Hernandez Comment Up-Ends a Century of Feminist Progress

SAN DIEGO — Mets color commentator Keith Hernandez rolled back a century of feminist progress during the second inning of Saturday's victory over the San Diego Padres. 

"I won't say women belong in the kitchen," Hernandez said, "but they don't belong in the dugout." 

The words had hardly left his mouth before professional women across the country suddenly found themselves in the kitchen preparing steamed vegetables for Mike and Little Suzy.  "Dinner's ready!" said Rose Serels, former vice president of global securities services for Chase Manhattan Bank. 

Myrna Friedman, a former partner in the soon-to-be-renamed Arlington law firm Sargeant & Friedman, agreed.  "If you don't finish your string beans," said the former litigator for the US Navy Office of General Counsel, "you won't get any desset." 

Former Chief Information Officer for Bristol-Myers Squibb, Susan O'Day, declined our request for an interview on account that it was almost bathtime.   

The woman in the dugout, former Padres' massage therapist Kelly Calabrese, was digusted and would have said something if it was her place to. 

"If God had intended me to be heard," said the spitting image of Jennifer Aniston, "He wouldn't have made me so pretty.  Now what do you think of my new eyeliner?  Do you think Jim will like it?" 

But there are some women happy with the change.  Pulitzer Prize-winner and former Times columnist Maureen Dowd noted how it would be easier to find a suitable husband now that she was a suitable wife.  "Who could love someone who didn't spend at least three hours a week cutting the crust off peanut-butter and jelly sandwiches?" 

"All those years, I spent reading books and writing columns failed to land me a Prince Charming.  A few hours a day on my knees will change that."  She added, "Scrubbing toilets.  On my knees scrubbing toilets."

Others are not sure.  "Who does that guy think he is?" asked an irate former law professor who asked not to be identified for fear her husband would retaliate for her speaking when not spoken to.  "He was as graceful around the bag as any first baseman ever to play to sport.  I give him that.  But to turn back the clock on women's issues with a single sentence?  What right does he have to do that?"

He has every right, according to legal expert Tim Dwight.  "Women these days feel a real but entirely undeserved sense of entitlement."  He then asked "Did you hear the one about the woman and the computer?  No?  So what's the difference between a woman and a computer?  You only have to punch information into a computer once."

When reached for comment, Padres manager Bruce Bochy shrugged his shoulders and said "I didn't think gender was even an issue anymore." 

And now, thanks to Keith Hernandez, it isn't.   

Comments

[Mike S]

You know, I gotta hand it to Mr. Hernandez: he had the courage to say what's been on the minds of downtrodden husbands for quite some time.

I mean, it's really pretty simple. Men are strong, rational, and terrible with a spatula. Women are frail, semiotic, and decorative.

P.S. The odds are running 5-1 that this thread arouses more indignation than laughter.

[History Geek]

Flames..flames on the side of my face.

*gets out her broadsword*

[Scott Eric Kaufman]

I'm sorry, History Geek, but I'll need to see a note from your man before I let you brandish that broadsword. Them's the rules, unfortunately. The patriarchy and I just enforce 'em.

[UK plc]

Hahahahaha. Excellent post.

well, hernandez sure nuff made a grade A #1 ass of himself. especially the comparing her to morganna the boobs AFTER he found out she was a trainer.

i would guess if it was 1947 you would have heard
- hey - isn't that a COLORED over there in the brooklyn dugout? what is one of Them People doin there?? they shouldn't be allowed in the dugout

and i would guess the desk sergeant hear this when the first female cop got in a squad car.
and i would guess the head of the hospital heard it when the first woman doctor was hired

and it is time for mr hernandez to grow the **** up

baseball chick
(a actual housewife)

and now if you excuse me i gotta go get the kidsss up from their nap

[eM]

Leave it to Keith to take a shot at San Diego's attempt to make baseball a little less gay.

[History Geek]

Would a note from a random man I've threatened at sword point count?

[courtney baum]

It is amazing how one comment can ruffle up so many feathers. People swear we have surpassed old ways of gender, but still there are fallbacks to the traditional ways. The question is just because a male made a comment like that does it make sense to get all feminism on him? No it is a comment and women make comments all the time on mens stupidity, etc. I liked the style that Scott used in incorporating a daily "wife/mother" duty along with a respectful career. It was a smooth transition between points.

[T. Scrivener]

You know, what we need to do is set up a match. Scott's elvish sword of great antiquity v History geek's broadsword

[1ToughHeb]

He was on the money - at least with the MLB rules.