Wednesday, 24 March 2010

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John Nolte's outraged on behalf of topless women everywhere. It goes without saying that John Nolte will write something like this: Annually we are showered with Leftist films created by morally superior beings who lecture us on human rights, civil rights, feminism, lookism, racism and any other “ism” they can conceive, when in real life they’re the very worst in all of these departments. He honestly believes that because some people on the left are sexist or racist, everyone on the right is morally superior despite, you know, supporting policies designed to protect the interests of white males. In this case, his ire is raised by a New York Post article about the casting call for the fourth Pirates of the Caribbean movie: The filmmakers sent out a casting call last week seeking “beautiful female fit models. Must be 5ft7in-5ft8in, size 4 or 6, no bigger or smaller. Age 18-25. Must have a lean dancer body. Must have real breasts. Do not submit if you have implants.” And they warn that there’ll be a “show and tell” day. To make sure LA talent scouts don’t get caught in a “booby trap,” potential lassies will have to undergo a Hollywood-style jiggle-your-jugs test and jog for judges. Nolte is outraged on behalf of surgically-enhanced women everywhere: This isn’t some sleazy porn peddler in the valley doing this, this is…Disney. DISNEY is going to subject and exploit young women desperate to be stars to the indignity of a booby ”show and tell.” DISNEY is going to have them jog in place for producers and casting agents in order to keep score of the bounciness of their breasts. Not only is this a case of discrimination against women whose only crime was undergoing a dangerous surgical procedure in order to enhance their appeal to sexists like Nolte, it involves a particularly dehumanizing "booby 'show and tell'" in which woman will be asked to "jog in place for producers and casting agents in order to keep score of the bounciness of their breasts." How does he know this? It says so right in the actual, unexpurgated casting call: Must be 5'7-5'8, Size four or six - no bigger or smaller. Age 18 to 25. Must have a lean dancer body. Must have real breasts. Do not submit if you have implants. This is a show and tell of costumes with the director and the producers. Plan on an entire day of trying on clothes and being photographed. Sticklers might insist that the prepositional phrase "of costumes" modifies "show and tell," and that there's nothing in the casting call about actresses being asked to "jog in place" so producers and casting can "keep score of the bounciness of their breasts." Since it's not in the casting call, where did this idea of a "booby 'show and tell'" in which a parade of topless women jiggle only what the good Lord gave them come from? Where else? The imagination of John Nolte. The man can't even defend hypothetical women without undressing them in his mind. This...
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Glenn Beck is punk rock. (One last political post before I start pulling from the backlog of comics-related material I've written this week.) I have a confession: I have never watched or listened to Glenn Beck for any sustained period of time. I’d read transcriptions of his rambling monologues and seen parodies of his lunatic shtick, but until today, I’d avoided prolonged exposure to the Glenn Beck Experience. Would that I could still say the same. As a public service to anyone else out there who might be tempted to try and understand his appeal, I offer the following transcript of the horrors I witnessed condensed down to their rhetorical appeals: Good evening, America, I am you. Do you know what you hate? Let me tell you: You hate it when people tell you what to think. Do you want to be told what to think? Let me tell you: You don’t. You hate it when people tell you what to think. You’re an independent thinker, and what do all independent thinkers hate? Let me tell you: You hate to be told what to think, because you're an independent thinker. How should you feel about being told what to think? Let me tell you: You should feel insulted by these people who are telling you what to think. What does being talked down to by Washington elites make you feel like? Let me tell you: Being talked down to by Washington elites makes you feel like a child. How should you feel when Washington elites treat you like a child? Let me tell you: You should be outraged that Washington elites are trying to tell you how to live your life. How should you live your life? Let me tell you: You should live your life with freedom, because you're an independent thinker. What should you do when condescending Washington elites treat you and other independents just like you like children? Let me tell you: You should buy my book, because you're an independent thinker, and my book tells independent thinkers what they think. To be honest, I expected something more. I assumed Jon Stewart’s parody of Beck was a parody, but I was wrong—the Glenn Beck shows demonstrates that a significant number of American adults have the intellectual maturity of a punk apologist insisting that until you listen their favorite band, you’ll never learn to think for yourself. I honestly expected Beck to possess more rhetorical savvy than a teenage version of myself, but if you replace “America” with “the Replacements,” the resemblance is uncanny. (Before you say anything: I understand that I’m so late to the party that I shouldn’t even bother posting this, but I’ll risk inevitable redundancy in order to register the magnitude of my shock.)

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