In which intrepid journalist SEK experiences some “Growing Pains”

So I almost landed an interview with Kirk Cameron about why he thought his new film was the lowest rated movie on IMDB, but I heard back from his people and apparently he found something I wrote yesterday “terribly disappointing” and called it off — which I found weird given that I didn’t work yesterday.*

But in case you’re wondering what it’s like to be vetted by Kirk Cameron’s people, it goes something like this:

SEK is being interviewed by Kirk Cameron’s Handler (KCH) for a potential article.

KCH: Kirk wants to know if you have a personal relationship with Jesus Christ, our Lord and Savior, Christ the Savior.

SEK: I attended CCD for a few years and studied Latin in college. I translated a lot of the Church Fathers — Augustine, Aquinas, and the like.

KCH: That’s really interesting, really. So you know about sin?

SEK: I know more than anyone cares to about the danger stealing pears from your neighbor can pose for your soul.

KCH: So you were raised Catholic? 

SEK: Catholic and Jewish.

KCH: You know Hebrew? 

SEK: Passably.

KCH: Kirk’s a big fan of Hebrew, big fan. 

SEK: It’s the only dead language to be revived.

KCH: I didn’t know that, did not know. That’s really interesting. Are you gay?

SEK: I am not.

KCH: Good, good, just need to dot those “t”s. Have you ever been gay?

SEK: I have not, but I’m not sure how that’s relevant to my ability to discuss film. Did you read the links I sent?

KCH: I did, and they were great, great. Loved them, loved. But some of the language was not quite Christ-like. 

SEK: I can adapt to my audience — we’ve been talking for twenty minutes and I haven’t cussed once.

KCH: That’s true, true. Good. What are your feelings about “gotcha” interviews?

SEK: They get you one good moment, but burn your reputation for being fair-minded to people you disagree with. 

KCH: So you don’t like them? Hate them?

SEK: I can’t do my job if people don’t trust me to treat them fairly.

KCH: That sounds fair, really fair. How do you think this is going? 

SEK: Pretty good. 

KCH: I think so too. I think we can make this work. I like you.

SEK: Thanks. I like to be likable.

KCH: Which is why I’m worried about the state of your soul, but we can talk about that later. 

SEK: Do I need to be saved to do the interview? 

KCH: Kirk would definitely be more comfortable, definitely. 

SEK: ?

KCH: Definitely.

SEK: ?

KCH: Let me pass this on to Kirk, and I’ll let you know.

*I did however write this on Facebook and I suppose he could’ve found that offensive.