Why Deaf Men Are Breast Men

[Two posts written while Typepad writhed: "Get Your Pretty Tired Act!" and "I Don't Speak Neanderthal, But . . ."]

Tonight I want to talk to you about staring at women's breasts.  I do it all the time.  I'll be standing there talking to a woman only to be stricken by the sudden and irresistible urge to stare at her breasts.  She'll register her discomfort by pulling her lapels close or yanking her plunging neckline chin-high.  Then she'll become intensely interested in objects in the general vicinity of her feet.  But I won't let that deter me.  I'll continue to stare at her breasts until she won't be able to take it anymore and informs me in tones of suppressed outrage that she had some important elsewhere to be fifteen minutes ago.  Then she'll never talk to me again.

Such is the experience of the deaf man in America today.  When the eyes of a hearing man break contact and wander south, the obvious conclusion is the correct one: he is staring at her breasts and she is justifiably uncomfortable.  When a deaf man who relies on verbal cues and lip-reading to converse lets his eyes drift south of his conversant's, he stops at her lips.  (You can tell because if he didn't—that is, if he actually stared at her breasts—he would have no clue how to answer whatever it is she would have said to him while he indulged in some "covert" sexism.) 

Why mention this in the one forum this commonplace of deaf life will never make anyone uncomfortable?  Because I've acquired another rude habit:

Talking to people while wearing headphones.  People who know me—for example, Pulitzer Prize-winning journalist Barry Siegel—won't bat an eye when I talk to them with my headphones on because they'll know that I'm reading their lips and not paying attention to the music.  They'll know that I'm so invested in the conversation that I've forgotten that I have the headphones on and have merely neglected to remove them.  But other people—for example, the inimitable Gay Talese—will look at me horrified as I chat with Barry without removing my headphones.  His eyes will rebel against the solipsistic impertinence of youth culture he detects in my actions. 

I register his discomfort but, blinded by reputation and desperately trying to impress him, I won't understand what it is I've said that so offends him.  I'll rifle my brain for the offensive statement the entire walk home and come up empty.  Only later that night, as I force myself to stop thinking about the events of the day, will I realize what I've done.  And then?

So much for sleep.

Comments

[Liz]

I can't believe you wore ear phones in front of Gay Talese. I can't believe I used a contraction in the same sentence with Gay Talese's name. Twice.

[Scott Eric Kaufman]

I know, I know, but fortunately I was carrying a bag full of puppies.

[N. Pepperell]

Maybe it's just me, but... ick...

[Scott Eric Kaufman]

N.P., c'mon now! It's a bag full of puppies!

[The Management]

Certain parts of this thread have been redacted to conform to U.S. Office on Family Values in Online Communications' (USOF VOC) Standards. Furthermore, The Management attempted to create a clever backronym but had only one cup of coffee so far, so it's sticking with USOF VOC. Thank you.

[ben wolfson]

My civil rights have been violated!

[The Management]

Take it up with The Managem . . . right, crap.

[Laura]

Scott, most women can tell the difference between an interlocutor looking at their tits and looking at their mouth. The mouth is on the face which is in a different position to the tits. Higher up on the body.

[Scott Eric Kaufman]

While I'm sure they can, that doesn't obviate the point that, since hitting puberty, I've had to deal with this on a regular basis. It may be because women are, rightly, sensitive about men who break eye contact and head south. I imagine it happens frequently enough, and that after a point, the annoyance is there whether the eyes drift that far south or only to lips.

That said, I can say that I know there's some problem, since it crops up on a regular basis, especially when I speak to a woman for the first time. I regularly make new female acquaintances extremely uncomfortable, and after I've explained that I was reading their lips, they laugh it off and inform me they thought my eyes had drifted farther south. In other words, while I'm sure women can discriminate, I'm not sure that in social situations which involve the introduction of a strange male who seemingly refuses to make eye contact, that they do. And, as I said, with the louse-to-human ratio being what it is, I'm not surprised.

[Matt]

If mens' crotches were on their chests, women would have the exact same problem.

And no, that didn't sound quite right. I meant to say, "straight or bi-sexual women." At least a three or four on the six-point scale, anyway.

[George]

Matt - bullshit.

Firstly, breasts are not eye-magnets. The 'compulsion' to stare is not unbeatable - I might suggest that it actually stems from a focus on that woman's fleshy assets as opposed to what she has to say for herself ... and this is something endemic to the male population as opposed to the female.

Secondly, do you really think that your willy is that attention-grabbing? Jesus.

[todd.]

I might suggest that it actually stems from a focus on that woman's fleshy assets as opposed to what she has to say for herself ...

Wait, staring at breasts stems from an interest in breasts? Dude, you're blowing my mind.

(Also, Scott, how excited are you to be the future number one google result for "fleshy assets"?)