Saturday, 30 May 2009

After G.I. Joe decided to take him down, his decline was swift. By Tuesday, he was on the phone telling a stranger to "Choke on [his] . . . !" It was a quiet Sunday afternoon when I became an enemy of the state. I was doing laundry, as you do, and was carrying a load of towels up three flights of stairs when suddenly the landing turned all "GO JOE!" As I crushed Snake Eyes Eyes with my left foot and tumbled head first into a hamper of clean towels, I thought to myself, "If you're going to fall head first into something, you could do a lot worse than towels fresh from the dryer." My head was safe, but with his dying breath, that wee plastic Snake Eyes rolled over and took my ankle with him. I scream into clean laundry as my ankle pivots in ways God never intended. Knowing that I have to teach on Tuesday, on Monday I contact the people with the little carts and ask for a lift to class. "No problem," a helpful person tells me. "That's what we're here for," she says. She takes down some information and assures me we're all set. Someone will be at my place shortly before 7:00 a.m. to pick me up and take me class. Fast forward to Tuesday morning. SEK: (looking at his watch) I'm ten minutes early. Nothing can possibly go wrong. (ten minutes pass) Probably just running a little late. (five more minutes pass) Maybe I should call to check up. PERSON WHO ANSWERS THE PHONE: What? SEK: I'm calling about a ride to campus. Someone was supposed to pick me up so I could teach. (shuffling sounds can be heard) DIFFERENT PERSON: Can I help you with something? SEK: I'm calling about a ride to campus. Someone was supposed to pick me up so I could teach. DIFFERENT PERSON: Right. We can't do that. SEK: You can't do that? DIFFERENT PERSON: Right. We need a doctor's note and you didn't provide one. SEK: I'm seeing the doctor tomorrow. I can bring a note in afterwards. DIFFERENT PERSON: Right. That's not how it works here. SEK: So how am I supposed to get to class? DIFFERENT PERSON: You live on campus. Why not just walk? SEK: (rage) If I could walk, I wouldn't have requested your services. DIFFERENT PERSON: Right. We can't do that for you. (the shuffling sounds associated with hanging up a phone can be heard) SEK: (Rage) Better don't hang up on me. (more shuffling) How am I supposed to teach today if I can't get to class? DIFFERENT PERSON: Like I already said, you live on campus. Just walk. SEK: (RAGE) And like I already said, if I could fucking walk, I wouldn't have requested your fucking services. DIFFERENT PERSON: There's really no need to say "fuck," sir. SEK: CHOKE ON MY FUCK, ASSHOLE! The upside is that I solved one of life's little mysteries: every quarter I teach the Warren Ellis piece linked there, and every quarter I'm rebaffled by that expression. I'm baffled no more. But you know what the best part is? Guess what I...

Become a Fan

Recent Comments