How to Win Your Way into the Heart (and Pants) of a Hot & Horny Budding Intellectual: An (Annotated Version of an) Email (Found on Facebook)

(Not being the second part in the Acephalous series Helpful Tips for Stupid Husbands.)

I hope you this email finds you well. Are you having a nice Saturday? Doing any light reading?

Translation: Mine is heavy because I am deep.

I haven't done much today except for an awesome workout at the RSF this afternoon.

Translation: My hard body is only getting harder.

I didn't go to any parties last night after all, but mostly hung around with myself.

Translation: Hanging around with myself is the favorite activity of people who know me.

I'll probably study for awhile after I finish further introducing myself to you. Right now I'm listening to the Beastie Boys new instrumental album, The Mix-Up. It really Rocks.

Translation: I am old school and German.

I also just bought the new They Might Be Giants CD, The Else. I'll listen to that one later.

Translation: Do not let my getting-harder-every-day hard body deceive you: I am indie.

I had a nice time talking at you last night at dinner, over pizza, with a Coke. I thought I'd send you a quick email since I'm in a reflective mood right now.

Translation: I just finished whacking it.

I think I mentioned yesterday how much fun it looked like you had creating your MySpace profile.

Translation: You are creative on the internet and I hope in bed too.

Since I don't have one to share I guess I'll create one for you in this email, so you can learn a little bit about me. I hope you appreciate the effort I'm putting into this for you.

Translation: I think you are special so please love me.

I'll start off with 10 quick weird habits/random facts about myself because that is what people on MySpace do.

1. I consider myself to be an extremely private person. I guard my privacy. I rarely talk about myself anymore and I've stopped giving interviews. I prefer listening to other people.

Translation: Don't let this revealing email I sent on the heels of our two minute-long conversation give you the wrong idea.  Just because I asked around, learned your name, then found your MySpace page and am now bearing what I foolishly believe to be the most charming parts of my soul fool you: I am a private person.  I'll only share the video of our first time making love with my fifteen closest friends. 

2. My favorite genre of music is Rock, especially the Alternative from the early 90's, which I think is better and more Creative and awesome than the Rock from the late 60's.

Translation: I sometimes suffer Fits of Being the German, but I am not a Person who likes the Scorpions, for while they are a Rock Band with their Guitars Soloing, they are not of the Alternative Movement which is the Movement of Music which pleases me mostly.

3. I once hung out at the pool at the Beverly Hilton with the comedian Rodney Dangerfield, who is now dead.

Translation: I spoke to dead famous people.  If for some reason your are not impressed, you should be.

4. I had a short and volatile "Hollywood-style" marriage with a woman you would find attractive if you were a bisexual.

Translation: My first wife left me but I am not bitter.  For every year we are divorced, her tits sag another inch while my hard-and-getting-harder hard body only makes the inevitable threesome all the more likely.

5. My first job after college was as a newspaper reporter.

Translation: I know how to misrepresent things, baby, I'm a former professional.

6. I dropped out of high school as a junior and took the GED. I transferred to Berkeley after two years of community college, all the while having to work and put myself through school. It was a tough time but I am a strong man for it.

Translation: I am naturally brilliant and worked my way up from nothing because I am naturally brilliant.

7. My closest friend for one year was Jill Stefani, Gwen Stefani's sister. I first heard Tragic Kingdom with Jill in April 1995, months before it came out. It already rocked then.

Translation: I once nailed a person who was on a video on MTV.

8. I once meditated for 8 hours straight for no particular reason. My longest telephone conversation with a friend lasted 9 hours.

Translation: I am so deep my depths take eight hours to plumb.  Relatedly, nine hours of mere words cannot communicate my profundity.

9. I once played $6-$12 Limit Hold Em' Poker in a casino for 12 hours straight. I was stuck in the game and could not recover my money. I finally quit down -$1,500.

Translation: I will go down on you as long as it takes.

10. I pride myself on accepting other people for who they are, and in being generally loving and non-judgmental.

Translation: I mean "being generally loving" literally.

11. I am Pisces, and left-handed.

Translation: I am random, hear me roar.

12. My greatest fear is lonliness.

Translation: Why are we not already having sex?

Well, I'm from Fresno CA, in the Central Valley of California. My heritage is Mexican-American. I am 6'2 and 240 pounds (of pure muscle). You should have watched me worked the weights today as I was quite impressive.

Translation: Have I mentioned my hard-and-only-getting-harder hard body? 

General Interests are:

Food, especially Middle Eastern (Mediterranean) food. I also love Mexican food, especially anything made by my grandmother.

Translation: I am a lover of the exotic and my grandmother.

Gardening. I don't have my own land to garden at the moment, but I can't wait to grow my own fruit trees and vegetables. Avocadoes, Plums, Sunflowers, Chili's, Apricots, Oranges, Onions.

Translation: I believe restaurants grow on trees.

Music, especially David Bowie, Queen, Zeppelin, Sonic Youth, Nirvana, Hole and Courtney Love. Pavement, Public Enemy, They Might Be Giants, Blur, Beatles, and Soundgarden/Audiosalve.

