A Modernist Lineup (Paraphrastically Heretical Brooksian Version)

(Because the number of people who will understand the references to modernism and baseball number in the high single digits.)

The prototypical leadoff hitter should radiate self-importance.  He has one job and one job only: to get on base.  He has one style and one style only: ostentatious scrappiness.  Leading off the for modernists is Ernest "Papa" Hemingway.

If our shortstop must be a Derek Jeter clone, I can think of no one better than Joseph "The Con" Conrad: criminally overrated and not nearly so versatile as his ardent supporters insists.  His once merely poor range has so deteriorated people point to where he is and exclaim: "There he will be!"  But if you need someone selfish to ground selflessly out to second, "The Con" will move the runner along.  Slot him in the #2 spot.

Ignoring the sage advice offered by The Book because it is only written in one language, our three-hole will be manned by the greatest hitter world literature has ever known.  This transplanted Irishman mashes from all sides of the plate.  One minute he counsels.  The next he does this.  He is the only player to hit for the cycle in seventeen languages.  Batting third and playing every position on the field (but mainly first): James "Stephen Hero" Joyce.

Batting fourth and patrolling left field to the pounding pulsation of his own alliterative drum is our other once-in-a-generation genius: Ezra Being Ezra!  (He''ll bat cleanup until it suits him otherwise then be traded to another nation.)

In the fifth slot is our "Three True Outcomes" specialist.  With him it's either French, English or Nonsense.  Remember this name because he will go on manning the hot corner for years to come: Samuel "Come In" Beckett!

Occupying our "second leadoff spot" and platooning at second are F. Scott and Zelda Fitzgerald.  (Whichever one is upright come gametime gets the start.)  Their range may be limited but they turn a mean double play.   

Virginia Woolf roams center field and bats seventh.  She covers more ground in a sentence than Willie Mays did in a day and makes it look so easy.

Framing pitches behind the plate is the incomparably erudite H.D.  She frames the plate so convincingly a generation of umpires have deferred to her strike zone.  Like most cerebral catchers, her own output suffers from a severe case of "analysis paralysis."

Our ace on the mound is mercurial southpaw T.S. Eliot.  Inscrutable but somehow effective, Eliot averages six brilliant innings before converting to Church of England and lulling teammates and opposition alike into a death-like sleep.

In sum:

Hemingway, rf
Conrad, ss
Joyce, 1b
Pound, lf
Beckett, 3b
The Fitzgeralds, 2b
Woolf, cf
H.D., c
Eliot, p

Comments

[tomemos]

Disrespect Conrad if you want, but it's criminal to put a modernist you don't like on your lineup just to make fun of him. This is an all-star team, man; we'll never beat the postmodernists (to whom Beckett might be traded, if the rumors are true) with a cake at SS. If you don't like Conrad, bench him and put in William Carlos Williams. No heavy-hitter, but a table-setter with quick hands, perfect for that spot in the lineup and the diamond.

[tomemos]

Oh, and how about Faulkner as the closer? Overpowering stuff, but not a lot of endurance in him.

[Jason B. Jones]

Wyndham Lewis is a perfect pinch hitter, capable of igniting the offense when it's lethargic.

And I'd nominate Lawrence as a backup SS, on the same criteria.

[VP]

I propose hiring Henry James as the manager. Old timer with lots of experience (think John McGraw) who can pass on a lot of wisdom to the younger kids. I have heard that his locker room speeches can go on for a bit too long, though...

[Adam Roberts]

You know what would make this better? Cricket. That's what.

[zunguzungu]

I see the new critics in the bullpen; if Eliot is the starter, then you need a whole bunch of one-dimensionally competent but essentially failed copies of him to take over once he gets all Anglican. Robert Penn Warren is a starter converted to long relief, Brooks is the closer, and Wimsatt and Beardsley are lefty one out guys. Empson is the wild man; the fans never forgave him after certain allegations of impropriety, but his pastoral pitch is heart-stopping.

[zunguzungu]

I see the new critics in the bullpen; if Eliot is the starter, then you need a whole bunch of one-dimensionally competent but essentially failed copies of him to take over once he gets all Anglican. Robert Penn Warren is a starter converted to long relief, Brooks is the closer, and Wimsatt and Beardsley are lefty one out guys. Empson is the wild man; the fans never forgave him after certain allegations of impropriety, but his pastoral pitch is heart-stopping.

