Kick Ass sorta saved my life the other night.

Not literally, mind you, but because I'm me, I had problems getting through the British border.  I'd like to blame the boorish American behind me—he loudly informed everyone in earshot of his annoyance with the fact that there was one line for travelers with British or EU passports, another for everyone else, but none specifically for Americans—but the manner in which the border people roped him in and out of aisles until he'd "advanced" to the end of the line suggests that they were too busy harassing him to hold me accountable for his behavior.  Still, I should've known that a man of Irish descent wouldn't be able to sneak into Britain so easily.  To wit:

BORDER GUARD: Whair ya ere?

SEK: Academic conference.

BORDER GUARD: Whir arr ya stain?

SEK: London then Manchester.

BORDER GUARD: Wheer in Lunun?

SEK: With this guy.

BORDER GUARD: Wishes?

SEK: I don't know, but I have his number.

BORDER GUARD: An in 'anchester?

SEK: The conference hotel.

BORDER GUARD: Wish wood be?

SEK: I don't know, but I can pull it up on my laptop—

BORDER GUARD: Pool itup ten.

(SEK tries in vain to access his email.)

SEK: It's not connecting to any network.

BORDER GUARD: Whatis confrence bout?

SEK: Graphic novels—

BORDER GUARD: Jew mean like Kick Ass?

SEK: Just like—

(BORDER GUARD spends ten minutes talking about Kick Ass, stopping only long enough to ask an occasional question that proves that I've read it.)

BORDER GUARD: Good sir, ya go true now, go true.

Which, God damn it, means I owe Mark Millar a favor, damn it.

Comments

[Dr. Virago]

Too funny! I once got bumped up to first class because I was reading Steven King's The Stand.

Btw, is that a Northern Irish accent you're trying to represent? Or a Caribbean one??? Or possibly a...Pirate? I'm pretty sure you've used just about every variety of English in the former Empire in this post! :)

[SEK]

I actually have no idea. The reason I switched from "whair" to "whir" to "wheer" in those first responses was because I couldn't pinpoint his accent, and his initial vowel sounds did seem abnormally dependent on the ones he was about to pronounce. It was a bit of an experience, honestly. I mean, I know phonemes and morphemes both from being a linguistics undergrad and damn near a decade of speech therapy, but what's amazed me about England is the density of different accents. It's like eight states squeezed into a city the size of Trenton, and it's impossible to tell who's from where.

[James T]

Hey, if he hadn't read/seen "Kick Ass", he might've just grilled you on, say, Iron Man. Let's not thank Millar before time!

[Josh]

Me to my students earlier today, after having told a story about my UPS delivery man: "Pardon my generic ethnic accent--in my defense, my UPS agent did in fact immigrate from Genericland."

[Bob Reed]

Notwithstanding border hi-jinks and embarrassing countrymen, I hope that you're enjoying your trip otherwise Scott.

Do yourself a favor and wander into a East-end workingmans pub while you're there and have a few. You might enjoy some fellowship with the locals, and get an up close and personal view of how the locals really live.

Sure beats organized tours with other, possibly clueless and helpless, Americans that invariably funnel you through tourist traps at some point.

You should have a pretty easy time, being in a country where they speak english, albeit with a strong dialect. And don't be put off if they want to lecture you about US politics and foreign policy. I've traveled much of the western world as a tourist, (and the middle east with Uncle Sam tours!), and folks will always want to get their two cents in. So don't be surprised at what you may be asked.

All the best

[SeanH]

Off-topic: did you already know about this?

[Phill]

Was the borderguard Dick Van Dyke?

[NickS]

I laughed and thought of you and these posts when I saw John Rogers' capsule review of the Kick Ass movie this morning.

[alkau]

Remember the last time you went to Europe? Did you get your passport stamped during any of this interaction??? I would hate to see on "World News Tonight" that some guy who might be Jewish or atleast not American tries to get on a plane heading for the US. That was such a fun time last time you I am sure really want to repeat it. Just be safe and come home asap.

[W. Kiernan]

Hail and wel met, good sir SEK!

The second time I read the guard's last line I interpreted it as:

"Good, sir. You (may) go through (the gate) now, go through."

But the first time it was all archaic and ceremonial and flowery:

"Good Sir! You go true now, go true."

(as opposed to going false.)

God be wi' ye, good sir!