My 10 favorite albums are:

1 Queen, A Night At The Opera

Translation: I understand the gays.

2. David Bowie, Lodger

Translation: I think the gays are awesome.

3. Nirvana, Nevermind

Translation: I'm a troubled soul in need of succor.

4 Pavement, Wowee Zowee

Translation: I don't know my head from my ass, or I would've written Slanted and Enchanted.

5. Beastie Boys, Licensed to Ill

Translation: Because  I am of the old school.

6. Hair, Original Broadway Cast

Translation: I like the gays' way of life, but I prefer my women naked.

7. Jimi Hendrix, Axis Bold as Love

Translation: I can tell my Indians from my Indians.

8. Mozart, Horn Concertos

Translation: Don't question my depths.

9. Hole, Live Through This

Translation: The woman in grunge matter too.

10. Rage Against The Machine, Evil Empire

Translation: Injustice angers me so much I am inspired to listen to music.

11. Brian Wilson, Smile

Translation: I can't count to ten.

Books: My academic interests cover a wide range of Philosophy, Religion, Business, and Ethnic Studies. I think most people would find my interests conflicting, but the reality is if you go deep enough you'll find the various disciplines begin to merge together as one.

Translation: Expect to see my magnum opus, The Seven Habits of Spiritual Brown Philosophers any day now.

My BA from UC Berkeley is in Philosophy. My main areas of interests are in contemporary Philosophy of Science, and Philosophy of Language. I am fascinated with the developments in these two fields over the course of the 20th century. Especially in seeing how philosophical fashions moved from Logical Positivism to Postmodernism.

Translation: I paid attention one day in my Intro to Philosophy course and it's gonna get me laid.

I think the most important book of philosophy I've ever read is Ludwig Wittgenstein's Philosophical Investigations. It is such a profound example of how language and its concepts shape reality. His writing style is very unique. He was one of the first to emphasize the importance of analysis.

Translation: He thought a lot, but he never hit it.  I'm gonna hit it.  With analysis.

I really enjoy some of the debates that have raged among Scientist and Philosophers of Science. My favorite books in this area are Thomas Kuhn's Structure of Scientific Revolutions and Paul Feyerabend's Against Method. These philosophers were both professors at Berkeley and have been great critics of science as striving to describe an objective truth about reality. They view science as a cultural art form, or social construction. I took both undergrad classes and grad level seminars at Berkeley from Elizabeth Lloyd, an evolutionary biologist. She was brilliant and wonderful. I am deeply interested these days in the Intelligent Design debate.

Translation: I can recognize a smart dame when I see one, and you are one, and hot to boot (and in them too).

I am also very interested in Christian Theology. I became somewhat spiritual a few years ago, after finishing my philosophy degree. I completed one year of graduate level work at the Graduate Theological Union in Berkeley. I studies Catholicism and spirituality. It was a wonderful time in my life. I studied with Jesuit seminarians, the liberal-left wing activist movement in the Catholic Church. I spent a year working with the homeless, poor and oppressed. I studied the writings of Thomas Aquinas and John of the Cross. I have a very broad and liberal theological belief system. I am mostly inspired by the Mystical aspects of Christianity, Islam, and Hinduism. I also like Carl Jung.

Translation: I am mystical with my skills.  There is more to life than sex.  There is also tantric sex.  Plumb my depths, baby, you know how much I want to plumb yours.

I am Mexican-American, Chicano-Indigenous by heritage. Richard Rodriguez has been an inspiring writer to me. His books Brown and The Education of Richard Rodriguez have inspired me. He is the editor of New American Media website—an alternative news media organization devoted to issues for various ethnic groups. My dream is to write a novel about a very fascinating Chicano icon whose story deserves to be told. If I get to know you better, I might tell you about it.

Translation: I believe "indigenous" describes a race, and on the news, which I watch all the time, because I am educated, they talk about "indigenous" people the world over.  I belong to the dominant race on the planet, sweetness.  Make love to me.  We can have beautiful indigenous children.

I also love Finance, and the markets. I am studying for level I of the CFA exam right now. The Chartered Financial Analyst designation is a very prestigious professional credential that will open many doors. I really like the quantitative aspect to finance theory. It's not that I'm greedy or need to wealthy. I'd like to work in Asset Management as an Analyst. I would also be happy just to work as part of Corporate Finance team doing Budgeting and Modeling. I will start an MS in Finance in the fall. I also love trading and the gambling aspect. My dream life includes Credit Spread trading of Options, Currencies,Commodities, and more poker tournaments.

Translation: Our indigenous children will never starve, because my depths are complemented by my shallows.    

I love movies: Star Wars is my favorite. I also like Empire Strikes Back, and Return of the Jedi, in that order. I also like Sylvester Stallone and the Rocky series. I like all movies about Sports. My favorite director is Woody Allen. My favorite actress is Jennifer Jason Leigh, I've seen all of her films. I especially like her in Dorothy Parker and the Vicious Circle which is a film I think you will love. Winona Ryder is a close second.

