The Future of Advertising

I have seen it. 

It is not pretty.

(See for yourself.)

I was pointed to the article by John McNally, the editor of a collection of essays entitled When I Was a Loser.  One of those essays—Will Clarke's "How to Kill a Boy Nobody Likes"—contains naughty words (from the mouths of teenagers!) and sexual thoughts (in the minds teenagers!), which led some Rhode Island parents (of teenagers!) to complain that it was inappropriate (for teenagers!). 

Do you know what else is inappropriate (for teenagers!)?  The careers advertised in the Most Intrusive Banner Ever (from left to right):

• High-Class Prostitute
• Closeted Republican
• Phone-Sex Worker
• Surprised
• Chef
• African-American
• High-Class African-American Prostitute
• Wok Technician
• Future Tentacle-Porn Aficionado
• Karate Hero
• High-Class Madame
• Unemployed African-American "Looking for Jobs" to Please Unemployment Officer
• Drunk
• Nurse's Assistant's Assistant

Or do you mean to tell me the good readers of the Woonsocket Call want their children to "date" prostitutes and eat "food" prepared by chefs?  Wait—! 

I didn't mean to write that.  I don't even know where that came from.  (An educated guess: my [failed] attempt to peer into the closed minds of the Woonsocket Call's readers.)  I meant to write:

• Unemployed Aspiring Female Model
• Closeted Republican
• Unemployed Aspiring Female Model
• Unemployed Aspiring Female Model
• Unemployed Aspiring Male Model
• Unemployed Aspiring Male Model
• Unemployed Aspiring Male Model
• Unemployed Aspiring Male Model
• Unemployed Aspiring Female Model
• Unemployed Aspiring Female Model
• Unemployed Aspiring Female Model
• Unemployed Aspiring Male Model
• Unemployed Aspiring Female Model
• Unemployed Aspiring Female Model

If the Most Intrusive Banner Ever is any indication, positions will soon open up in the fields it implicitly advertises (stock photograph, graphic design, and web design), as the people currently occupying them are clearly incompetent. 

(I'd intended this post to be more high-minded in its mockery, but the phrase "Future Tentacle-Porn Aficionado" torpedoed those plans.)

Comments

[peter]

For me, the phrase "Future Tentacle-Porn Aficionado" makes the whole post worthwhile. Your Google referrals will probably skyrocket, too.

[Flowbear]

Do you think all the comments to this post will mention tentacle porn? I certainly can't imagine writing a comment to this post that doesn't mention tentacle porn at least twice. Three times, really.

Tentacle porn.

[SEK]

The more time it's mentioned, the higher my Google Rank for "tentacle porn" will rise. So yes, I think "tentacle porn" will become the "tentacle porn" of comments, i.e. all up in your porn with its tentacles. Those who speak ill of tentacle porn know neither its tentacles nor its pornography, because if they did, they would realize how tentacly pornographic tentacle porn is.

(Moreover: I'm interested to see the spam this'll attract now. It should be fun. [And annoying, but fun nonetheless.])

[OhIsee]

For some reason when you write "tentacle-porn aficionado" I think "KC Johnson."

[anon]

You'd have to beat out Wikipedia's erudite entry on the subject of tentacle porn, which could be tricky:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tentacle_rape

[Flowbear]

What's all this talk about a torn pentacle?

(Now you'll get some Wiccans, too! At long last, witches and tentacle porn aficionados have a common banner to fly, and that banner is Acephalous!)

I read that tentacle porn wiki entry, oddly (damningly?) enough, a couple of weeks ago. It links to this sort of horrible, sort of ingenious, ridiculously nsfw parody of tentacle porn, towards the bottom, called "The Lighter Side of Tentacle Hentai," which I don't... not... recommend to everyone in the world.

You know, not to get all philosophical, but if this blog were tentacle porn, I'd be one of the many raping tentacles. Just doin' my job. Minister of spoonerisms? Tentacle porn representation recommendation engineer?

I'm leaving now, I swear to god. By which I mean, I swear to the duotheistic embodiments of a life-force manifest in nature. By which I mean, I swear to tentacle porn. Which is the new god. All the kids are doing it.

[Sisyphus]

TENTACLE PORN ADDICTION!?!?!?! DETOX UNDER ANESTHESIA ---- MEDICALLY SAFE PROCEDURES!!!!

XXX 12-STEP TENTACLE PORN ADDICTION NETWORK XXX OVERCOME ADDICTIONS TO INTERNET TENTACLE PORN IN PRIVATE & SANITARY CONDITIONS!!!! XXX NO MONEY DOWN XXX 30-DAY MONEY BACK GUARANTEE!! XXX TENTACLE PORN ADDICTION HOTLINE 888-TENDRIL EXT XXX LVE. MESSAGE W CALLBACK NO. --- 12-STEP TENTACLE PORN ADDICTION NETWORK --- BECAUSE TENTACLE PORN IS FOR SUCKERS!

[JPool]

Sisyphus, that was fucking awesome.

Scott, I'm confused. So you think brackets are what go inside of parentheses now? That's not tentacle, man.

[eb]

Also revealing are the tabs at the top of the browser window in that image.

[nnyhav]

jpool: YM parententacle. HTH.

[JPool]

Nnyhav, thanks. That does help.
Scott, what are you talking about? These people are employed. They are employed by the Yoursoon Tobebroken Dreams Modeling Agency Ltd.
Sucka.

[nnyhav]

Afishianado.