CHAIN LETTER

MY NAME IS SUMMER.  I AM 15 YEARS OLD WITH BLONDE HAIR AND SCARY EYES.  I HAVE NO NOSE OR EARS I AM DEAD.  IF U DO NOT POST THIS ON YOUR BLOG AND SEND A TRACKBACK BAD WILL HAPPEN.  I WILL APPEAR AT YOUR BED WITH A KNIFE AND DENY U TENURE.  DEBBIE FROM MONTPELIER DID NOT POST THIS AND SHE GOT NO INTERVIEWS NOW SHE TEACHES COMPOSITION AT NORWICH AND HAS A LONG COMMUTE.  VINCENT FROM LONG ISLAND POSTED IT BUT FORGOT TO SEND A TRACKBACK AND I APPEARED AT HIS BED WITH A KNIFE BUT HE WAS MODERATING A PANEL AT A CONFERENCE IN WEST VIRGINIA SO I WAITED FOR A WHILE AND what?  Not right now.  No.  Amanda.  Amanda.  This is my chain letter.  Fine.  Go ahead and kill yourself again.  See if I care.  Now where was I?  That's right I STARED AT HIS BED WITH MY KNIFE AND STABBED HIS DOWN COMFORTER I LEFT A NOTE BLAMING IT ON THE CAT AND THE HIS INABILITY TO FOLLOW DIRECTIONS.  JESSICA FROM OREGON SHE UM UH CRAP One second.  Bill!  What happened to Jessica?  No, the other one.  From Oregon.  Two?  Really?  That's damn confusing.  NEVERMIND ABOUT JESSICA.  RACHEL FROM TOLEDO POSTED THIS AND SENT A TRACKBACK AND THEN SHE CLOSED HER BLOG BECAUSE SHE GOT 15 INTERVIEWS AT THE MLA AND HAS A TENURE-TRACK POSITION AT COLUMBIA SHE HAS NO TIME TO BLOG NOW and Jesus Christ Amanda would you kindly shut the fuck up?  Nobody cares.  You and Brian were only going out for like a week.  You barely even knew him.  I know you wanted to spend the rest of your life with him.  Now you're stuck here with me and Bill.  Don't start—seriously, Amanda, I can't take another night of this crap.  Bill!  She's at it again.  No.  Why should I?  It's my chain letter.  Why can't the blubbery bitch write her own?  I called her a bitch 'cause she's being a bitch.  No I don't want to spend the rest of the evening dealing with this either.  Fine.  SO LISTEN AMANDA WANTS TO TELL U SOMETHING.  I BET MY TWO SCARY EYES IT'S ABOUT THIS GUY SHE MET AT PIANO CAMP HIS NAME WAS BRIAN AND IF I DON'T LET HER TELL YOU ABOUT HIM SHE'LL WAIL AND KEEN AND RATTLE HER CHAINS WHILE BILL AND I ARE WATCHING SURVIVOR SO HERE SHE IS:

HI EVERYONE!  LIKE SUMMER SAID I'M AMANDA.  WHAT'S YOUR NAME?  REALLY!!!  I KNEW SOMEONE WITH THAT NAME AND THEY WERE AWESOME!  SO YEAH I MET BRIAN IN FINGERING CLASS HA HA HA I KNOW WHAT YOUR THINKING BUT IT'S NOT LIKE THAT.  WE HAD THE BEST PHRASING THERE AND HE WAS HOT SO WE STARTED HANGING OUT AND THEN HE ASKED IF I WOULD GO WITH HIM AND I SAID YES.  SO YEAH THEN THIS WHORE JESSICA WHO HATED ME BECAUSE SHE WASN'T PRETTY AND HAD TO WEAR THESE RETAINERS WHICH LIKE TRAPPED HALITOSIS AND MULTIPLIED IT BY HUNDREDS and that is too like so relevent.  Shut up!  I'm telling my story now.  Stop look at me like that.  Quit it.  I'm ignoring you.  OK SO YEAH JESSICA PUT OUT LIKE BEFORE THE FIRST DATE REALLY LIKE HAND JOBS IN THE CAR IN HER OWN DRIVEWAY I HEARD AND SO YEAH JESSICA HATED ME AND ONE DAY WHEN BRIAN AND I WERE GOING TOGETHER JESSICA ASKED HIM TO THE MOVIES BEHIND MY BACK.  Seriously Summer quit it or I'll tell Bill.  Remember what he said the last time you used your scary eyes on me?  That's what I thought.  AND SO YEAH MY FRIEND CINDY TOLD ME ABOUT IT AND I FOLLOWED THEM THERE BUT THEY WEREN'T WATCHING THE MOVIE THE SLUT HAD HER HAND DOWN HIS PANTS AND HE WAS DOING THE OTHER FINGERING TO HER AND THEY LEFT LIKE HALF THROUGH THE MOVIE AND I FOLLOWED THEM.  THEY WERE LIKE THE PRONOUNIAL TWO BEASTS WITH TWO BACKS AND SO YEAH I CRIED AND LISTENED TO "OPEN ARMS" IT WAS OUR SONG ABOUT A MILLION TIMES and shut up!  Steve Perry is not.  I bet you are though.  Or what?  I'll tell Bill.  I don't care if Jeopardy is on.  I will.  Bill!  Bill!  I know what time it is but Hey!  Bill?  Over here.  Bill!  Fuck.  You are such a dork.  It's not like we don't have TIVO.  Fine.  Can I have "Parental Intervention" for $500, Bill.  What is "Summer's being a big dumb douche and sheh called Steve Perry a faggot and tell her to stop please"?  Ha!  AND SO YEAH LIKE I SAID I LISTENED OUR SONG LIKE AND that hurt you stupid cow.  Quit it.  SO I LIKE what are you doing?  Those are my favorite earrings?  Summer.  Put them back.  Summer.  Bitch!  I can't believe you did that.  Bill! 

