The Kaufman Associate Futuro-Karmic Advance Emergency System (Quiet/Unquiet/Expired)

Designed by the great-grandchildren of German V-2 engineers, the Kaufman Associate Futuro-Karmic Advanced Emergency System (Quiet/Unquiet/Expired), or K.A.F.K.A.E.S.Q.U.E., functions as a vital early warning system in the War Against Karmic Offensives committed by a previous incarnation of the current Scott Eric Kaufman.  Without the knowledge K.A.F.K.A.E.S.Q.U.E. provides, the odds of Kaufman walking away from the W.A.K.O. with even a hint of sanity would be slim. 

Appreciation of and gratitude for the K.A.F.K.A.E.S.Q.U.E. extends beyond Kaufman himself.  K.A.F.K.A.E.S.Q.U.E. red teleophones have been cunningly planted on the desks of all his W.A.K.O. allies.  His parents, his friends, his advisors—even a few of his old rabbis—are alerted the instant Karma launches an attack by a distinctive K.A.F.K.A.E.S.Q.U.E. ring.  They then hasten to Kaufman headquarters—a.k.a. "The Castle"—and learn of the latest W.A.K.O. event to mar Kaufman's otherwise humdrum existence and ponder over the offensives response for this karmic retribution.  Here's the scene last Friday:

Alert Level: Unquiet (almost Expired)

Executive Summary: Operative #1 (codename: "The Wife") estimates this latest misfortune was caused by the destruction of between an estimated 10 - 20 egregiously cute baby animals.  "I estimate a 78.36 percent chance that a P.S. [Past Scott] was a professional kitten strangler for a period of 8 or 9 months."  Operative #4 (codename: "Childhood Friend #2") disagrees.  He considers this incident "too animalistic to be a consequent for a human P.S." and insists that it stinks of "insecticidal rage."

[snip]

The debate itself raged on for hours.  In the end, no solid conclusions could be drawn, but everyone who needed to be alerted of the latest W.A.K.O. initiative heard the K.A.F.K.A.E.S.Q.U.E. word almost immediately after the incident occurred.  Everyone left satisfied.  Operative #219 (codename: "The Girl From That Time on the Bus in Seventh Grade") said it best:

"Thank God for the K.A.F.K.A.E.S.Q.U.E.  Otherwise we wouldn't have known what W.A.K.O. thing happened to Scott!"

[Ah, if only!  Below is what I originally wrote last night.  It may help make sense of what I've written above.  I'm slowly coming out of the loopiness and shock of nearing being killed.  I haven't thought about what would've happened had I not jumped but instead been knocked down and backed over for like 10 minutes before I wrote this sentence.  As noted in my comment below, I did watch a few hours of "The Dog Whisperer" marathon this morning, so I'm not sure I'm 100% mentally back yet.  But much, much closer than yesterday.]

So now that I've had three things happen that everyone I know should know about I've come to the conclusion that I need a listserv to catalogue my misery.  This isn't self pity speaking here either.  I'm being entirely pragmatic.  People become genuinely angry with me for not immediately informing them about some disastrous thing which has happened recently—be it "acquiring" cancer, having my academic career almost destroyed by horny undergraduates or being up-ended and temporarily debilitated by an indifferent driver.

So I'm going to start a listserv in which I embrace my divinely mandated emo-esque existence and whine to everyone simultaneously. Drop me a line if you'd like constant email updates of my improbable miseries.  Because I'm sure to be mauled by a moose any day now.  Do you really want to be the last to know?

[This post does indeed exceed your daily recommended allowance of self-pity.]

Comments

[Rich Puchalsky]

All right, there must be some way of cheering Scott up despite his run-ins with a hostile universe. How about this? Let's have a Job's Friend comment-box contest, with the winner for the worst "comforting" statement judged by general acclamation. This will both be nicely ironic *and* up Scott's blog hit count, which he can be sure to take comfort in even as his real-world misfortunes mount up. (My initial contest entry is the last sentence! How's that for parsimony? Plus the mention of "real-world" will probably pull in Craig.)

[Scott Eric Kaufman]

Not a bad idea. Contest + Irony + Hits = Happiness! (That's what I aimed for last night, but with little success.) I meant to rewrite this post with excessive irony before anyone commented on it, but alas, I woke up too late...and spent a little too long watching The Dog Whisperer marathon before booting up the computer. (I taught the Gladwell essay on Cesar Milan last week but had never watched the show. Plus, what better way to memorialize the servicemen who died for our country than to watch an incredibly successful, formerly illegal immigrant living the American dream?)

[Mom]

I think you should hold out for home baked warm cookies - if you want I could have some for you in about 8 hours - just a plane ride away.