Sunday, 31 August 2008

RE: "How to Remove a Ring Stuck on Your Finger," Oedipus. (I kid you not. For reasons unrelated to my turning in the Twain chapter and polishing my introduction, my right foot has swollen like you wouldn't believe. I barely believe it and it's mine. As I have no clue what to do besides RICE it, I thought I'd repost my other swelling-related adventure—don't you dare even think it—in the hopes my foot will resume its regularly-scheduled size shortly.) There you are on a Saturday night, futzing with your wedding ring because your wife thinks your trichotillomania makes you look mangy: off your left ring finger, onto your right pinkie; off your right pinkie, onto your left pinkie; off your left pinkie, onto your right ring finger; off your right ring finger, off your right ring finger, OFF YOUR RIGHT RING FINGER, non et cetera. You pull and you twist; you pull while twisting and you twist while pulling all to no avail. You look at your wife and you tell her, "I've misplaced my wedding band." She will look at you, j'accuse burning in her eyes, until you hold up your right hand. She will then enter the kitchen and return with the ingredients required to perform Step One: 1. Apply cold water and a little soap. Gently work the soap under the ring and twist. If the ring still does not come off, massage the area of the finger below the knuckle to remove some of the fluid from the finger. Wait a few minutes, then repeat. Continue until the finger is good and chafed. After fifteen minutes of repeated failure, your wife will walk back into the kitchen and return with the materials needed for Step Two: 2. Dry the chafed finger with hand towel, then apply the following in any order: water-based lubricants, oil-based lubricants, semi-solid fats, hydrogenated vegetable oils, as well as any lard, suet, ghee, tallow, or schmaltz you find lying around. As with the soap and water, work the slippery substance under the ring and twist and turn. Carefully slip a knife under the ring and try to slide it over the knuckle. If the ring-bearer cries in pain, ascertain whether its source is the ring jamming on the knuckle or the knife slicing into it. This too will fail. Your wife will walk back into the kitchen yet again. Take this opportunity to try to wash your hilariously lubed finger. The water-based lubricants will dissolve quickly, but the oil-based lubricants, semi-solid fats, suet, schmaltz, &c. will take some time. Expect to find an oily residue scumming the top of the bucket used in Step Three: 3. Thrust your hand into the bucket of ice water which your wife has brought in from the kitchen. Leave it in there until the ring-bearer screams. When he does, shoot him a look of unconcealed embarrassment with a hint of disappointment, then allow him to "tough" it out for another three minutes. Once he passes out, remove his hand from the bucket and check to see that...

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