[zunguzungu]

Of course, at a certain point in time, relief pitchers stopped being failed starters, and it became a professional position in its own right. I believe Derrida was the first dedicated relief pitcher, though some claim others preceded him. In any case, it's still tough to get in the hall as a relief pitcher; questions about his "abstrusity" kept Jacques off the first ballot.

[cp]

Counterpoint: Hemingway isn't scrappy, he's scruffy. He's a blue collar, lunchpail, guy. Always brings his lunch. Last of the gamers. He's like Erstad. Totally a college punter/ex hockey star. (God I miss Fire Joe Morgan.)

Modernists weren't scrappy, the real scrapmeisters were writing pulp science fiction.

[tomemos]

CP, I kind of thought the same thing. Hemingway doesn't seem light enough to make a good leadoff guy. You need someone more mercurial; Wyndham Lewis could play that role. Hemingway would be a great DH.

And yeah, FJM is sadly missed.

[Sisyphus]

Heh. This is funny. Also funny the large numbers of modernist-baseball fans here. Speaking of, wouldn't throwing in some cubists help with the geometry of it all? I should think Stein would work if you weren't up for an actual painter.

[Sisyphus]

Oh crap, I totally should have linked to your post about running quadratic equations in the backfield.

[Michael Bérubé]

Always with the Conrad/Jeter hating. It's getting tedious out here on the Internets, I tell ya.

Starting Beckett over Faulkner? When exactly is this game being played? Nineteen-whatever? Tomemos is right about those pomo rumors, and right about William "Doc" Williams, but why he thinks Faulkner can pitch is beyond me. He's a dead ringer for Wade Boggs, after all.

Btw, the thing that kept Derrida out of the HoF was his bizarre claim that both hitting and pitching are both iterable forms of "archehitting." Hard to know what to do with a reliever who sees his job as a mere supplement to the game.

[Ben Friedlander]

Look here:

http://www.flickr.com/photos/mongibeddu/320027902

and you can see Ezra Being Ezra playing close to the foul line.

He of course gets suspended for the remainder of the season after berating the umpire with a racial epithet.

[Scott Eric Kaufman]

Disrespect Conrad if you want, but it's criminal to put a modernist you don't like on your lineup just to make fun of him.

CR, er, AWP inserted Conrad in the lineup. I couldn't do anything about that.

Oh, and how about Faulkner as the closer? Overpowering stuff, but not a lot of endurance in him.

I see Faulkner as the folksy, Larry Bowa-type bench coach. He spins yarns about Teddy Ballgame's approach at the plate to try and convince Hart "The Rookie" Crane that he need not imitate every single one of his teammates' quirks.

Wyndham Lewis is a perfect pinch hitter, capable of igniting the offense when it's lethargic.

Yes, but would he be an igniter or would he be sticking a fork in one? You want a quirky hotfooting reliever, though, Lewis may be your guy. (Or he may start making love to the pitching machine. Never can tell.)

Robert Penn Warren is a starter converted to long relief, Brooks is the closer, and Wimsatt and Beardsley are lefty one out guys. Empson is the wild man; the fans never forgave him after certain allegations of impropriety, but his pastoral pitch is heart-stopping.

Penn Warren is no modernist. If Faulkner-Bowa is the bench coach, Penn Warren is the Single A coach on the hot seat. My own loyal devotion aside, I'm not a fan of the bombastic closers. (But I now love K-Rod. I now love K-Rod. I now love K-Rod.) Give me a workmanlike performance from Kenneth "Mariano" Burke . . . although that doesn't work, as Mariano has the cutter and the, um, cutter. Whereas Burke has as many grammars as Matsuzaka has Variations on the Theme of Curve.

Hemingway doesn't seem light enough to make a good leadoff guy.

Hemingway is more Pete Rose than Rickey! I admit, but I wouldn't mind either in the first slot. (So long as the latter stayed away from the slots.)

Starting Beckett over Faulkner?

Faulkner's a hard call to make. He's Julio Franco at this point: will you get the raw shortstop singing about soldier's pay? The solid third baseman who a flair for sound and fury? The MVP candidate of 1989, 1989! or the wealthy Mexican league cast off in that mansion? (That and I like him as my bench coach.)

[Mike S]

Where do we put Lawrence? Lanky and unkempt, so I'm thinking pitcher. Maybe middle relief?

[CR um AWP]

I suck for starting this and then disappearing into work work exhaustion and then work. Sorry SEK.