Monday, 23 March 2009

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GRADING! [Other installments of Sekocom, Inc. games include DISADVENTURE!, DISADDENDUM!, DISMORALIZED!, DISINSOMNIA!, WHARTON!, GRADING!, DISBELIEF! and DISCONVENTION!.] Copyright (c) 1980, 1982, 1983, 2009 Sekocom, Inc. All rights reserved. GRADING! is a registered trademark of Sekocom, Inc. Revision 28 / Serial number 8940728 West of Apartment Complex You are standing in an open field west of a white apartment complex, with a boarded front door. There is a small mailbox here. > go inside It is such a beautiful day out. Why not explore awhile? > go inside and grade You throw caution to the wind and amble aimlessly around fields bathing in inspirational pastels swaths that compel poets to compose poetry and— > kill kinkade Your inability to access the adumbral profundity of— > kill alliteration You are exploring a verdant meadow whose vertiginous pleasures verily— > stop crap poem go inside and grade You reluctantly return to the white apartment complex and— > damn right hippie And decide you would rather not grade so you— > hippie must grade now GO INSIDE So you begin to skip to the blessed beat of some auscultated thrum— > hippies made for dying Idle threats will do you no— > hippies good at dying I said— > inside and grade or else You enter the white apartment complex and begin to grade your students' final papers. The good ones are predictably good. The poor ones are predictably poor. The hours drag like sleds pulled by drunk slugs. You think you fall asleep when in fact that is what your student thinks language is. You grab a pen and— > JAB IN EYES JAB IN EYES You must grade or el— > JAB HARDER MAKE SELF DIE If these grades are not turned in by— > NO CARE WANT DEATH You try to ignore your responsibility to your students but— > NO BUTS BRING DEATH BRING DEATH BRING DEATH The grue devours you before you have a chance to scream. (Thanks to Joran Elias for reminding me how much I enjoy venting via text adventure.)
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I'm moving to the country. SEK sits at his desk working. THE NEIGHBOR exits her apartment to smoke a cigarette on her porch. SEK: (working quietly) THE NEIGHBOR: OH HAI HAD MANICURE TODAY WUZ AWESOME HAHAHA U NO WHEN U HAZ MANICURE AND LADY IZ LIKE ALL YOU HAVE NICE HANDS OR WHA-TEVAH? SEK: (quietly bangs head on desk) THE NEIGHBOR: WELL LADY IZ ALL LIKE THIS NOT HURT BUT OMG IT HURT LIKE U NOT NO FROM PAIN HAHAHA SO I WUZ LIKE HOW HARD IT IZ 2 B SEXY AND SHE WUZ LIKE AND U NEVER BELIEVE! SEK: (continues to bang head on desk) THE NEIGHBOR: AND I WUZ LIKE WHA-TEVAH HAHAHA U KNOW LIKE WHA—TEH—VAH. BUT I BE TOTALLY SEXY NOW HAHAHA SO LIKE IZ OK. O U HAZ TO GO WELL OK THEN BY! SEK: (to HIS WIFE) Do we still live in graduate housing? HIS WIFE: (groggily what with the hours of head-desking herself) I believe so. SEK: What department do you think she's in? THE NEIGHBOR: SO MY OTHER BFF HAHAHA HAD TO GO SO WE CAN TALK NOW GOOD SO U KNOW WHEN YOU GET A MANICURE 2 BE SEXY AND— SEK walks onto the porch and looks at THE NEIGHBOR. SEK: I hate to interrupt, but the sound just bounces off the stucco here, so do you think you could try to keep it down a little when you're talking on the porch? THE NEIGHBOR glowers at him. THE NEIGHBOR: Sure. SEK: Thank you. I appreciate that. SEK walks back inside. THE NEIGHBOR: U WILL NEVER BELIEVE WHAT JUST HAPPENED! O U HEARD THAT! I NO! I WUZ LIKE WHA—TEH—VAH HAHAHA BUT CAN U BELIEVE THAT THE NERVE LIKE HE IS SO IMPORTANT OR SOMETHING SO I WUZ WHERE? O I KNOW I WUZ LIKE GETTING MANICURE FOR 2 B SEXY HAHAHA WHEN LADY SAID O U HAZ DATE TONIGHT? OK I CALL OTHER BFF BY NOW! SEK and HIS WIFE is like no able to think u no what with u no HAHAHA and u shoot SEK and HIS WIFE now please b4 infection spread ok HAHAHA— (Possible solution?)

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