Assailed by the Miraculous

Three weeks ago Friday I went to the UCI Cashier's Office to settle two outstanding debts:

• Overdue Library Fine: $12.50
• Fall Student Fees: $2,640.00

I wrote the UC Regents a check, snaked through the Cashier's line and handed the check to the teller.  She smiled and chirped:

"Have a great weekend!"

So you can imagine my surprise when I went to register for the Fall Quarter and learned from the Registrar that I hadn't paid my Student Fees.  I walked over to the Cashier's Office.  I snaked through the Cashier's line.  I questioned the teller about the status of my account.

The teller pursed her lips at her monitor and asked me whether I paid my fees on time. 

I said I had. 

She asked whether I'd mailed them or handed them to a teller. 

I said I'd handed them to a teller.

She asked whether the check I'd written had been cashed. 

I said it had. 

She excused herself for a moment.

The teller had excused herself for more than a moment.  Much more.

I waited. 

Tapped my fingers.  Pulled my ear.  Fiddled with buttons. 

Ten minutes went by. 

I leaned over the partition.  Looked around.  Leaned back.  Tapped fingers. 

Ten more minutes passed. 

I huffed audibly.  Crossed my arms.  Scowled. 

That did the trick.  The teller returned and said:

"Did you pay a library fine the same day?"

I said that I had. 

"How much was it for?"

I said how much it was for.

"Because the library applied  all the funds you deposited that day to the overdue fee."

"They did?"

"They did."

"Why'd they do that?"

"They don't know."

"Will they undo it?"

"They said they'll try."

"They said they'll try to refund the $2,640 they applied to a $12.50 overdue fee?"

"That's what they said."

"Did they indicate whether they thought they'd be successful?"

"They didn't say."

"Did they say what I should do if they weren't successful?"

"They didn't say."

"But they did say they'd try to refund the $2,640 they applied to a $12.50 overdue fee?"

"That's what they said."

"Did they happen to tell say when they'd try to refund the $2,640 they applied to a $12.50 overdue fee?"

"They said because they assessed the fine last month the money's already been reallocated—"

"Can they allocate it back?"

"They said it's not that simple.  In the meantime, why don't you pay your student fees now and work out this situation with the library later?"

I looked at her as only a man without $2,640 in his wallet looks at a teller who assumes he does.  (For reference: a subtle variation of "You Must Be Fucking Kidding Me.")  I continued staring until she looked uncomfortable.

"If you pay your student fees now you can work out the library situation later."

I stared some more. 

"I'd be happy to help you process your student fees."

The staring evolved into glowering around the words "happy" and "help."  I was determined to remain mute until she presented cartoonish symptoms of discomfort.  I wanted to see the color rise to her face.  I wanted to watch an exaggerated tug of her collar.  I wanted to hear a gulp audible across the room.  I wanted to—

"Do you not have the money right now?  Because you can't register for courses until your fees are paid."

I wanted to leave the Cashier's Office without saying another word. 

I nodded and headed to the door.  At my retreating frame she yelled:

"Have a great weekend!"

"It's off to a wonderful start."

"You sure can say that again!"

"I'm sure you can."

"I sure can!"

Comments

[Ahistoricality]

$4,545?

Sounds like their calendar's broken.

[Susan Marie Groppi]

You know, in the future, when I try to explain to people why dealing with the administrative infrastructure at the University of California just left me tired all the damn time, I may just point people to this post. I never had any experiences exactly like this, or of -quite- this magnitude, but the feeling is oh-so-familiar.

[The Library]

I don't know what library system you're used to dealing with, buddy, but we do things a little bit different round here. Try getting your money back, and we'll send over some library goons to crack heads. Capish?

[Karl Steel]

Sounds like their calendar's broken.

Or just overeager.

"Open the 2nd Quarter Budget, HAL."

"I'm sorry, Scott, I can't do that."

[The Constructivist]

You know, I've been thinking the Mostly Harmless jinx was only a sports jinx, but lately I'm thinking it's something more...contagious. My car battery died twice yesterday, and the second time it took 2 hours before the AAA guy showed up. There was a mysterious "emergency" that took up University Police's attention during this time, so they couldn't help me. And of course in my misplaced confidence in "the authorities," I had the wonderful judgment to turn down 3 offers by friends and passers-by to just jump the damn car for me. Now you're blogging about the end of the world and I realize Mostly Harmless started as a WAAGNFNP tribute blog and I wonder what rough beast I've loosed on the world.

[todd.]

Do they not realize that all money is equivalent, and that they can pay you the money they owe you without actually finding the unique dollars they took from you, and then work out the rest in-house?

[The Brother]

You shouldn't roll over and die so quickly. I'd flex my social network muscle and demand satisfaction. You fire-phillic academic types oughta learn to use the fire in your belly more often. :-P

[Sophie]

I have to say, there'd at least be a "Let me talk to your supervisor RIGHT NOW" in there for me somewhere.

But this is the academic experience. We're so brutalized by fees and paperwork that we can't even muster up the proper can of whupass.

[Sue]

The Library has already "allocated" the funds. I wish. Where I work, the library doesn't get fine money. It's gets sent into the black hole known as the "general fund".

[edie]

Remember some of these lyrics from a very old hippie song......

In the year 3535
Ain't gonna need to tell the truth, tell no lies
Everything you think do and say
Is in the pill you took today

In the year 4545
You ain't gonna need your teeth won't need your eyes
You won't find a thing to chew
Nobody's gonna look at you

[alice kaufman]

Scott, How many times did I tell you to return all those library books! I knew you would run into trouble for keeping them so long. Your dad would not have left that line, he would have loudly asked to speak to someone who could not only explain this error, but could fix it NOW!!!! I know you have seen him at work and people tend to give him what he wants. So, if you need, I am sure he would love to solve this problem for you. If it goes on anymore tell us.

[SEK]

I returned all those books, Ma. They're hounding me. Also, I'm a big boy, and can take care of my own messes. (Not that I don't appreciate the offer, mind you.)

[Nate]

Rich:
I hereby threaten you. Consider yourself threatened. And you better take this seriously, because I am crazy. A nut, even.
Yours sincerely,
Nate

ps- Scott, holy crap this is a ridiculous situation and I hope it's all resolved now.

[Jennifer Lynn Jordan]

(has panic attack just reading about this)