Wednesday, 03 June 2009

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After G.I. Joe decided to take him down, his decline was swift. By Tuesday, he was on the phone telling a stranger to "Choke on [his] . . . !" It was a quiet Sunday afternoon when I became an enemy of the state. I was doing laundry, as you do, and was carrying a load of towels up three flights of stairs when suddenly the landing turned all "GO JOE!" As I crushed Snake Eyes Eyes with my left foot and tumbled head first into a hamper of clean towels, I thought to myself, "If you're going to fall head first into something, you could do a lot worse than towels fresh from the dryer." My head was safe, but with his dying breath, that wee plastic Snake Eyes rolled over and took my ankle with him. I scream into clean laundry as my ankle pivots in ways God never intended. Knowing that I have to teach on Tuesday, on Monday I contact the people with the little carts and ask for a lift to class. "No problem," a helpful person tells me. "That's what we're here for," she says. She takes down some information and assures me we're all set. Someone will be at my place shortly before 7:00 a.m. to pick me up and take me class. Fast forward to Tuesday morning. SEK: (looking at his watch) I'm ten minutes early. Nothing can possibly go wrong. (ten minutes pass) Probably just running a little late. (five more minutes pass) Maybe I should call to check up. PERSON WHO ANSWERS THE PHONE: What? SEK: I'm calling about a ride to campus. Someone was supposed to pick me up so I could teach. (shuffling sounds can be heard) DIFFERENT PERSON: Can I help you with something? SEK: I'm calling about a ride to campus. Someone was supposed to pick me up so I could teach. DIFFERENT PERSON: Right. We can't do that. SEK: You can't do that? DIFFERENT PERSON: Right. We need a doctor's note and you didn't provide one. SEK: I'm seeing the doctor tomorrow. I can bring a note in afterwards. DIFFERENT PERSON: Right. That's not how it works here. SEK: So how am I supposed to get to class? DIFFERENT PERSON: You live on campus. Why not just walk? SEK: (rage) If I could walk, I wouldn't have requested your services. DIFFERENT PERSON: Right. We can't do that for you. (the shuffling sounds associated with hanging up a phone can be heard) SEK: (Rage) Better don't hang up on me. (more shuffling) How am I supposed to teach today if I can't get to class? DIFFERENT PERSON: Like I already said, you live on campus. Just walk. SEK: (RAGE) And like I already said, if I could fucking walk, I wouldn't have requested your fucking services. DIFFERENT PERSON: There's really no need to say "fuck," sir. SEK: CHOKE ON MY FUCK, ASSHOLE! The upside is that I solved one of life's little mysteries: every quarter I teach the Warren Ellis piece linked there, and every quarter I'm rebaffled by that expression. I'm baffled no more. But you know what the best part is? Guess what I...

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