A Dreamt Interview Which Reveals . . . That Scott Needs More Sleep

[What follows is an interview conducted by a belligerent Scot who mistook Your Humble Author for an authority of some sort.]

Q: Ah mean tae ask aboot "historicism" and whut its fir?

A:  That's an excellent question and one I'll answer in detail when I . . .

Q:  Ye answer now.  Ah've goat to git started on ma article.

A:  Alright I'll answer now.  Historicism is . . .

Q:  Fuckin right ye answer now. 

A:  I'm answering.

Q:  Ye answer to ma satisfaction or I fuck ye oop in ways ye cannae handle. 

A:  If you'll let me get a word in . . .

Q:  No fuckin hairm in tryin ye rank bastard.  Ye dinnae understand aboot what ah cud do to ye.

A:  What? 

Q:  Ye think yir mair than ye shud wi yir fancy jaykit n hair combed like as if yir . . .

A:  What is it to you how I comb my hair?

Q:  Ye dinnae wan what ah huv tae gie.

A:  Who are you anyway?

Q:  So yir gaunnae dress proper but find yir oan heid swelled wi wha ah've landed wi ma fists.

A:  I'm Batman.

Q:  Wha?

A:  Don't mess with me.  I'm Batman.

Q:  Yir no Batman.

A:  Ah'm Batman!

Q:  An ah'm Robin!

[At this point Scott wakes up.  He realizes he had another Batman dream.  Fearing he had yelled "I'm Batman!" in a Scottish accent he looks to his left to be sure The Little Womedievalist is still sound asleep.  She wasn't.  As he would later remember she had left at 5 A.M. for her UCLA seminar and therefore could not have heard him.  With relief he sits up . . . only to find three cats squat on the bed staring at him.  He can't be certain but he believes they heard him yell "Ah'm Batman!"  As he opens his mouth to ask if they'd heard him yell "Ah'm Batman!" he realizes people would think him insane if interrogated his cats.  Then he decided to blog about it because his lack of shame is compensated heartily by his desire to entertain.  He blames the G-d of his fathers for this.  Then he turns over and hopes against hope to dream he's Batman again . . . ]

Comments

[Josh]

Depending on the identity of the Scot, it could be a V for Vendetta dream. Or, I dunno, Animal Man.

[Belle Lettre]

That was HILARIOUS!

I once had a dream I was a screenwriter for Frasier, and wrote something so funny I laughed myself awake. Then I couldn't remember my brilliant writing and was crushed.

I can't believe that my only creative writing fantasy was commercial and about pretentious coffee-drinking psychiatrists. I mean, I once had fantasies of being like Flannery O'Connor, and I am reduced to this by own subconscious. What does that say about me?

You should get some more sleep if you can. I took the Bar Exam a week ago, and I still feel like I have a persistant case of mono--sleeping 12 hours a day, like a teenager. You've been through a week and a half of my three days of hell. Get some rest!

Or rather, Git soom slep, ye bloody nehrd! Or ahm goona beat the slep into ye!

[Adam Roberts]

I don't mean to be rude, but your Scots accent, Scot, is about as convincing as that of 'Scotty' Scot in the engine room of the Enterprise. I speak as a man who lived in Scotland for four years and still can't do a Scots accent to save my life.

Apart from that, brilliant. Or "brulliant".

On the related matter of Belle Lettriste's Frasier dream, and bad British accents, there's always Daphne. When Frasier first aired in the UK, Nancy Banks Smith (or, as I like to think of her, 'the divine Nancy Banks Smith, the funniest woman since Dorothy Parker') had this to say in her Guardian TV review of the show: "There is a character called Daphne, who is Frasier's father's physical therapist. She says she is from Manchester. She lies."

[Adam Roberts]

A PS on a related matter.

"Git soom slep, ye bloody nehrd! Or ahm goona beat the slep into ye!"

Slep? What is this, Middle English?

That's enough from me now. Or 'Thets enough from me, naow. Haow, naow, braown, caow.'

[Scott Eric Kaufman]

Josh, I hadn't even thought of that. I just re-read that earlier this week, and was marvelling at the Scottish accent in it. Damn. I think I owe you $75 now, or do I pay for the month and not session by session?

Adam, you can't pin that accent on me. I stole it from Irvine Welsh, transliteration and sentence structure and all. So if you have complaints, take it with him. Ha!

Belle, sleep is being had. I'm damn near normal again. (Except for the whole Batman thing.)

[Rich Puchalsky]

One of Iain Banks' best books, _The Bridge_, includes a vaguely Conanesque barbarian in an SF setting who speaks in a Scots accent.

At any rate, very funny.

Belle Lettre, you should be glad that you're still able to have dreams with writing in them. Whenever I dream about a mysterious book or something, I always try to read it. But my subconcious or whatever is unable to create convincing text fast enough for me to be able to read it. Therefore the dream always just cuts off at that point, with the accompanying knowledge that it has been a dream and that once again I've been unable to create a convincing dream-world. Quite annoying.

[Belle Lettre]

Adam,

"Thets enough from me, naow. Haow, naow, braown, caow."

That is one of the most beautiful things I've ever read.

"Slep"--I think I was channeling Ricky Ricardo more than Sir Gawain actually. I'm from Southern California--does that explain anything?

Worse still is that the only Irish accent most people hear is Lucky's from Lucky Charm commercials--you know, "They're magicaly delicious!"

[Adam Roberts]

I think it could run and run. "Buy som looky charums, ye bloody nehrd! Or ahm goona beat the slep into ye!"

Southern California, eh? So: Southern California, the land of sunshine and the beautiful people? Or Southern England, the land of grey rain, Prince Charles, Elton John and Ricky Gervais? A tough call.

[Ancrene Wiseass]

Oh, excellent. Just excellent.

[Ancrene Wiseass]

I wish to clarify that last comment. Your lack of sleep and general level of stress: not excellent. What your brain does with such unfortunate material: very excellent.

I plea my own lack of sleep as the reason behind my lack of clarity.