Translation: I am artsy, yet populist.  If you mourn Bergman, do so in my arms.  If you want to see Transformers, I will hold your popcorn.

Someone once asked me if I could change one thing about my life what would it be? I thought about for a second and my response hasn't changed today: I'd add beauty to it.

Translation: Indigenous beauty.

My ideal women is tall, with a wonderful smile. She is intuitive, sensitive, and can make deep and lasting connections with people. She understands how challenging it is to be a friend. Relationships are very important to her, as is family. She wants to know herself as deeply as possible and to see the big picture. She is mindful of her True Self and nonjudgmental of others because she cares about a person's humanity first before anything else.

Translation: When I think of your True Self, I go all German.  Work with me, baby, and our work will set you free.

Wow, I've written a lot. We can talk about more stuff like this, "the life struggle," later. I should go study or something right now. I want to give you my phone number. [XXX-XXX-XXXX]. If you want to call and invite me to Golden Gate Park tomorrow, that would be great! I'm not doing anything. If not, I'll see you sometime next week.

Translation: Call me and we can whack it together in the park.  If not, I'll approach you again next week.  Like a date.  Exactly like a date.

The above is a slightly altered version of an email someone posted on Facebook sometime.  I would be more specific, but I found it when I accidentally hit something which took me somewhere where I found this.  I also learned that UCI has its own chapter of "Freshmen Jews  who like to PARTY."  I neither wanted to learn that nor find this email.  I wanted to browse at Scott McLemee's virtual bookshelf.  Instead I find myself lamenting the imminent departure of A White Bear, who surely would've handled this material far better. 

I don't know why I felt the need to annotate it, except I like Adam, Ogged, and Ben, and I'm a "Bros before  Hos" kind of guy. 

Comments

[Chance]

While I'd be writing the guy off from sentence one, it's #8 (the eight-hour meditation and conversation bouts) that would make me vow never to contact that person in any way ever again.

[Ahistoricality]

Would it be too mundane to point out that, in addition to his other charms, the guy's innumerate? Neither of his lists of ten actually stop at ten....

[-G]

This was hilarious! Loved it, must have taken an eternity to write.

[Belle Lettre]

This is GENIUS and HILARIOUS--and almost exactly like an email I got from a couple of guys. I confess to writing like #11 (I am random, hear me roar), albeit as a matter of course and not in order to get intercourse.

You did a great job! Especially for a headless guy.

I'm a bros before hos kind of girl m'self.

[Adam Roberts]

I do believe you have written my favourite Acephalous post yet.

[JAKE]

[slams head against desk]

It's almost painful reading that. Such excrement could have only come from Facebook.

[Andrew R.]

Wow... Just... Wow. OTOH, you have to give this fellow credit in that he gives whatever young lady he's trying to charm ample warning signs to block his e-mail address and avoid him for the rest of her natural life. There are men who gradually let people know that they are pretentious, self-centered assholes, but do so over time in the manner of boiling a frog alive.

[Adam Kotsko]

It's unclear to me what I have to do with this post.

[SEK]

Unfogged dating threads.

[Loki]

The Scorpions are awesome. He was probably listening to "Send Me An Angel" while writing this.

[anna]

Why Berkeley? Is it particularly abominable in turning out pseudo-intellectual undergrads? (God knows I've taught enough of them... Wait, I just answered my own question.)

[ben wolfson]

It's still unclear to me what Adam has to do with the post.

[SEK]

ben, how many what-should-I-write-in-my-profile threads have there been on Unfogged? Where's Standpipe, I bet he'd know.

[ben wolfson]

Adam's not normally a target of those.

[SEK]

Target? No. Participant? Yes. Really, ben, I'm faux-advising people on how to date based on the single creepiest unsolicited email I've ever read. That's all. I'm not actually giving you dating advice. The above boils down to, well, "don't be Hitler, nobody loves Hitler."

[ben wolfson]

Yeah, but tons of people are participants, so why single out Adam?

[SEK]

Because I like him?

[tomemos]

I think you missed some important subtext in one of these:

"4. I had a short and volatile "Hollywood-style" marriage with a woman you would find attractive if you were a bisexual."

Translation: oh please oh please oh please

Also, Crooked Rain Crooked Rain is better than Slanted and Enchanted. RESPOND!

[SEK]

I have a soft spot -- a very soft spot -- for CR CR, but it's just not as interesting to me as SE. It's easily my third favorite Pavement album if you count Watery, Domestic as an album, my second if you don't. I just lacks the looseness of Gary Young's drums. CR CR is much more of a rock album than SE, and I liked that odd beast they were before they turned up the amps. Put another way: "Box Elder" and "Baptist Blacktick" vie for the title of Scott's Favorite Pavement song, which tells you a little about the song I like. CR CR's sloppy, but not tinny. It roars where it should jingle.

[alkau]

I have written this message three time and this will be my last. If it does not work right, you will be getting your inheritance soon then you think.
I really enjoyed reading this posting, but am being forced to say "you should be working, writing or reading, or spending time with the beautiful, lovely intelegent woman sharing your life!! I also need to say never, never let your sister meet this person or any one like him.