WASHINGTON - Emails obtained by the Associated Press indicate that top Republican officials now believe that the margin of victory will be too high to rig the results. "A four or five percent margin, we can handle," said a GOP official from Connecticut. "But eight or higher? That's asking the implausible."
With Bush's approval ratings low and the war in Iraq unpopular, Republicans conceded that the Democrats would gain some seats in Congress, but secretly they believed some races would be close enough that the strategies which were so effective in recent elections could be used again.
"We did what we could ahead of time," said one key Kentucky Republican strategist. "Purged eligible voters from the rolls, neglected to process voter registration cards from Democratic GOTV drives, allocated fewer voting machines to predominantly Democratic districts. We even tried some new ones."
"I was up until 6 a.m. calling people on behalf on the Democratic Party," said a Republican campaign worker manning the phones in Tennessee. "Then my boss comes in and tells me to stop. Says now I'm supposed to tell people that they're registered in another state and will be arrested if they try to vote. Between you and me, I think I might dozed off a few times and sleep-trashed the Democrats."
Party officials believe such mistakes may have cost them the chance to throw the election. According to Guy Kenner, a Republican strategist in Virginia, "You can only disenfranchise and discourage so many eligible voters. In the last election, the GOP exceeded the number of voters they could drive from the polls by 13 percent. For some reason, people insist on voting this year."
The expected record number of voters stymied Republican plans to tamper with the elections after the fact. In Clermont County, Ohio, where optical scanners are used to tabulate the votes, officials stand beside boxes of white stickers, ready to cover Democratic votes and replace them with Republican. "We're ready. Soon as we hear from the RNCC, we'll start 'counting' the 'votes,'" said one poll worker.
He may have a long time to wait.
"You can see their confidence eroding. Even they're using scare quotes," said Orin Freeman, a poll observer in Clermont County during the 2002 election. His wife, Kathy, recalled that "in 2002, they were covering Kerry's name with stickers and filling in Bush's name before people even voted. From 11 a.m. on they were turning people away, telling they've already voted twice."
In nearby Warren County, plans to fake a terror threat on a county administration building have been all but called off. "Looks like we're actually going to have to count them this time," said a dejected GOP volunteer leading a vigil outside the building.
Correction: The original title of this article implied that Republicans didn't know the difference between "rigging" an election and "throwing" one. As this confusion has been imputed to the author of this article instead of its target, the title has been changed.
YOU STUPID, STUPID FUCKERS. THE NEXT TIME THEY ATTACK AMERICAN BLOOD WILL BE ON YOUR HANDS!
Posted by: Real American | Wednesday, 08 November 2006 at 02:09 AM
GOOD TO SEE YOU KNOW HOW TO USE CAPS LOCK!!!
Posted by: Timothy Scriven | Wednesday, 08 November 2006 at 02:52 AM
FUCK YOU!!!!!!! I HAVE KIDS DO YOU????? NO I DIDNT THINK SO. I FUCKING HATE DEMOCRATS!!!!!
Posted by: REAL AMERICAN | Wednesday, 08 November 2006 at 03:22 AM
At eighteen it would be rather foolish of me to have kids.
Posted by: Timothy Scriven | Wednesday, 08 November 2006 at 03:33 AM
So, unreal american, whose hands was the blood on the last time?
Posted by: dave heasman | Wednesday, 08 November 2006 at 04:16 AM
Is anyone else worried that "Real American" apparently does have kids? You don't kiss them with that mouth, do you?
Posted by: tomemos | Wednesday, 08 November 2006 at 05:11 AM
My very own political troll! How cute. Thanks for handling him for me. I fear his hangover's somewhat more vicious than the sort of happiness hangover I have, from which I'm feeling waves of residual joy this morning ...
Posted by: Scott Eric Kaufman | Wednesday, 08 November 2006 at 11:53 AM
Real American (Idiot),
Sadly, it probably won't be yours...
Posted by: Brian | Wednesday, 08 November 2006 at 12:07 PM
A good bit, very humerous and close to home. However, I think you mean "impossible" and not "implausible" (which means tending towards unbelief); and also, to "throw" something (i.e. to "throw a fight") means to purposely lose, so the Rebublicans would not have "thrown" the election in favor of themselves. What you mean is something like "rig" the election. I suggest you buy a dictionary.
Posted by: edwardpiercy | Wednesday, 08 November 2006 at 12:10 PM
Mr. Piercy, I have a dictionary and a sense of humor, but thank you for explaining my jokes.
Posted by: Scott Eric Kaufman | Wednesday, 08 November 2006 at 12:30 PM
How will you sleep knowing what the Dems will do in your name, you unfunny hypocrate. Edward Piercy's right, dipshit: get a dictionary.
Posted by: Red State Regular | Wednesday, 08 November 2006 at 01:46 PM
Glass houses, anyone?
P.S. Now I remember why I don't write about politics much.
Posted by: Scott Eric Kaufman | Wednesday, 08 November 2006 at 01:48 PM
It's so difficult to tell parody from wingnuttery these days. The guy who said you were a "hypocrate" and then told you to get a dictionary; a joke about the famous conservative Get a Brain! Morans sign, or an actual intellectually challenged person? Almost impossible to tell. (And in case it is an AICP, note that any comment on spelling in response to "get a dictionary" doesn't really count as a spelling flame.)
Posted by: Rich Puchalsky | Wednesday, 08 November 2006 at 02:02 PM
How will you sleep knowing what the Dems will do in your name
Wow, and here I thought reports of the death of Irony were grossly exaggerated...
Posted by: Brian | Wednesday, 08 November 2006 at 02:11 PM
Just so everyone knows, none of the shit in this "article" is true. Liberal media can't even win without slinging mud.
Posted by: Anodyne | Wednesday, 08 November 2006 at 03:00 PM
And telling us that the article isn't true! That's even harder to handicap, parody-wise. Humorlessness vs humorous pretended humorlessness is a really difficult call.
Posted by: Rich Puchalsky | Wednesday, 08 November 2006 at 03:13 PM
What about cluelessness vs. pretend cluelessness?
Posted by: Brian | Wednesday, 08 November 2006 at 03:23 PM
I know there are some thoughtful conservatives out there, but it seems someone's posted a link to here someplace none of them frequent. Because Jesus is this lot ever stupid ...
Posted by: Scott Eric Kaufman | Wednesday, 08 November 2006 at 03:58 PM
Real American: Why don't you do us all a favor and try to win yourself a Darwin Award.
Posted by: dilireus | Wednesday, 08 November 2006 at 04:41 PM
I will repeat this: It is a shame that republicans now think it more important to be republican, than American.
I hear a fat lady singing.
Posted by: Salmineo | Wednesday, 08 November 2006 at 05:40 PM