How to Get into the Graduate Program of Your Dreams in Six Simple Steps

Based on a conversation today with a former student who got into three of the top schools in her field and was able to talk them into a bidding war that netted her two years of fellowship and four years of guaranteed teaching:

1. Read all the assigned material.
2. Read related material.
3. Discuss this material during office hours.
4. Work on the quality of your prose.
5. Learn how to edit for clarity.
6. Get a Masters degree from Cambridge.

Follow these six simple steps and you too can attend the graduate school of your dreams. 

Comments

[Sisyphus]

Gaaaaaaah!

Harumph.

I'm off to eat some beans and rice now. Or maybe ramen. (Must. Not. Go. On. Rampage!)

[SEK]

My sentiments exactly. Granted, this was arguably the most talented student I ever taught, but still, if I'd gone to Cambridge, maybe the Ivy bias would've worked in my favor. (That's assuming, of course, that I could've gotten into Cambridge ... which I couldn't've.)

[Sisyphus]

Yeah, and what type of people with what type of family bankroll get in to Cambridge ... like we need more of those people around in academia! Meanwhile, my student who worked her way through John Hancock and then here won't get in anywhere cause "here" isn't a name feeder school for grad school ... oh wait, this applies to me too ... how many profs have we hired who aren't ivy or oxbridge? ... sigh. I hope at least JHCC will have a spot for me.

[SEK]

For the record, this former student of mine's the daughter of Vietnamese immigrants and completely deserving. We should aim our envy at her talent, not her checkbook.*

*Which, of course, is all the more infuriating.**

**Not that I'm baiting her to comment or anything, mind you.

[Adam Roberts]

Which Cambridge? Or doesn't it matter?

[SEK]

The prestigious one?

[Karl Steel]

Which Cambridge? Or doesn't it matter?

I would guess that in the USA it doesn't matter which college.

[todd.]

I had heard rumors that in some fields "guaranteed teaching" is something people wanted, but I never really believed it. Wonders never cease.

[SEK]

C'mon, todd., we all want money, n'est ce pas?

[Rich Puchalsky]

In most of the physical sciences, grad students get all the teaching they want. It's guaranteed research stipends (i.e., they pay you to work on your dissertation) that are more valued.

[todd.]

Yeah, what Rich said. One of my friends in chemistry even got a $5,000 "signing bonus." Which really is just silly.

(I should say that this person was not at UCI.)

[Nate]

If you're taking requests you should write a corresponding post on how to get jobs after grad school.

[SEK]

I'd need someone to write that one for me, Nate.

[Robert]

I agree on the 1st and 5th step but I will just get my graduate degree online. I'm planning to take film studies graduate programs at Columbus,OH
Columbus College of Art & Design.