Saturday, 01 July 2006

Funny Books Threaten Local Sanity IRVINE – A package left on the front stoop of an Irvine apartment this morning had local residents fearing for their sanity. One of the occupants of the apartment characterized its contents as "four more funny books." "She likes to call them that," said the other occupant, who asked he be referred to as "Morning Person." "Morning Person? He wakes up early three mornings in a row and now he's 'Morning Person'?" said the other occupant, who then requested she be called "Smell Good." "Well, she does," Morning Person said. "Writes perfume reviews and everything. Always talking about 'notes' and having me stick my nose in ornate bottles. But she's completely off-base about the funny books." The funny books in question contained materials Smell Good considered inappropriate for intelligent adults to consume. "I walked in the room this morning and I saw a picture of Captain America," she said, referring to Marvel Comics' walking jingoism. "And he was standing over a dead body screaming 'Do you think this "A" [on his forehead] stands for France?' Seriously, I mean, seriously." Morning Person refused to recant. "Alright, Captain America said that, and my stomach turned too. But ten minutes later Hawkeye said he preferred to work alone because there was 'no showboating, no "you think this A stands for France," no overgrown kids getting in their battle armor drunk.'" "What does that even mean?" Smell Good replied. "I can't take it anymore. Yesterday he tied a towel around his neck and insisted I call him 'The Multitasker' because he had 'the power' to watch television and surf the web simultaneously." Local residents responded to the dispute stoically. "We know what goes on in there," a neighbor said. "Which is more than enough to know that we don't want to get involved."

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