL PHONE. KAUFMAN demures to the tune of Chicago's "Walk Away." KAUFMAN returns home. Reads. Screenwriter falls asleep. KAUFMAN Fuck off already, will you? Winger's "Seventeen" ERUPTS from undiscoverable location in room. KAUFMAN covers ears to no avail. "Seventeen" fades and is replaced by version of Heart's "Alone" screenwriter commissioned Ann and Nancy Wilson to re-record with extra-long guitar solo. KAUFMAN writhes on floor as its blistering awesomeness pervades the room. CAT #1 blames CATS #2 - #4 for birth of Wilson sisters and attacks according. As music fades KAUFMAN cries uncle. KAUFMAN Uncle! KAUFMAN capitulates too easily. Screenwriter contemplates further tortures for him. Enter GARY GLITTER. His "A Little Boogie Woogie in the Back of My Mind" begins to play. KAUFMAN looks horrified. GLITTER teaches him a lesson he will not soon forget. DOORBELL rings. DOORBELL RING! RING! RING! KAUFMAN reaches for bookshelf and attempts to throw Ulysses at screenwriter. Screenwriter momentarily absents himself from scene. Returns. GARY GLITTER begins EPIC performance of "Another Rock and Roll Christmas." KAUFMAN rushes to door. Opens it. Accepts package from UPS MAN. UPS MAN More books? KAUFMAN You know me. UPS MAN Sign here. KAUFMAN Roger Wilco. UPS MAN We on for tomorrow? KAUFMAN You know me. Everyone laughs except screenwriter who curses KAUFMAN for his exciting life. Screenwriter would like to do something other than show KAUFMAN sitting on ass reading the rest of the day. Wait! Screenwriter can show KAUFMAN sitting around PLAYING ONLINE. Coldplay's . . . some mindnumbingly "brilliant" Coldplay song about stuff...

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