Thursday, 09 August 2007

How to Win Your Way into the Heart (and Pants) of a Hot & Horny Budding Intellectual: An (Annotated Version of an) Email (Found on Facebook) (Not being the second part in the Acephalous series Helpful Tips for Stupid Husbands.) I hope you this email finds you well. Are you having a nice Saturday? Doing any light reading? Translation: Mine is heavy because I am deep. I haven't done much today except for an awesome workout at the RSF this afternoon. Translation: My hard body is only getting harder. I didn't go to any parties last night after all, but mostly hung around with myself. Translation: Hanging around with myself is the favorite activity of people who know me. I'll probably study for awhile after I finish further introducing myself to you. Right now I'm listening to the Beastie Boys new instrumental album, The Mix-Up. It really Rocks. Translation: I am old school and German. I also just bought the new They Might Be Giants CD, The Else. I'll listen to that one later. Translation: Do not let my getting-harder-every-day hard body deceive you: I am indie. I had a nice time talking at you last night at dinner, over pizza, with a Coke. I thought I'd send you a quick email since I'm in a reflective mood right now. Translation: I just finished whacking it. I think I mentioned yesterday how much fun it looked like you had creating your MySpace profile. Translation: You are creative on the internet and I hope in bed too. Since I don't have one to share I guess I'll create one for you in this email, so you can learn a little bit about me. I hope you appreciate the effort I'm putting into this for you. Translation: I think you are special so please love me. I'll start off with 10 quick weird habits/random facts about myself because that is what people on MySpace do. 1. I consider myself to be an extremely private person. I guard my privacy. I rarely talk about myself anymore and I've stopped giving interviews. I prefer listening to other people. Translation: Don't let this revealing email I sent on the heels of our two minute-long conversation give you the wrong idea. Just because I asked around, learned your name, then found your MySpace page and am now bearing what I foolishly believe to be the most charming parts of my soul fool you: I am a private person. I'll only share the video of our first time making love with my fifteen closest friends. 2. My favorite genre of music is Rock, especially the Alternative from the early 90's, which I think is better and more Creative and awesome than the Rock from the late 60's. Translation: I sometimes suffer Fits of Being the German, but I am not a Person who likes the Scorpions, for while they are a Rock Band with their Guitars Soloing, they are not of the Alternative Movement which is the Movement of Music which pleases me mostly. 3. I once hung out at the pool at the Beverly Hilton with the comedian Rodney Dangerfield, who is...
BREAKING NEWS: South Carolina GOP Shakes Up Race Candidates' strategies shift as states scramble to have the first vote and the last word in presidential nominations. WASHINGTON — Campaigning for the 2008 presidential election started earlier than any year on record. And now it looks like voting could actually have already begun, as states continue to maneuver to be the earliest to hold nominating contests. An election calender that had finally appeared settled was jolted Thursday when South Carolina Republican Chairman Katon Dawson announced that he would move up the Republican primary from early September to tomorrow afternoon. Dawson's announcement triggered a provision in New Hampshire state law dictating that its primary must come at least seven days before any other. This means New Hampshire will now have to move its primary to no later than last Wednesday. Mark McKinnon, an advisor to GOP presidential contender Sen. John McCain of Arizona, expressed concern about forcing voters to trudge to the polls in the past. "It may be recent," McKinnon said, "but the past is still the past." "You don't even have a very good sense of what the issues were when you pick the nominee last week," he continued. "The news cycle spins so fast the average American can hardly remember what was important yesterday, much less last Wednesday." Kevin Drum, of the liberal blog Political Animal, believes this decision may spell the end of the line for Barack Obama. "Last Wednesday was when Obama delivered that disastrous foreign policy speech about invading Pakistan," he said. "People may not remember it now, but everyone was talking about it last week." The Chairman of the New Hampshire Democratic Party, Ray Buckley, agreed with Drum's assessment during a press conference announcing the winner of last Wednesday's Democratic primary, Dennis Kucinich. "My chief of staff told me to go to this high school to give a speech," Kucinich said, "but when I got there, the auditorium was empty." Ten minutes into his speech, Kucinich spotted an old voting booth in the corner. "So I did what I always do," he said. "I scribbled my name on the ballot and slipped it in the slot. As luck would have it, mine was the only write-in vote." Republican officials in New Hampshire have called a press conference for earlier this afternoon. Although there has been no official announcement on who won the Republican contest, both Sam Brownback and Ron Paul canceled scheduled events and are rumored to be arriving in Concord yesterday.

Become a Fan

Recent Comments