Scott enters his room in the Physical Sciences Classroom Building. Standing behind his SmartPodium is an unfamiliar person who looks startled by Scott's arrival.
SCOTT: Are you supposed to be in here?
PERSON WHO ISN'T SUPPOSED TO BE HERE: (shrugs)
SCOTT: Did you just finish teaching?
PERSON WHO DIDN'T JUST FINISH TEACHING: (shrugs)
SCOTT: Can I help you with something?
PERSON WHO DOESN'T WANT ME TO HELP HIM WITH SOMETHING: (shrugs)
SCOTT: Do you understand English?
PERSON WHO CLEARLY UNDERSTANDS ENGLISH BUT IS ABOUT TO DART OUT THE DOOR: (darts out the door)
Scott approaches the podium to find dozens of windows open, each and every one of which proves that Rule 34 is correct: there is porn of it. All of it.
Then Scott remembers that you have to log into SmartPodiums with your UCINet ID, and that your UCINet ID is also the first half of your UCI email address. Scott mouses over the toolbar to obtain the stranger's UCINet ID and proceeds to write him an email:
Dear Person Watching Porn on the SmartPodium,
Please don't watch porn on the SmartPodium. People have to teach there, you know?
Five minutes later, Scott receives a reply:
I don't know what you're talking about! Stop starting shit! I've never even been in the Physical Sciences Classroom Building before!
Scott was really tempted to inform the stranger that nobody said he had, but as subsequent denials would only diminish the beauty of the stranger's inadvertent confession, he refrained.
Dude, you're -- I can't believe this -- you're in the Physical Sciences Classroom Building?
All right, so what was it porn of? And what was his (yes, I'll stereotype to the extent of assuming that public porn watchers are men, or would have even if I hadn't checked your post to see that you actually do refer to him as "him" once) field of study? I want to see if any stereotypes of the "academic field X likes porn Y" type are confirmed.
Posted by: Rich Puchalsky | Monday, 10 May 2010 at 07:47 AM
Wow.
That's an elegant piece of art, right there.
And I don't want to know what it was porn of. I have not wanted to know what it was porn of ever since I discovered that children's cartoons, past and present, were popular subjects among the porn artist set.
Posted by: Falconer | Monday, 10 May 2010 at 09:36 AM
Could've been worse...he could've been having actual sex on your podium.
Posted by: KWK | Monday, 10 May 2010 at 11:03 AM
You realize that you now have a prima facie case for 'hostile work environment' and the university lawyers will be calling you again.... just to make sure you're happy, you understand?
(I read this out loud to my spouse and visiting in-laws when it appeared in my RSS reader over the weekend, and they thought it was hilarious.)
Posted by: Ahistoricality | Monday, 10 May 2010 at 12:03 PM
Dude, you're -- I can't believe this -- you're in the Physical Sciences Classroom Building?
I'm making a tour of all the departmental buildings, it seems. I was in the Computer Science building last quarter, the Engineering the quarter before.
All right, so what was it porn of?
I didn't stop to check. Unmentioned in this piece is that a student accompanied me into the classroom, so I was more interested in closing it all before it was reflected in my glasses or something.
You realize that you now have a prima facie case for 'hostile work environment' and the university lawyers will be calling you again...
This time, though, I'll be prepared! (Actually, I don't think they'll call this time, as this post isn't likely to garner nearly the attention the other one did. At least, I hope not. This is just one of those little slice-of-university-life pieces, after all.)
Posted by: SEK | Monday, 10 May 2010 at 12:30 PM
I have to admit I got halfway down the story and was fully expecting the porn viewer to have been using your UCINet ID via some bizarre set of circumstances.
Given the shit that happens to and around you I don't think this was an unreasonable expectation.
Posted by: Kav | Monday, 10 May 2010 at 02:49 PM
I'm sorry that I can't stop laughting that this has happened again. I also thought you were going to say this person used your ID because, yes, things like that do happen to you. So, when you decide to write a book on your years at UCI please don't forget about sex smacking you in the face several times in various rooms on campus.
Posted by: alkau | Monday, 10 May 2010 at 03:03 PM
I, too, expected it to be your ID. You managed to make it entertaining via another avenue nonetheless. Bravo.
Also, @alkau, Several times? I was only aware of the first.
Posted by: asdfsdf | Monday, 10 May 2010 at 05:53 PM
Was it a student or a member of staff?
Posted by: Naadir Jeewa | Monday, 10 May 2010 at 06:46 PM
Why am I picturing a smart lectern instead of a smart podium?
Posted by: MikeJ | Monday, 10 May 2010 at 10:03 PM
MikeJ, I expect SmartPodium is a brand name for a smart lectern.
Posted by: Josh | Tuesday, 11 May 2010 at 01:51 AM
Kav,
I only barely escaped cruel, cruel circumstance ... this time.
ASDFDF,
Ignore my mother, she knows not of what she speaks. (Or is revealing things that are off the record, which she shouldn't be doing.)
Naadir,
I'm actually not sure. I wouldn't suppose students could log on to our podiums, but I can't be sure they're unable to, as I've never had reason to have them try. I'll rectify that in about three hours.
Mike,
Josh is correct: it should be call a "lectern," but it's been branded a "SmartPodium," so there's naught I can do.
Posted by: SEK | Tuesday, 11 May 2010 at 08:09 AM
SEK,
Depending on the set-up, I'd guess that they are able to. Not that I ever did anything like that at my school. Not like going into the buildings in the middle of the night, moving couches from the entryway into a classroom, and watching movies on the projector system instead of in a crappy, cramped dorm room with a tiny television is something that I've ever done.
Posted by: P.T. Smith | Tuesday, 11 May 2010 at 10:37 AM
This can't be a true story. People only do that, "but I was never in the study with the candlestick!" shtick in the movies. Really, how cliche...
Posted by: Brian | Tuesday, 11 May 2010 at 11:01 AM
Brian,
In high school I drove over my friend's mailbox. We got it upright, and never said a word to his parents. A year or so later, they get a new one. His dad told us he was headed out to put it in, and if anyone called for him, to call him inside. Then this happened:
Friend's Dad: I just hope Pat doesn't knock over this one too.
Me (Shocked, to friend): What? You told him!
Friend: No!
Friend's Dad: He hadn't, but you just did. (Evil, joyous laugh, and exit)
Posted by: P.T. Smith | Tuesday, 11 May 2010 at 01:50 PM