Thursday, 01 June 2006

NEXT POST
Contrary to Popular Belief, Good People Still Exist [I've spent most of my day grading and doing my best Timothy Burke. Check that first link if you want to see Holbo pull out a can of "whip your ass" on me. Sorry. Can't resist the urge to mock Canadians.] Tonight I put away the snark in order to write about simple human goodness. That's right. I said it: Sometimes the world isn't a cruel place. Earlier this evening I returned to the scene of the pain to purchase a salad. (I've been told to walk around for at least 30 minutes a day to stretch out all the tight and torn little muscles in my back.) I hadn't even considered that walking through that parking lot would be existential torture until the Little Womedievalist said it was gutsy of me to traverse it again so soon. And I was gutsy . . . if by "gutsy" you mean "limped through the median's ground-hugging shrubbery." So I purchased some salad and was hacking my way back through the lot when the owner of the liquor store beckoned me: Mike: Dude! What are you doing? Scott: Heading home. Mike: I see that. What's with the gimping? Scott: I got hit by a car. Mike: Fuck! That was you? At which point I exited the medial jungle and looked to my left, then to my right, then both ways, then both ways again, then limped across the lot to talk to him. Turns out the police are on the case. They've collected credit card receipts from all the stores in the complex stamped between 7:50 and 8:20 p.m. last Friday night. Apparently, they're taking this possible felony hit-and-run seriously. (When I talked to them all I was told is that they were "still investigating.") I don't know what they're doing with those receipts, but I hold out hope that they're forwarding them to Vincent D'Onofrio, who will then enter the names of the credit card owners into a DMV database and determine which of them own Honda Civics. Then he'll put 'em in the box. After a few moments of professional grilling, they'll break down. If only. In the real world, I'm thankful that Mike expressed real sympathy for my plight. How do I know he did? Because he gave me a bottle of my favorite vodka gratis and a lift home. See what I mean? Sometimes the world isn't a cruel place. (cue Jimmy Stewart) Sometimes people are awful nice.
PREVIOUS POST
CHAIN LETTER MY NAME IS SUMMER. I AM 15 YEARS OLD WITH BLONDE HAIR AND SCARY EYES. I HAVE NO NOSE OR EARS I AM DEAD. IF U DO NOT POST THIS ON YOUR BLOG AND SEND A TRACKBACK BAD WILL HAPPEN. I WILL APPEAR AT YOUR BED WITH A KNIFE AND DENY U TENURE. DEBBIE FROM MONTPELIER DID NOT POST THIS AND SHE GOT NO INTERVIEWS NOW SHE TEACHES COMPOSITION AT NORWICH AND HAS A LONG COMMUTE. VINCENT FROM LONG ISLAND POSTED IT BUT FORGOT TO SEND A TRACKBACK AND I APPEARED AT HIS BED WITH A KNIFE BUT HE WAS MODERATING A PANEL AT A CONFERENCE IN WEST VIRGINIA SO I WAITED FOR A WHILE AND what? Not right now. No. Amanda. Amanda. This is my chain letter. Fine. Go ahead and kill yourself again. See if I care. Now where was I? That's right I STARED AT HIS BED WITH MY KNIFE AND STABBED HIS DOWN COMFORTER I LEFT A NOTE BLAMING IT ON THE CAT AND THE HIS INABILITY TO FOLLOW DIRECTIONS. JESSICA FROM OREGON SHE UM UH CRAP One second. Bill! What happened to Jessica? No, the other one. From Oregon. Two? Really? That's damn confusing. NEVERMIND ABOUT JESSICA. RACHEL FROM TOLEDO POSTED THIS AND SENT A TRACKBACK AND THEN SHE CLOSED HER BLOG BECAUSE SHE GOT 15 INTERVIEWS AT THE MLA AND HAS A TENURE-TRACK POSITION AT COLUMBIA SHE HAS NO TIME TO BLOG NOW and Jesus Christ Amanda would you kindly shut the fuck up? Nobody cares. You and Brian were only going out for like a week. You barely even knew him. I know you wanted to spend the rest of your life with him. Now you're stuck here with me and Bill. Don't start—seriously, Amanda, I can't take another night of this crap. Bill! She's at it again. No. Why should I? It's my chain letter. Why can't the blubbery bitch write her own? I called her a bitch 'cause she's being a bitch. No I don't want to spend the rest of the evening dealing with this either. Fine. SO LISTEN AMANDA WANTS TO TELL U SOMETHING. I BET MY TWO SCARY EYES IT'S ABOUT THIS GUY SHE MET AT PIANO CAMP HIS NAME WAS BRIAN AND IF I DON'T LET HER TELL YOU ABOUT HIM SHE'LL WAIL AND KEEN AND RATTLE HER CHAINS WHILE BILL AND I ARE WATCHING SURVIVOR SO HERE SHE IS: HI EVERYONE! LIKE SUMMER SAID I'M AMANDA. WHAT'S YOUR NAME? REALLY!!! I KNEW SOMEONE WITH THAT NAME AND THEY WERE AWESOME! SO YEAH I MET BRIAN IN FINGERING CLASS HA HA HA I KNOW WHAT YOUR THINKING BUT IT'S NOT LIKE THAT. WE HAD THE BEST PHRASING THERE AND HE WAS HOT SO WE STARTED HANGING OUT AND THEN HE ASKED IF I WOULD GO WITH HIM AND I SAID YES. SO YEAH THEN THIS WHORE JESSICA WHO HATED ME BECAUSE SHE WASN'T PRETTY AND HAD TO WEAR THESE RETAINERS WHICH LIKE TRAPPED HALITOSIS AND MULTIPLIED IT...

Become a Fan

Recent Comments