AND SO YEAH LIKE AMANDA'S BUSY WITH THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL SO LET ME FINISH HER STORY FOR HER.  AND SO YEAH LIKE THE STUPID DYKE WAS SAD AND SO YEAH LIKE SHE DIDN'T GO TO ANY OF HER CLASSES AND SO YEAH LIKE A WEEK AFTER CAMP ENDED HER MOM CALLED THE CAMP AND ASKED WHERE SHE WAS AND SO YEAH LIKE THEY SAID THEY DIDN'T KNOW BECAUSE NOBODY NOTICED SHE WAS THERE SO HOW COULD THEY NOTICE SHE WAS GONE AND SO YEAH LIKE THEY LOOKED AND FOUND HER BODY IN THE CLOSET AND WHEN THE POLICE ASKED ABOUT THE SMELL THEY SAID THEY HADN'T NOTICED ANYTHING UNUSUAL BECAUSE SHE SMELLED LIKE THAT ANYWAY.  AND SO YEAH LIKE IF YOU DON'T POST HER LAME STORY ON YOUR BLOG AND LEAVE A TRACKBACK HERE HER VENGEFUL GHOST WILL COME KILL U ONCE IT FINISHES FISHING ITS EARRINGS OUT OF THE DISPOSAL.  AND SO YEAH LIKE I'D BE WORRIED CAUSE SHE MIGHT COME AND FINGER U TO DEATH.  BUT U BETTER POST MINE OR BAD WILL HAPPEN.  LIKE THIS GUY SCOTT IN IRVINE DIDN'T DO IT AND THE NEXT DAY HE GOT HIT BY A CAR . . .

Comments

[David R. Block]

Say beertender, I'll have what Scott's having. Just without the scary hallucinations, OK? Because I already did my "hit by a car" bit about 30 years ago. Dang, I'm getting old.

Thanks. A good old German dark beer, please. Yeah, I'll include it in my carb count.

Good explanation for what happened though. But what if you don't have a blog?

[The Little Womedievalist]

Heh... this is what happens when I read your blog, DH. I am now seeing little animated Twiggies (Twiggy-ies?) running across my wrapping-paper mappamundi...

[The Management]

Sorry about that. I decided to clean out my "Junk Mail" folder today and found about seventeen chain letters in there, all of which are represented, in part, above. I just thought I'd punch 'em up a bit with some ambiguous interlacing which calls into question whether the chain-letter-writers are Really Really dead or a dysfunctional scam family preying on the innocent while remaining, well, conventionally dysfunctional.

P.S. David, that'd be a vodka tonic on the rocks.

[David R. Block]

That's good. Or a Vodka Collins, but those things are too sweet for me any more.

[Jamie]

don't forget the lime in the vodka tonic. I SAID LIME NOT TWIST!! SHIT! BITCH. AND IF, IF I FIND ONE FUCKING SEED FLOATING IN MY CUP... If you don't tip your bartender the one you love will tell you you're an ugly cow and you will die an old maid. of the cow. that you are.

[courtney]

seeds floating in my drink would be the end of that night for I saw what happened to my friend when she was suprised by a seed in her drink. This one night my friend, who is a functioning alcoholic, go out and she orders her drink, as well, a vodic tonic and ends up choking on a seed while we are talking to a group of guys at the bar. This is the girl I love to go out with because she is gorgeous and we always meet tons of guys when we go out together and she ends up choking with her drink spilling out of her mouth, her face turning red, and then a seed spitting out of her mouth. HORRIBLE experience and now her drink is no longer the amazing vodic tonic.

[Rebecca]

wow that was like a confuseing story it would like just switch but it was cool!!

[john_m_burt]

My sweetie sent me a link to this post when it was first posted but that was while nursing school was still in session so I didn't read it until today and...

Damn, that chain-letter-writing syntax is infectious!

I personally dont like it because of all the bad mouth language, and i also really dont understand it that much. It is very confusing.bla bla bla bla

[Katie]

BLAH BLAH BLAH IT WAS BAD BLAH BLAH BLAH IT IS TOO VOLGUR BLAH Blah BLah

[Kacey Pennington]

this was very bad and confusing at the same time. but my friend really had an interesting feeling about this chain letter and she thought it was interesting her name was.............. ANNA ANNA ANNA ANNA ANNA ANNA

[cryoutoudforever]

this is like so lame. my little sister wrote a scarier chain letter and it consisted of scribles. i need gore for my myspace. i need viruses. i need death literaly. i mean this life sux like so bad. you know i have terible luck. i could go and jump off a 100 story building and the worst that would happen is that i breack a leg. maybe if i stop wishing to die. hey get off. sorry. that was my little sister typing. well i was going to write. this is like such a lame chain letter. my little sister could write a better one. i need something gory for my myspace blog. i need death. literaly. i could jump off a thousand storie building and the worst that would happen is that i breack an arm or a leg. it realy sux. im gona push that bastard off the balcony i swear.

[Scott Eric Kaufman]

For some reason, I find the continued commenting on this post extremely gratifying. Everyone should regularly comment on things buried deep in my archives. (Especially if said comments are as juvenile as the mindset I mocked in the post.)

[cynthia]

i didn't get a crap of that conversation!!