What the words you read in the paper really mean.

When someone reports this:

[O]fficials are warning residents nearby to be ready in case they were ordered to evacuate, the Riverside County Fire Department said.

What they actually mean is that someone from your apartment complex knocks on your door and informs you that the fire department might have to evacuate you in less than five minutes, so anything you don't want burned alive (in the case of the cats) or to ashes (in the case of wedding photographs) should be right by the front door ready to run to the car. 

When someone reports this:

"The aircraft and the helicopters have been doing a pretty good job about keeping it from coming too close to these homes," said homeowner Warren Gillette.

What they actually mean is that it'll sound like you're in the opening scene of a Vietnam film about to turn gruesome.  I'm not sure what you think of when it sounds like air cav has arrived, but rest assured, the relentless buzzing of tankers and copters can unravel your core.  I'd go to sleep, but I still need to figure out what my valuables are and find another cat carrier.  I'm sure this will amount to nothing, but when it sounds like you're in a war zone, even things that amount to nothing rattle you insomniac.

Comments

[Jonathan Dresner]

Why don't news reports about fires ever include maps?

I remember packing that suitcase for the Oakland Hills fire (when was that? Oh, yes, '91), spending a few days with a map, the TV and binoculars....

[Mark Wise]

Google "go bag" and then make one.

[SEK]

It's worse the more time you have, Mark. Believe you me, it's worse. I now have to unpack that fucking car.