Monday, 29 May 2006

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How Do I Know Derrida Is Evil? or, What Really Happened to Thenosha Because back in '87 he decided that the best way to reform academia was to lead the Brotherhood of Evil Mutants. Sure he fought the good fight once or twice. But did he do so out of conviction? Pffft. He did so because he couldn't sorbonne America until he conquered Antartica and established a homeland for Theorists. After the Soamenals destroyed Thenosha his mental state deteriorated considerably. He would deconstruct his alarm clocks with the same indifferent aplomb with which he deconstructed his lovers. Eventually he awoke in a room with no meaning at the white heart center of a sun not unlike our own. Content with the divine deconstruction of hydrogen swirling around him, Jacqneto let his eyelids fall to better await the day of his fiery rebirth. Proof? What do you mean "proof"? Of course I have proof. See? So I'm sure y'all can do better than me in those bubbles or the origin story, if only because (to my knowledge) none of you have had to decide between pain-with-every-movement or the-intellection-of-the-average-comic-book-reader. (Lest any of y'all complain that I misunderestimate the intelligence of those who read comic books, I'm slagging the average reader of comic books. The fact that you read this blog proves you ain't average. I guarantee that you can't understand a damn word I write if you're not in at least the 51st percentile.) If you're only familiar with the older Derrida, I urge you to check out some photos from his dashing youth before you mock me for my Jacqneto.
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Under The Knife 2006 Vintage UTK By Will Carroll I’ll be honest. It’s been a good, long weekend and I have nothing for the intro. Powered by a 1994 Glenrothes Vintage, on to the injuries: Kerry Wood struck out everyone—including the peanut vendor and the visiting radio announcer—when he was in Peoria. "Unhittable," one scout told me. That same scout saw Mark Prior pitch on Monday night and struggled to find words. He sighed and groaned before finally saying something I can’t print here. "There was nothing right with him. No velocity (a max of 90). No command. No movement. No missed bats. No consistency—his stride was never the same and his arm was slow. If he wasn’t Mark Prior, I’d say he was at the right level. I have no idea what happened to him." Prior only went two innings before hitting his pitch count and now we’ll have to wait to see how he recovers. Not only did he show only a bit more velocity, but the absent control might be even more worrisome. Prior will have one more rehab start at Peoria, but at this stage, it might be time to think about slowing this down. One observer reminded me of another pitcher who lost it—Roy Halladay. It will be interesting to see if the Cubs can be as forward-looking as the Blue Jays once were. Looks like Acephalous got lucky. Scott Eric Kaufman's injuries are severe but not career-threatening, and he could be back in six weeks. Other bloggers have recovered from serious injuries more quickly, but no one will mistake Kaufman for a quick healer. One doctor I spoke to compared his injuries to those a football player might suffer if they had Kaufman's frame and were tackled by a 790 lbs. linebacker. "We see the same injuries, albeit not quite so severe, in young running backs who don't know how to take a tackle properly." Kaufman's been diagnosed with a hip pointer (a deep bone bruise of the pelvis caused by compressive forces), a left oblique strain (a tearing of the of the internal oblique muscles from the undersurface of his lower ribs), and a lower lumbar sprain (a detaching of ligaments in the lower back). He will return to the UCI Medical Center next week for another MRI and his first session with the physical trainer. Although rest is the only real cure for these types of injuries, I think Kaufman may be back sooner than anyone expects. UCI's doctors live on the bleeding edge of modern medicine. "They told me to sit on a ball," Kaufman told me. The big blow for the Phillies on Monday wasn’t another Ryan Howard bomb, it was losing Jon Lieber to the DL. Lieber pulled up covering first—and yes, there has been a major uptick in this type of injury this season—and left an inning later. The groin strain isn’t serious, but it's certainly enough to necessitate the DL move. With a history of elbow and back problems, the...

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