Monday, 09 April 2007

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Classic Acephalous: Sadly, All Too Relevant Still Acephalous's Index Minimum number of deities Scott Eric Kaufman cursed for failing to assist him in the completion of sentences today: 43 Number of sentences Kaufman completed: 8 Estimated number of calories burned in the Kaufman household dissertating: 1800 Percentage of which comes from cheese: 75 Number of days since May 2001 Kaufman has not worked on his dissertation: 16 Number of days he has not thought about it: 0 Chance that someone arrives at Acephalous via a Google search with the word "sex" in it: 1 in 2 Chance that someone arrives at Acephalous via a Google search for "Scott is the best person ever": 1 in 23,792 Estimated percentage of students Kaufman believes do all the reading: 80 Actual percentage of students who do all the reading: 3 Portion of this "Index" which is self indulgent and solipsistic: 3/4 Average number of CFPs Kaufman receives every week: 70 Percentage of CFPs Kaufman could respond to without everyone pointing at him and calling him a liar: 1 Chance that a former student thinks Kaufman is "rude and overly critical": 1 in 9 Percentage of students who do who refuse to edit their work ever: 100 Number of footnotes about Caesar's Column rewritten from scratch today: 7 Chance that it will be rewritten from scratch it again tomorrow: 1 in 3 Average amount of vodka in ounces required for Kaufman to forget about his chapter and enjoy a television show: 17 Percent change in evenings under the influence since 2000: +98 Number of times the author of the last article Kaufman read trumpeted the importance of his own work: 13 Number of sighs Kaufman exhaled while reading it: 189 Percentage of female occupants of Kaufman household who are evil: 50 Chance said evil female occupant weighs 20 lbs. and is covered in cat fur: 1 in 1 Estimated number of words Kaufman has deleted from his current chapter: 9,478,901,092,618 Projected number deleted by the time he files: ∞

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